Thursday, August 31, 2006
Bum=Me
1. I'm not rummaging around my bag to make sure my two phones haven't been snatched. I returned my office phone, so know I'm just checking on one phone unit.
2. I'm back to commuting. Jeeps, buses, MRT, you name it. But no expensive cabs for me.
3. I am actually doing pretty well at restraining myself from buying anything unnecessary. Even a Ki-ka bar.
4. I'm drooling for Mister Kebab but it stops there. I can't go out on a whim and grab special cielos to eat on my meager savings. Okay, exag but I'm so scared I'll run out of money!!!
5. I slept in the afternoon.
6. I am actually able to catch dinner at home.
7. I'm already bored to death.
I miss the small things though. Lounging around the house, not having to multi-task to get things done. I can understand how stay-at-home mothers might like not having to work. It's nice to focus on household duties without having to sweat over work deadlines, preparing for pow-wows and doing damage control.
I took a nap and ended up dreaming about World Vision again. And my being unemployed. And with an overflowing bladder. So I walked to the bathroom half asleep and discovered that someone forgot to flush the toilet after doing number 2. So just to make it vivid for you, the toilet resembled a murky, mini-lake. I reached over to flush the toilet when I noticed the shit trashing around wildly. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Shit moving? Then I saw two beady eyes looking helplessy at me, pleading for my rescue. And I realized that THAT was no moving shit, but a hamster-sized rat swimming in feces! He was fighting the whirlpool-like current of the toilet flush and since our flushing power is very weak, he didn't go down at all. We eventually got him out of there and thoroughly disinfected the bowl, but still. That was a weird moment. All the more when I realized that I actually found the whole scene cute for a moment there. Or I found the rat cute. Kasi naman he was soaking wet so naka slick back yung hair niya. Para siyang naka brush up.
Weird first day unemployed.
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Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Au revoir Summit
My first job. Summit Media. It seemed so long ago when I first started working here. With the powerhouse team that was comprised of Treena, Frances, Ro and the new addition - me. I am now sitting at my desk for the very last time. The last time I'll ever touch these keyboards, sit on this chair, swipe in for and out of work. It hasn't sunken in yet. My disappointment over the loss of World Vision came even before I feel any sadness over the loss of Summit, but I know I will feel it once I'm finally gone. This.Was.My.Life. For two years, 5 months and 15 days, this was what my life revolved around. And soon, I'll be working with strangers, at a completely new place. And I feel...blank. It's not because I don't care about Summit or that I don't love the people I work with (in 34 minutes, the correct tense would be "used to work with"). It's just that, it's quite difficult to fathom that I will no longer be a Summiteer. I discovered so many things about myself in this place. I unearthed so many surprises about myself. Kris, the loner and anti-socialite, became a full-blown PR person. One who uninhibitingly (is there such a word?) chatted up every press person left and right and developed new (and hopefully lasting) friendships with them. Amazing.Flashback: Melissa and I were standing outside Toto Labrador's studio more than a year ago when she shared with me how amazed she was that I could chat up the MTV crew just like that. She also divulged how worried she was at how well she'd fare at that, seeing as that she didn't know how to 'PR' herself. And I remember telling her that it wasn't always easy for me. And sometimes, I still struggle with that. Now, I see how fantastic she is at her job. And it reminded me of me. How I never thought I could do this, but did.
I will miss this place so much, I know I will. How many times have I sat at my desk, typing away all my troubles and into my blog? How many times have I walked around this mall with Ro as an attempt to detoxify ourselves? How many times have I taken a TV crew through the office to interview and editor? How many late nights have I spent slaving over a deadline? How many offices do you know of that doesn't practice crab mentality AT ALL? How many offices can you find that houses officemates who will support you in all your endeavors? Who will root for you when you get promoted and not try to keep success away from you?
Things have changed so much in the span of 2 years, 5 months and 15 days. This Summit is not the same Summit I initially fell in love with, but as time progresses, I continue to fall in love with it for all its transformations.
How do I feel aside from missing the place and the people? I absolutely don't know. I'll let you know when I figure it out. I just hope I don't do it while lying helpessly at home, pining over what I let go.
Here's to a new life. Good bye Summit.
You will always...be.
