Friday, December 23, 2005
Hmm...
It's been quite a year. A year full of turbulence. It's the day before Christmas Eve and the next time I'll be setting foot in this office, it'll be a New Year, and hopefully, a better one. Was just flipping through my 2005 notebook, reminiscing (with alot of cringing) and getting ready to put it away, whilst my new handy dandy notebook sits on one corner of my desk, awaiting my abuse use.If you've clicked on my previous posts, you'd have seen that I struggled quite a bit this year. A death in the family, personal problems, difficulty adjusting to new responsibilites at work, a traumatic breakup. One after the other, right after one issue is resolved, another surfaces. Sometimes, two issues or more will arise to rock my world. The difficult breakup, the most recent (and hopefully the last) of all troubles really knocked alot of sense into me. Was chatting with M., taking in the strangely comforting chilly air, when I shared with her how I think I stopped enjoying life. The simple things in life that make life worthwhile amidst all the troubles: tea with a friend, watching a movie by myself, mini road trips with a cousin, out of town vacations with friends. These things, I haven't done in awhile. I've always been a homebody, but these past four months, I'm actually learning to enjoy other people's company. It's amazing how your world gets bigger when you become single again.To be continued...January 2006Christmas was surprisingly better than I expected. Met new cousins (okay, they're really not new. Just haven't met them before) and hung out with ones I've known all my life. The next day, I set out on a beach trip with Mama Jo and company. It's the first time I went on an out of trip with people I don't really know (Chi-Chi, Mama Jo and Pao were the only ones I really really knew) and it was quite refreshing. A new experience for me. I rode on a banana boat and went snorkelling for the first time. And, I learned to play poker!!! The one and only card game I know.. unless you count solitaire and monkey monkey. It was also the first time I went to bed not knowing who'd be sleeping beside me. I took a peek around dawn out of curiousity. For some reason, I find this interesting. Strange, I know, but that's how calculated I am. I don't do things without knowing exactly what's going to happen and the Batangas trip was full of surprises. I found out just how small the world is. Mons ended up staying a few resorts down (I figured she'd be staying on some other beach) and I bumped into an ex during lunch. Then, upon getting off the boat, I saw Cammille and company on the beach. Perfect timing as they were just checking out places to stay. I've changed so much in the past five months that sometimes, I surprise myself. I feel like I live in two different worlds. There are times when I slip back into the dark one and everything instantly becomes a blur, in my attempt to soften the roughness of things. Then there's my new world, full of hope and possible happiness. I slip in and out of both just as easily as anything so I sometimes start to feel manic-depressive and sleep becomes a sanctuary.I'm still hopeful that the New Year will bring new things and newfound hope and happiness. I'm slowly starting to heal (veeeery slowly, but at least I'm starting to na talaga). So.... here's to 2006!
tried on a size 9 @6:34 PM
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Ker-plunk
I can feel myself starting to fall off the wagon. Like the horse suddenly stopped dead in mid prance in a threat to push me off. Only, I was able to grab on to the side of the wagon just in time - my feet dangling dangerously close to the floor. Damn Friendster. Damn dream. Damn small world. I'd love to live in the U.S. again so that once you've lost touch with someone, the chances of bumping into that person (or anyone he or she is remotely related to) are very, very slim.
tried on a size 9 @7:16 PM
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Painting the town red..with anger?
I was on my way out the door yesterday morning when the phone rang. I usually don't answer the landline since the calls are never for me anyway, but since I was right there, I just picked it up and turned out that this one was for me. My Tita Elsa (one of Mom's many best friends) was in town and wanted to meet up for dinner.It was nice to be able to talk about Mom again. Tita had with her, her Japanese husband, Sam. He was stricken with lung cancer and is now in remission. They've been married since forever and yet, Cara said she'd sneak glances at him and catch him gazing adoringly at Tita Elsa. That is the kind of love I wish to experience one day. Correction. Experience again. I did feel that with ***, I truly and honestly did. But, I let life's lemons get to me and last night, my mind starting churning like crazy again. Backtrack. Tita shoved a plastic bag full of pasalubongs for us and at first, we didn't really pay attention to it (c'mon. it's really not cool to start rummaging in the pasalubong bag like a starving dog while the giver is there right in front of you), but Tita herself pulled the bag to her and started taking out its contents. She has a knack for buying gifts. She gave Cara the most wonderful fine arts set (I call it this because I have no idea what it's officially called) ever. Then, she gave Poch an MP3 player (gee, that's what I get for always planning ahead and getting things done early. I'd already bought him one for Christmas, but hey..we're not complaining). And I got a Coach wallet. Perfect, as Ive been making tiaga with my old coin purse since I cleaned out my stuff and hurled the wallet I was using into the trash. So we ended up being pretty happy that night. Until, it was time to go home and get a cab. Now, let me take this time to say that I really really hate Makati. I'm sorry, Makati-lovers. I don't appreciate the place. Especially when it's raining and you're stuck in the rain, waiting for a cab. It's a nightmare for commuters like me. I have this thing with being stuck out in the middle of the night. I panic. When I see the sea of people waiting to nab a cab (hey, what's with the rhymes?), I just start to panic. And I get irritated and I curse and I grit my teeth and pull at my hair. And it didn't help that the last time I was stuck in Makati in this situation, I was with ***. So the night was a clear reminder of what I had, but don't have anymore. When we finally did get a cab that wasn't trying to extort huge sums of money from us, I sat in silence and started to really feel bad about myself. This temper problem has really got to go. I mean, people left and right have upped and left me because of it. Then, I started to feel sad. Because I remembered Just Like Heaven and how, when asked about his late wife, Mark Ruffalo's character fondly recalled all of his wife's negative traits. Meaning, the things that irritated him were the same things made him love her so much. He loved her imperfections. I wish *** could love me and my imperfections so much that things didn't have to turn out this way. But, I've already made peace with this issue - it's just too private to post here. Then, I turned to Cara and asked her if there ever was a time that I mellowed out. By that time, I was imagining better ways I could've managed the situation. I could've gamely challenged my siblings to walk to EDSA or some other destination while waiting to get a cab. Or I imagined we could've taken it all in stride and made fun of ourselves while flagging down a cab. Or simply just enjoying the rarity of the moment - me and my siblings hanging out in Makati on a weekday. Just like that one September night. I could've just reveled in ***'* presence. We could've just enjoyed hanging out. Sat on the green patch of grass in front of Glorietta and waited until everyone else had gone home and we'd have no competition for cabs. I just wish I was more of a free spirit. Wish I could just enjoy life to its fullest. Anyway, I digress. Cara said, yes, for awhile. When *** and I first got together. But, eventually, I went back to how I was. I guess you really can't change other people unless they want to change for good. Even if the change was unintentionally. Old habits die hard. It wasn't ***'* goal to change me as it wasn't my goal to change her. But we did change for awhile, except that I guess we didn't want it badly enough for ourselves because we morphed back into how we were before we met each other. Okay. Enough. I didn't mean to reminisce.I think that should be a New Year's resolution. Live life and enjoy life. Oh, that is so going to be difficult because it is so not me, but hey, no harm in trying right? Other issues to come later. If I don't forget. Basta.
