Thursday, August 25, 2005
Droopy eyes
I've been working for only a year and a half and I think I've reached my burn out point.
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Sunday, August 21, 2005
It's all so surreal. This time around, it all seems so final. I thought I wouldn't mind much but I'm devastated. I feel like somebody took a shotgun and fired point blank. I feel like someone threw a huge blanket over me and I can't get it off, leaving me in the darkness. Every single thing I see triggers memories.I went to your house to gauge where we are, and what I saw brought an incredible sadness. You couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me for more than an hour. Can't even take the same trycicle with me. That's how bad it is. All this has put everything in a different perspective. All of a sudden, all of my shortcomings flash before my eyes and as I feared, they are coming back to haunt me. I promised I wouldn't do anything that would drive you away, leading me to regret what I did and yet, it happened. I cannot even begin to deal with this. That's how painful it is. Because I saw today that there is a chance that it won't work out. You have been there to witness every step I took the past three years - how can I possibly move on? Three years is not a long time, but to me, that period in my life is very special.
We thought we did everything right. How could it have gotten this way? I'm so so very sorry. For my selfishness and for being inconsiderate. For letting you do all the hard work. I'm painfully sorry.
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Lessons of love
To You:
If the last breakup, lasting a month, didn’t do much to make me come to my senses, the one lasting nine days and counting has got me thinking about the little, yet important things that I’ve let slip. Admittedly, I’ve been hard-headed, selfish, unwilling to compromise. And now that I’ve been put in this situation, I realize how unfair it’s been for me to let this relationship turn into a one-man band – with you doing all the work. I have managed to squeeze out all the patience and compassion out of one of the most understanding people in this world. That takes a lot of doing and I’m appalled at what I’m capable of. You say you have your faults, but please don’t beat yourself up for the relationship that I have allowed to crumble. You know in your heart you did your best. I know in mine, that I could have done more. Someday, I hope I’ll still be given the chance to redeem myself.
As I titter on a limb, I understand how they felt. How it’s like to lose a great love and a great person, knowing that you (I) could’ve done something to save it.
So once again, old sentiments resurge and I feel the world closing in around me, suffocating me as every bit of air is sucked out of me. Back are the sleepless nights when drifting into dreamland past
It may have taken me three long years to move on from my first love, but if we don’t survive the greatest trial of all – this trial, my heart will lay in pieces on the floor for years to come, until someone else sweeps it away and scatters it into the wind, never to become whole again.
I understand why we have to do this, even if it breaks me. It’s put into perspective how sacrifice and maturity play a big part in any relationship. How love and honesty cannot do it all. So even if it tears me apart, missing your tinkling guffaw, your cow-like smile, the scent that is solely owned by you and the yelp that escapes your lips when my fingers clasp viciously around your flabby arms and round cheeks, I concede to being apart.
Love,
Me
Last night, my college kabarkadas and I finally got together after not seeing each other since graduation. We spent the whole night catching up on each others’ lives, laughing our hearts out (with as much wa-poise as we could manage) and endlessly posed for Rae’s camera phone. Yes, we were cam-whores for the night.
We talked about anything and everything, including, yes, the L-word.
Love.
So yesterday night, it was quite a pleasant surprise to be discussing love for the first time with my friends. I learned quite a few things. Things I thought I’d hear strictly on television.
Me: (in awe) Ano sinabe mo? (turns to Rae) Ano sinabe niya?
Ktin: Ang sarap pala mag mahal. Kung alam ko lang na ganito ka sarap, inuumpisahan ko na mas maaga pa.
It might be one of those things where you had to be there, but it didn’t sound quite so cheesy when it was said the way Ktin did. Not overtly dramatic, but matter-of-factly.
I learned a few things that night. The person who went through hurricanes of relationships (more bad ones than good) learned a thing or two from her former NBSB friends.
I can’t believe I’m going through this again. Looking into the face I’ve shared my life with for three years and finding myself horrified to discover that there’s a side that I don’t know. That hurts the most. I hate most the part in a breakup when your former better half suddenly treats you coldly. As if all that time and all those experiences shared was just erased from memory. I know that this is just an attempt for you to try and get past a difficult situation, and is only a facade - a façade that is working extremely so well, i'm having a difficult time convincing myself otherwise, but it still hurts.