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Tuesday, August 29, 2006
My twin sister
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Friday, August 25, 2006
Decisions are not my strengths
I possibly made one of the biggest decisions of my life today. And I'm not feeling too grand about it, even if I did receive Word. I'm supposed to be writing PRs today but I'm feeling quite depressed. I feel a little lost. And angry at myself. Defiant. How come my heart keeps telling me that I should be there? This is the first time I've declined a job offer I liked. Do you know how hard that is? I feel stupid and lost. I feel so so lost. The first time I stepped into that office, I got a gleeful feeling. Like I belonged. I instantly felt like that was where I should be. I was ready to face everything that came my way. But He spoke to me and told me no. I feel like a little kid, begging for the latest "in" toy, and having my mom pulling me out of the store. Six days from the formal job offer and I back out. I browsed through the website just to torture myself... remind myself of what I was missing out on. Ever since that fateful day in my Womyn's Studies class, I have dreamed of the day when I would get to work for an NGO. I got offered a job earlier this year at an international NGO but I knew from day one that that wasn't the place for me. This one, however, really reeled me in. But, apparently, it's not the NGO for me either. And I'm just so upset that I've been trying to swallow my sobs the whole day. Why does it feel so wrong? I want to be angry at someone, anyone - but I know there's no one to blame but me. And right now, the lowest thing in my life is my faith. But, I guess I don't deserve much blessings either. I'm not exactly your perfect Christian. Long way to go for me. One thing is clear. Right now, I am angry at Him. I just want to be honest.
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Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Floating towards nowhere
It's angst time again! Have you ever experienced hanging in mid-air? Not knowing whether to go up or down? Or ever been on an endless road, driving and driving, not knowing where you're going to yet you know you're going somewhere significant?Self-centered. Since when have I become this? Was I always like this? Definitely, I only noticed recently. Well, a few months back. I don't want it to be all about me anymore. But, I don't know how to reverse that.
State of confusion. State of not knowing what is to be. That is me. Is this what they call going through a quarter-life crisis?
Nothing is worse than not knowing... having no direction... not anything. Not knowing how to feel, where to go, what to do, what to be. Nothing is worse than floating.
My days with them are numbered and it saddens me deeply.
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Friday, August 11, 2006
The Shoe-paholic strikes again!
The shoe demon has attacked once again. I was feeling pretty good about containing my shopping urges. We were at Bayo Glorietta yesterday for the Seventeen Favorite Model Search event and I was dangerously coveting a black bag which costs roughly P1600. I had it slung over my shoulder and I was so ready to take it to the counter when my rational side came over me and made me put the bag back on the rack. I went to the bathroom and came back sans the desire for the bag. Yay!
The event ended on a good note except for the vehicle mishap, which left us four PR girls roaming the halls of Glorietta, torturing Mica and her beaten feet. So there we were, making a ruckus in the middle of the Quad when I turn and catch a glimpse of a huge “SALE!” sign hanging in the window of Nine West. I freak out. But, Mica is too tired to walk all that way. Thanks goodness. Or so I think.
So, I slept at a friends house and had to borrow a whole outfit from her sister. But I couldn’t find shoes to match. Clad in my borrowed outfit and a very displaced pair of Havaianas, I made my way to work, determined to buy a pair of gold banig slippers which only costs P180. I even teased myself a little and checked VNC and Wade (which was having a sale), knowing that I wasn’t interested in purchasing anything over P180.
Until I reached 50th Avenue and I realized that the stores which carried the banig slippers were still closed. Panicking, I made a mad dash for the escalators and found myself at Nine West Galleria. Drooling over shelves of discounted pairs of shoes. All bug-eyed and dizzy from the rush. I had the saleslady take out several pairs in my size until I finally settled on a pair of lush, green peep-toed sandals.
The event ended on a good note except for the vehicle mishap, which left us four PR girls roaming the halls of Glorietta, torturing Mica and her beaten feet. So there we were, making a ruckus in the middle of the Quad when I turn and catch a glimpse of a huge “SALE!” sign hanging in the window of Nine West. I freak out. But, Mica is too tired to walk all that way. Thanks goodness. Or so I think.
So, I slept at a friends house and had to borrow a whole outfit from her sister. But I couldn’t find shoes to match. Clad in my borrowed outfit and a very displaced pair of Havaianas, I made my way to work, determined to buy a pair of gold banig slippers which only costs P180. I even teased myself a little and checked VNC and Wade (which was having a sale), knowing that I wasn’t interested in purchasing anything over P180.
Until I reached 50th Avenue and I realized that the stores which carried the banig slippers were still closed. Panicking, I made a mad dash for the escalators and found myself at Nine West Galleria. Drooling over shelves of discounted pairs of shoes. All bug-eyed and dizzy from the rush. I had the saleslady take out several pairs in my size until I finally settled on a pair of lush, green peep-toed sandals.