tried on a size 9 @9:28 AM
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Friday, December 09, 2005
Bad ate
Let this be my final wake up call. I've had many and I hope this will do it. I was midway through my day when I realized that I forgot to give my brother his daily allowance. Sometimes, when I put money in his wallet when he's fast asleep, I see that he has a couple of extra bucks to spare. Today, however, he didn't. Of all the days I forget to give him allowance, it had to be today. Being completely aware of the male species' bottomless pit, he must've starved with the P50 (minus transpo fare) in his pocket. I was too absorbed in my sorrow to remember my responsibilities towards him. It's time to stop thinking about myself and of others for a change. To stop being so stubborn and hard-headed. Not the easiest thing to do because I've been this way for a long time. Been criticized and left behind for it too. Yes, change is difficult. And for someone who doesn't take change very well, it's almost impossible. But, I did it once and I can do it again. Last night, while staring at the rain and the brightly lit yard of my home, feeling abandoned yet again, I realized that being abandoned never used to be an issue with me. Why? Because I depended on only myself for everything. Well, mostly. I kept things to myself, solved my problems on my own (when I say my, me and I, it automatically means me and God - for the benefit of people like R. reading this. That's already a given. I'm sure you know that.) I have to get myself back in that state again. Because my movie companion had to rush off and be somewhere else (no offense taken don't worry, my dear friend), I was left to finish watching "In Her Shoes" by myself. I think it was the first movie I've watched alone. I've been meaning to watch by myself for the longest time but never got around to it. And what turned out to be a fairly slow-paced movie suddenly got my tears flowing. Question of the day: Why do some people force themselves on people who aren't sure if they want that person?Love can make people do things they never thought they'd be capable of doing... and with that said, I choose to keep the rest of my little insight to myself. It's too personal to be announced on the world wide web. (Yeah, like the rest of my life isn't and it's already on here. :) )Postscript: Speaking of changes... I'm still quite surprised by the events of this past year. So many changes have happened and I've been buried in my depression to really let it sink in. So sometimes, when I'm just sitting around, unguarded, I'll go through my usual routines and realize that there's a missing step. And before I can brush the thought aside, I let myself feel how different things are. The room we stay in, the arrangements in the house, what I've lost, and the emotions that all go with it. I cannot cannot believe it still. Because I have no choice, I let those changes happen in my life. But I don't pay attention to it. I kind of just let it sneak in. Now, as I sit in front of my computer on a Friday night, I vaguely remember how life used to be for me. And how I know things will never, ever be the same and how it'll take awhile before I can enjoy the simple things in life again. One more thing. I think I've been in denial about a lot of things that have happened in my life. My mom and grandmother dying, family and financial problems, etc. I usually realize that I'm in denial later on. When I'm all okay and healed. But, while dealing with this whole heart problem, I think the denial potion is wearing off a little too soon. Because I know I'm in denial even before I've started to heal. Kind of like anesthesia wearing off in the middle of surgery. I guess this is good. Because I'm able to face this much pain and hurt without having to be manhid about it. I'm not covering it up with something else. I'm just wallowing in it. And hopefully, this will help me become a better person. But man, the dreams are impossible to deal with. Amazingly painful. See, I dream of good things. So when I wake up, I feel like the dream is real life and real life is a nightmare. Know what I mean?
tried on a size 9 @8:24 PM
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Friday, December 02, 2005
All I want for Christmas...
1. Only God can give me this2. Bronze BCBG shoes3. Hotwind Round toed pumps in purple or any cute pumps4. Gucci Envy Me5. Full, flowing printed skirts (calf length)6. A trendy, high-collared jacket or sweater7. Sophisticated, long-sleeved tops 8. Pique shirts in different colors (Preview's version of a polo shirt)9. A mod, thick belt thanks A. and C.! 10. A new spacious bag again, thanks A. It's beeyootiful!11. Bronze, gold and silver ballet shoes in size 9.If God gives me number 1, I don't need the rest. :) Labo, I know. Meaning I'll trade in everything for number 1.
tried on a size 9 @5:38 PM
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