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Thursday, August 18, 2005
Five minutes of porn star fame
A good number of people are probably carrying around poop in their bags today. See, it's time for our yearly physical exam. Good thing I bumped into A. on my way in this morning (she had her stash in a paper bag) and she offered to wait for me so that we could go through the exams together. Everything went smoothly until we had to have our x-rays taken. We were instructed to proceed to the deck parking and when we got there, we almost missed the x-ray truck -- it was so small!Once inside, I was greeted by two attendants. One male, one female. I thought the female one would attend to me, but instead the guy instructed me to proceed to the x-ray "room". Straight off, I noticed how grimy his hands were and I immediately shuddered. "It's okay," I thought. "The girl will be the one to assist me."
So it was to my surprise when the grimy guy followed me into the room.
GG: Paki tanggal ang damit at bra.
Me: (gives him a disdainful look) O. Tapos?
GG: Magsusuot ka ng gown.
Me: Asan?!?
But he had already stepped out of the room. Then I noticed the small pile of gowns (very small. as in 3 pieces) on the chair. Good thing I was the first one to have my x-ray taken. I could just imagine how I'd feel if I were one of the ones scheduled in the afternoon and the gowns would've been worn by a dozen, sweaty people (hey, it was really hot outside). After checking for any holes in the room, I slipped out of my clothes and into the gown, not bothering to tie the back part properly since I was still hoping the girl would attend to me.
GG: Tapos ka na ba?!
Me: Teka lang ha.
Boy, did I feel like someone who worked at a night club. Kulang na lang sabihin niya, "Tapos ka na ba? Andito na customer mo!"
When I was finally ready, GG goes inside, fixes the x-ray thingy and guides me (using his grimy hands) towards the contraption. He places his warm, icky sticky hands on my arm, motioning for me to put them behind my back. Now, I really felt like someone from a porn movie with a dominatrix theme. The light in the room was orange pa.
Shudder.
I was telling A. how I felt when she goes, "Dati nga sa dati kong office, sabi nung x-ray guy sakin, tanggalin mo bra at damit mo, tas suotin mo yung gown. Or pwede rin kahit wag mo na suotin yung gown."
Jerk.
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005
It's not funny anymore
Ayoko na mabuhay. Unti-unti ko binabaon ang aking karangalan sa lupa!Editor: Hey you look really nice today. I like how the stripes go with the pink.
Me: Thank you. My crush looked at me.
(Really uncomfortable silence. I couldn't blame her. What I said was really ditzy)
Me: Haha. Just kidding. My crush looked at me cause of what I'm wearing.
(Frig. Couldn't have I just stopped?!? There's no redeeming myself on this one!)
I LITERALLY want to stuff my head in soil, pack it hard and suffocate myself.
I am losing respect for myself. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!!!!
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Yawn!
I'm amazed at my luck, sometimes. After weeks and weeks of promising to get up early and be at work by 8 or 9 am (and failing miserably), I finally suceed today. But, that's because my brother, who's been experiencing frequent fevers, woke me up to ask if he should stay in today. So, after checking his temperature and wrapping him up like a sausage because he was shivering from chills, I dragged my sleepy ass out of bed for the day and made him some breakfast. I know the instant noodles would do nothing for his health, but I just needed something to fill his barren tummy for a couple of hours until the cook gets her own healthy meal going. I'm sorry, but I cannot, even with my arm twisted behind my back and a gun poking my neck, whip up a decent meal at 4:30 in the morning. So, I take the instant noodles reserved for my sister, think twice (she is going to have one pack of noodles less) but decide that today, my brother comes first. Even if I myself feel like noodles, I go for the kind my sister doesn'tlike just so to avoid getting from her supply. Thought I had gotten the spicy kind and left it on the kitchen counter while I cooked my brother's breakfast. By this time, the aroma of the noodles was really making me hungry so after rousing my brother, I happily got started on my own. Realizing that the noodles I got was pancit canton (by this time, the smell of the yummy noodles was really making my mouth water and I was craving for some hot soup because it can get pretty cold at 4:30 in the morning), I went back down, silently apologizing to my sister for cutting her supply in half and cooked (finally) my breakfast. While I was finally pouring the soup into a bowl, I prepped myself for some good-for-the-tummy, msg-filled-noodles and soup when I noticed a little black thing floating in the bowl. Thinking it was undissolved noodle powder, I tried to mix the soup some more when I noticed a pair of antennaes attached to the clump. Taking a discreet closer look (didn't want to freak out my brother, he was already going through hell, poor thing) my fears were confirmed. I had a baby cockroach in my pack of noodles. Sure as hell wasn't in the pot or the then empty bowl. So, all my hopes of eating breakfast were dashed (minsan na nga lang ako nag aalmusal eh! ganyan pa talaga ang mangyayari). Therefore, I will appease my shattered spirit with a big breakfast meal at mcdo later.
