Monday, October 24, 2005
Happy thoughts
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Monday, October 10, 2005
Ramblings of a lost girl
Looks like this blog is once again aptly named. Manic City alive once again. I know I'm running out of time. More and more friends are getting sick and tired of my ranting and pretty soon, I know I'm going to be left to fend for myself. It's surprising how I crave for human company these days. I need someone to text me and talk to me on a regular basis where once, I couldn't even find the time to text you. Hmmm...something definitely weird going on there. I know God has a purpose and a reason for all of this. But I'm not sure how much longer I can deal. I'm a mess. A complete mess. My own thoughts are driving me crazy. One day, I condition myself to be happy again, with declarations of a wonderful future ahead. Thank goodness for R. My constant relationship counselor. I know she must be sick of hearing all this, but she plows on, making sure my quickly deteriorating sanity stays intact. I've never noticed before how many people care for me and I'm grateful that they've all made their presence felt now. You guys know who you are (Sounds like some homegirl -- "Ey ya'll wassup, shout outs to all my homies out there, ya'll know who ya'll are..."). Thank you. I'm far from being okay, but I'd be far much worse without you guys. You must be wondering, "Gee, could she be in an even more worse state than the one she's in now?".I'm tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of becoming best friends with inanimate objects (the bench in front of my house, the monoblock chair in the garage, the hump in my driveway, yosi, the benches in the Galleria yosi area, my cellphone - which isn't even mine, by the way. I'm tired of seesaw-ing from okay to not okay to I don't give a damn and then back to I'm friggin' wasted and running the whole vicious cycle.
I grasp at every little thing that might make me happy but happiness is always fleeting. Like today, for example, I'm having an okay day. Excited at the thought that there are several things to come. But, that sadness keeps tugging at me. I'm tired of looking like a maniac, laughing happily one moment then sulking the next. But, I have to keep moving. I have to let whatever I feel out. I know deep down inside, there's an empty space waiting to be filled. I can't wait until that space becomes a pocket, until eventually, it won't be there at all. In time, I know. All in due time. One freakin' day at a time.
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Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Down in the dumps
I have alot of unsettled issues. One of my biggest problems is being too attached. And not being able to forgive myself. I've done alot of things that I've regretted, handled alot of situations the wrong way, to name a few. I wonder how I'm going to be able to deal with these issues. Was going through my earlier entries and relived some of the horrible things I went through earlier this year. Everything is such a blur already.There is one thing I keep doing wrong. I keep doing things I eventually regret and it seems like I never learn from my mistakes. And I'm killing myself scolding myself for my shortcomings. There's one that's not too late to correct and I hope I do it in time, but with the state I'm in, I hope I'll be able to intercept it before it gets any worse -- I need to be a better sister to my sibling. I need to be there for them. One of the problems I'm having trouble dealing with is my brother. I know how lonely he is and how difficult life is for him and yet, I can't seem to be there to help him because I'm so darn buried in my own problems. I wasn't cut out to be a mother, but God served me the responsibilities of one. Don't get me wrong. I love my sibling and I'd do anything for them but I feel that they're being shortchanged because they're getting a half-baked person for a guardian.
I still have to learn alot of things and I don't know how to guide them when I, myself, am not whole yet. I love my sister and my brother to death. I wish I could be there for them like a real mother would.
Dreamt of my mom yesterday. I think she is seriously worried about me and is making paramdam. I wish she were here right now to make everything right. Aren't mothers amazing? They have the ability to make everything okay. Especially my mom, the superwoman.
The most important thing for me to learn now is acceptance. To accept the things that are being thrown my way. That's the only way to stay sane, I swear it is, but it's also a difficult process to perfect.
There's so much sadness in my heart, these days. I just want to feel truly and completely happy. Six years ago, when I was last put through hell, I told myself that the happiness I'm about to experience will make up for all the pain. That the happiness will make up for everything bad that happened. And I did. Three happy years it was for me (well, okay, not three WHOLE happy years, but happy, they were). So why does it have to be so depressing now?
I know, I know, because life is a cycle. But, pwede sana hindi sunod-sunod? Hindi pa nga ako nakaka-recover dun sa isa, eto, meron nanaman!
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Monday, October 03, 2005
Ever After by Bonnie BaileyHed Kandi: Beach House 0404Three years ago my journey began
Chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
Just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
Just knowing with conviction from the start
The moment your eyes made an introduction
I felt my second violent breath of life
Flawless to the point of being godly
Yet I fell hard for your imperfections
And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you
Nothing compares to the good times
Feels like we’re floating when the rest have to climb
You made me believe in love and not the perfect kind
A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine
Emotions volcanic eruptions
We both still care so we’re still alive
Tunnel vision, determination
I want you I want to make it right
And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you
You are my twisted sunshine
You are my twisted sunshine
And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you
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Saturday, October 01, 2005
Home again
A splendid time it was!
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Good by Home
The problem with me is that I'm the kind of person who gets attached to everything. And this means, I feel sad alot, too. Bora was the perfect therapy for me. The cool water, the fine, white sand and the warm sun kept my mind off everything. It was much quieter this year, and there were far less people on the island, but it was still bliss. We even fell into a daily routine -- it really did start to seem like we were living in Boracay.Monday, September 26, 2005
M and I arrived at the airport a wee bit too early but it was cool, we couldn't wait to get to the island anyway. The flight was quick and before we could catch some shut-eye, we had already landed. The boat ride was pleasant because the sun was high up in the sky. By 10AM, we were unpacked and sprawled on the sunny, white sand beaches of Boracay. The water was amazing and there were little tiny fish nibbling at our feet. The first thing I did after swimming was to lie in the sand just where the water breaks into land. I didn't get to do that last year so I spent half the time wistfully staring at other people's Bora photos. Had lunch at Sea Lovers, slept, strolled and had dinner at Gastof's. I love the sound of water lapping against the sand, the feel of the wind blowing my hair into a mess and the sand beneath my feet, all while eating. It must be wonderful to live on a beach, especially if that beach is Boracay. Then, we had drinks at Hey Jude! The night life was a bit disappointing since there were barely any people around. We met this curly haired, feeling gwapo, annoying bata who kept trying to make us guess his racial mix and his age.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Mica has proven that she is a true blue beach buff. She was the first one up every morning! By the time we could pry our sleepy eyes open, she'd be fully dressed (or in this case, barely dressed in a bikini) and raring to go while the rest of us struggled out of bed. I loved this day in particular. Though Monday was all sand, blue skies and clear waters, Tuesday was a different kind of experience. While we were in the water, it rained torrents. I floated in the middle of it all, drinking in the beauty of nature, trying to conjure words that would best describe the scene before my eyes. I willed myself to remember every bit of what was going on. I was completely awestruck. Because the days just seemed to run into each other, I can't remember if this was the day we tried skimboarding. M was the one who jumpstarted it and then I just got inggit so when no one was looking, I tentatively gave it a shot. It was really fun, even if I ended up bruised and sore afterwards. Went drinking at Hey Jude! But the night life proved to be the most disappointing that night. Turns out everyone was at Summer Place and Wave.
I'm a bit tamad to continue with the kwento so sorry, folks, guess I'll be leaving you guys hanging.
To make the story short, I was devastated when reality sank in and Friday rolled around. Good bye my love. Good by home. Till next year.
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