I knew I was drowning in guilt when I crept back into the office, leaving the Nine West shopping bag in one corner so that no one would notice my purchase (I was already wearing the shoes). And then I sat in a daze at my desk, realizing what I had just done. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, I know, but the whole thing just happened so fast and the feeling was unfortunately, all too familiar. Right then and there, I wanted to hop in a cab, speed over to the neares Shopaholics Anonymous Center (but it doesn't exist), confess my purchase and once again resolve to stay away from those evil accesories called shoes. But there’s no such thing. So now I just have to live in guilt, wondering if I’ll ever be able to curb this shoe shopping obsession.
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Wednesday, August 09, 2006
This is my calling...
Boo yeah! Main Type | Overall Self |
 |  |
| Enneagram Test Results
Your variant is self pres |
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Monday, August 07, 2006
2 years earlier
I'm feeling chipper today. The first time in months that I practically skipped out of the house, happy thoughts bubbling. That is why the first thing I did when I got to work was log on to my blogspot account. To document this rare feeling of happiness. The world looks brighter and more colorful today. For once, I don't feel like holding back on being happy (usually I do so because I'm afraid that there's an equal reason to be sad or depressed). Today, I'm throwing caution to the winds. I read once that it's winds. But is it wind?I'm a happy duck. I'm a huppy dack.
But I'm not me without a little bit of angst. Don't you hate it when you get unwanted comments about how you look? The occasional compliment from an officemate, a sibling, a friend is of course very much appreciated, but a "Sexy mo miss" (sabay catcall) always, always, always offends me. I immediately feel demoralized. And today, when some perv called my attention, it took me all of 2 seconds to try and contain my hatred before I let loose on expletives. Yeah, wag patulan, but I'm so sorry. I love to make patol. I don't like letting people get away with things.
Back to happy thoughts. Or rather, random thoughts. Yesterday, I went back in time and watched a WNCAA game. I swear, I am getting old. Lately, my memory seems to be slipping. Forgetting names, forgetting things people already told me, mixing people up, stuff like that. I embarrassed myself quite a few times yesterday, confidently saying hi to people who weren't who I thought they were. And not recognizing people who would say hi to me. Looking sheepishly and wide-eyed as I hurriedly tried to recall where and when I met that person. I think it must be the wear-your-hair-long trend that did me in. These blues really look different with long hair.
It was also the first time I've been back in that area since I graduated. It gave me a funny feeling. A strange dose of nostalgia, which I didn't expect.
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Sunday, August 06, 2006
As Captain Barbosa would say..
So. How does one acquire a sunny disposition these days? Are there classes for it? I think I need to enroll in a "How to Stay Positive" class.In the middle of going through a life insurance policy, my mind started to wander and I am struck by a scene from Pirate of the Caribbean. Keira Knightley bravely faces Captain Barbosa as he succinctly describes his insatiable thirst for everything and anything. And I realize that I know how that darned pirate feels. My thirst is insatiable - I am never content. Always looking for more. Digging wherever I can for that one piece that would latch all the scattered pieces of me together. Do you know how desolate it feels to be empty? I can't pinpoint when it all started. That one incident which triggered a series of unfortunate events. You run after every semblance of happiness only to discover that it is fleeting. You're cranky, moody and a full-time hater. And you envy those who are carefree, free-spirited and void of the weight of the heaviest problems. You wonder how you can get to that patch of spiritual and emotional well-being instead of drowning in negativity and insane thoughts. You miss the simplicities of life. You miss wanting to take on every challenge and miss the drive that youth brings. All of a sudden, you're afraid of everything. You can count on one hand the number of moments you're gleefully, blissfully ecstatic and worry-free. You miss being giddy and absolutely childish.
So dear sister, I envy your being blissfully happy. Cherish the moment.
In three weeks, I will have all the time to read and pray and rest. It's a scary thought, following your dreams. What if you discover your dreams don't want to be followed? It's also very difficult turning down an opportunity to be a successful leader (one of my fears is to lead). I almost want to run back and burn my resignation letter. But, I know that my little NGO-wannabee self will be nagging me, asking me to explore the route I've set my life to travel.
Here's to an adventure! Must-read: The Time Traveller's Wife. You literally won't be able to put it down. Next book on the list: The Prophet. Also a book you can't put down.
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