It's funny how a single song can bring back torrents of memories from the past. Last night, I was rocking myself to sleep with "I'm Still In Love With You" by New Edition when I was hit by a wave of sadness. Brandon still won't talk to me.
Do you know what it feels like to have been wishing for one thing for so long and so hard that you don't even know if that's still what you want or if you're just pining for it out of habit? Or if it's ever going to happen? Or what it will be like for you the first few moments that you realize that it will finally happen. I wonder if I'll ever see Cerritos again. See my old friends again. That dream seems so far away, I can't stand it. Every time someone brings up possibilites of working and living there, I get so worked up with excitement that I have to cut myself short for fear of exciting myself right into an anxiety attack. Or a heart attack.
Ever had memories so vivid and clear you remember every single detail and at the same time, feel that those same memories are so blurred and far away because they've been imbedded in your mind for so long? (Too long)
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Topsy-turvy day
It's been awhile since I've unleashed the demon in me. Just when Ro was saying that I need to change my blog title from "Manic City" to something more cheery to suit my disposition, I go ballistic. (Anyone got any good titles in mind? Post a comment.)This is what happened. Ro and I were standing in one helluva long line (seeing as it's pay day) at Equitable PCI ATM Teller in Robinsons Galleria basement level. We're so used to people cutting in line that we should have been unfazed, but, we're girls who speak our mind so we couldn't really avoid making a scene either. This friggin pokpok of a girl ran past us in line to the entrance of Equitable and in a loudmouth kind of way, starting flirting (complete with pushes and slaps on the arm) with some jologs looking guys. She yelled to her friend to save her a space in line, which really didn't make sense since neither she nor her friend was in line in the first place. We were already anticipating that this girl was going to cut in line and she, after much ado, finally did. She was edging her way in subtly while chatting in an obnoxious voice with her oogly friends. I was already taking deep breaths as I could feel my chest tightening and my temper rising. I told myself I'd wait for Ro to blow up and I'd follow suit. Umpisahan niya lang, tatapusin ko. Haha, parang straight out of an action movie! So, Ro reaches around me, asks the guy in front of me if the jologs girl was really in line and that's when it all started. Next thing I knew, we were engaged in a screaming fit with the jologs girl and her jologs friend who butted in when it was none of her business and as Ro would say (and to my relief), I switched into my Cali-girl slang. Whew. I thought I'd lost it awhile there. Everytime I'd talk to DJs, I could feel how fobbish my diction sounded against theirs. I have been here more than seven years after all, and naturally, you lose the slang as the Filipino accent kinda sticks to yaaa!
Anyhoo, there I was, cussin' my mouth off while Ro was being the calm one for once. ;) Both girls couldn't do anything but throw back exactly what I was saying and would repeatedly respond, "Really, really?" in solid Japayuki slang. In my anger, I didn't notice that her friend tried to spit on me (but it ended up on Alona, instead). Man! I was ready to punch somebody out, which is something I've really wanted to experience, juvenile as it may seem. Just so that I'd know that I'm capable of knocking someone out should I be put in a situation wherein I had no choice but to use brute force. Things happened so fast I cannot even decently recount what happened. I can't remember much of what was being said except for me yelling obscenities.
The girl actually she said we were inggit. Because we weren't able to prance around flirting with jologs like she did. While the rest of us waited in line like good citizens. The worst part was, amongst those 20-something people in line, Ro and I were the only ones who spoke up. Everyone else just took it in. Which is what's wrong with this country. Dang! I mean, silence does no good. People need to be put in the right place. I'm willing to bet my VNC shoes that that girl will think twice before cutting in line again.
On the upside, I met the hunkiest man on earth today. Won't say who. Bumped into him in the office (more like stalked him and waited for him to come out of the bathroom) and introduced myself (we've been corresponding through text for PR purposes but never met each other). I held out my hand and he took it, then slathered on the icing on the cake when he bussed my cheek. Mmm...mmm.mmm! He's half black too. My kinda man.
Last night, I dreamt about this good looking guy whose face I couldn't remember when I woke up. But the dream left me longing for something (the guy maybe). In my dream, he wasn't my boyfriend, but he was obviously someone special. I kept teasing him that he looks gwapo and he'd smile serenely at me. He made me feel so secure simply by being there. If there's a REAL guy out there who's meant to make me feel that way, Lord, please. Bring him to me.
Can't wait to hit the sack. Maybe I'll dream about Mr. Right again. Pathetic, I know, but hey...a girl can dream right?
Missing Bora
From Stevie:
Subject:
Happy Birthday!
Message:
Hey Kristine!!! Happy Happy Birthday! Im dancing right now just for you. hehehe
I promised myself I'd go to sleep early so that I could clock in at work early tomorrow. I broke my promise and I'm glad I did. Checked my friendster account and found this message in my mailbox. Stevie's the one person that truly reminds me of the beauty and serenity of Boracay. He is the kindest host and the most amazing tour guide. I can't wait to go back this October. I will be absolutely heartbroken if plans fall through once again. Stevie's one guy that won't dance even if you try and move his body for him. Believe me, I tried. I lifted his arms to the music, and swayed his upper body to the tunes, all to no avail. That's why we promised that when we see each otherin Bora again, we'll do an ex-deal of sorts. He'll dance if I drink 15 shots of... I don't know what. Basta 15 shots daw. Good luck sa akin. San na ako pupulutin nun? But it should be fun. I really can't wait to get to Boracay. It's my ideal paradise. But it won't be any fun without Stevie there. So, Stevie...be there ha? We probably won't be staying at BTR this year, which is really disappointing for me -- I loved the fact that we had to walk so far to get to civilization. I loved where it's situated. But, it seems that it's too far for my officemates and that's 2 against 1. So somewhere else it is. Hmmm...maybe I can camp out in front of BTR if topakin ako. I can practically feel the sun on my skin. Bora, bora, here we come. But, first, gotta see to the 69 Bachelors and 10 Centerfolds. Yummy!
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005
I cannot cannot cannot stop thinking about that kind gesture that the editor showed towards me. It was so thoughtful of her. I was, after all, just doing my job. I shouldn't have to be thanked for it at all, but the fact that she decided to express her appreciation was something else for me.Most people might not get why I'm making such a fuss, but this editor is one of the truest, most honest people I know in my workplace and what she did means so much to me. I cannot even put it into words. Maybe it's because she recently became one of the people I look up to at work. Which is also why I still can't stop cringing when I blurted out that little side comment. She's frank, she's honest and she's not a hypocrite. She puts everything into her work and has so much passion for it that it shows in each and every issue. She gives due credit to her team and no task is too "menial" for her. Amazing, really. Just when I'm about to drown in negative thoughts about the world and the not-so-pretty kinds of people in it, someone like her comes along and reminds me that there is still hope.
A happy ending to a gloomy day. Well, I shouldn't be unfair. I booked two guestings for our Cosmo Sept issue today so, really, I should be ecstatic. And I am. But I'm going through my yearly (sometimes bi-yearly) quarter-life crisis so nothing looks as peachy as it should.
I know she won't be reading this, but thank you thank you thank you, dear editor for making my day.
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Bloop bloop blooper!
Cringeworthy day! Went on a TV tour to deliver magazines and was surprised when one of F's researchers introduced me to their new executive producer. Man did I flub that one! I looked like an inexperienced high-schooler. Bawi next time, bawi. Just as I was starting to make a good impression on the former EP, she went and left. But, congratulations to her as she is moving on to greener pastures.One of my favorite editors handed me a token of thanks today. She just thrust it towards me silently and I wasn't sure if it was for me or if she was just showing it to me (pero duh, bakit naman sha bigla lang may ipapakita sa akin na product diba? )
Me: (hesitant) Thank you! (?)
Her: I wanted to give this to you before pa for helping us promote the magazine.
Me: (Left speechless for a moment) Oh no no no no no! I love (name of magazine here). I didn't use to but I do now. (Cringe! What did I just say?! Wasn't a simple, "No, it's my job, I love (name of magazine here)" enough?!? What the frig was wrong with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
In an attempt to salvage the moment, I immediately tried to steer the conversation into why I approached her in the first place.
Her: (Face scrunches up for a moment) Wait, so does that mean we were bad before but we're better now? Or you just grew up?
Me: Oh no no no. Well, yes I did mature a bit, and I just never handled that magazine before so I never pored....(stumbles over words) I didn't use to go through it in detail like I do now. (Quickly move on to another subject).
Whew! I friggin' ruined the moment!!!!! I don't want her to think that I thought that her magazine sucked! Because it sure as hell doesn't. Quite the opposite. I just honestly never looked at it in detail before. Now, I read it page by page and it is the most informational, inspirational magazine ever!
Kris, you gotta watch what you say!
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Monday, August 08, 2005
Happy Birthday to me!!!
It's been a nice, peaceful day. Sort of. Some controversy about the Cosmo Bachelor Bash sprung up but it's been taken care of. Not a big surprise as we expect some intriga to come out every year. Publicity for us, no matter how negative the issue is. As they say...there's no such thing as bad publicity.Got wonderful wonderful presents. An awesome, colorful, be-sequined bag from our two chikitings Mica and M and a wonderful wonderful pair of black-based happy feet from best friend Ro. Yesterday, Cara presented to me the gorgeous earrings I've been eyeing at Chocolate. I kept going back to try them on to the point that the saleslady was giving me weirded out looks already. I kept going back kasi to try on the same pair and nothing else. That's two more things I can strike off my list.
I sold my 7250i in hopes of getting the much coveted (or atleast my much coveted 7200 clamshell phone) so I can't take snapshots of my newly acquired accesories and post them here. When I have my new phone, I will.
I liked my birthday this year. It was just like every other day except, of course, I now have a few new belongings. Usually, August 8 on every year means trouble for me. Everyone keeps asking me nga what I have planned for my birthday eh. But, I'm really not the type of person who does something special on her birthday. Wala lang. I've had so many bad birthdays that I've learned to enjoy the simplicity of having a non-eventful day.
I'm happy happy happy. Lazy, lazy, lazy too. I watched Coach Carter for the second time. I looove how they call each other "son". I find that really cute. I wish I could use the term too, but it'd be a bit weird calling my girl friends "son". I can't call them naman "daughters" diba? The guys were hella foine. My favorites are Timo Cruz (Rick Gonzalez), Damien Carter (Robert Ri'chard), Worm (ain't it obvious? I gots a thang for black guys) and this white guy Jason Lyle (Channing Tatum)
Jason Lyle (Channing Tatum). Mmm-mm booty-licious!
I miss living in Cerritos. We had our own green-eyed monster there. I can even remember his name. Donato Green. Ironic. Donato Green with the green eyes. Then of course, there's my ultimate crush who drove around in a red Mustang convertible. The blue-eyed monster Jeff Villwock.
Ano ba yan. This blog is starting to sound like it belongs to a high school girl.
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Sunday, August 07, 2005
What's in store?
I was quite surprised when I realized that I'm not dreading my birthday this year. But there have been some developments in the office that may make my day turn out the same as the past years: a big disappointment.0 Comments
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
If the banks had just taken my money
Nobody wants my money!!!!!I've been trying to open a new account but they keep asking for my driver's license, which I don't have yet. So, after going from bank to bank, I decided to put my money where someone will accept it.
The salon. I lopped off my hair to shoulder length, which is what I should've done months ago instead of trying to feed my craving for a new look by having it permed. It's not so short that I immediately long for the tresses that used to hang down to my bra strap. I've always loved long hair, but let's face it...long hair doesn't suit me. I look lethargic and starved because the style makes my face look longer than it already is. People now keep telling me that I look like a kid, which makes me happy since Ro, Lora and I were just sharing who looked ugly when they were younger and Ro and I both agreed I looked better when I was a child.
And as if that weren't enough, I had to hop over to Plains & Prints and bought myself not one, but two tops. Just as my savings account was starting to reach a considerable amount, I go on a spending spree. I can't help it. There are sooooo many things going on that I need something to make me happy. And happy, I am. Now, if only the nagging feeling that I spent to much would leave.
It's a vicious cycle, shopping is. So is sleeping late. Last night, I forgot the book Ro lent me at the office. Blessing in disguise as it was starting to be the cause of late nights (I can't put the book down!) and I was looking forward to hitting the sack early when I felt the urge to surf the net. Just check people's blogs. I ended up searching pinoyexchange for old posts and threads that I contributed to or started.
I discovered that bits and pieces of my not-so-pretty past are floating around in cyberspace. I was so messed up then. I'm glad things are much simpler now.
I just need to stay away from shops. An impossible feat considering I work inside a shopping mall.
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Tuesday, August 02, 2005
I was just saying that there are only two local celebrities I want to see in person to determine if they're as good looking in person as they are on TV. I forgot to mention Jericho Rosales. So that brings my list to a total of three: Angel Aquino, Heart Evangelista and Jericho Rosales.I already met Angel and I came really close to seeing Heart up-close once, but met her dog instead. Well today, I got to see Heart and Jericho. And they are just as gorgeous in real life as they are on screen.
I realize I'm starting to sound like a starstruck fanatic (believe me, I'm not really this way) but I can't help it.
Ang babaw ko today.
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