KrisMis!

So much hate on V-day

2012-02-14T17:54:00.004+08:00

I hate hypocrites. A few weeks ago, I got into a squabble with a person that I thought was a friend.

My friend messaged her about it then shared with me the dialogue. When I read it I just exploded all over again. If I could talk to that former friend this is what I would say. This version is a lot more saintly. You should've seen my e-mail to L. It was full of expletives.

1. It’s Twitter. It’s public!!!! So you cannot blame anyone if people respond to your public tweets. Because it’s open to the public. What part of public do you not understand?!

Backgrounder: A former friend made fun of Ateneo's "Win or lose it's the school we choose" chant. I responded, they got offended. I don't understand why because I saw that they were also lambasting Bianca Gonzalez, who was supportive of Ateneo. I don't get the double standard. Why are you complaining that your friends felt "nabastos" when you were out there doing the exact same thing to other people whose conversation you were not part of? And then you'll complain when other people (me) jump in on your conversation with your friends. I don't get it. That's so hypocritical.

2. “Lagi namen iniintindi si Kris because of you”. What kind of friendship is that? They only care about me because of my closeness to common friend? So if wala si common friend, wala din ako. Tama ang hinala ko. They’re only friends with me because I am L's friend. I don’t need their charity. I have other friends who are friends simply because they want to by MY friend too. All the more that this effin' fake friendship is over. You don't know that we ALL made you "intindi" every time you freakin' bailed out on us when we planned to meet up. Everytime you kept us hanging. Everytime nagpapa-espesyal ka at kami ang naga-adjust to meet where it's most convenient for you. So let me shove this in your selfish face - you don't tell me na "iniintindi" mo ako para sa ibang tao kasi my God! The things we put up with just to keep your selfish ass happy.

3. “Pero di mo kase ginawa kaya medyo tampo ako”, pertaining to L, who she was expecting to make a move to be the mediator. And who the hell do you think you are? Blair Waldorf? Para pag tuonan ka ng pansin ng lahat ng tao? Not everything is about you. Look at yourself. Look in the mirrow, be true to yourself. See how messed up you are. I feel sorry for you because you don’t know that you are the most selfish, most self-centered person I know. All you think about is yourselves. I feel sorry for you because you can't even be honest with yourself.

Get real. Get off your high-horse. Look at yourself. Ang taas ng ihi mo. Ang tawag dun, misplaced, empty confidence. Nothing to back it up. You disgust me.

My Pwet Pillow

2012-02-14T09:41:00.000+08:00

I've made a discovery. I like to call it my "Pwet Pillow". The past few weeks, I've been suffering from coccyx pain. My officemates (two of which are guys), are starting to cringe everytime I mention it because, well, coccyx isn't really the most beautiful word in the world. This is the first job I've had that requires me to sit hours at a time, day-after-day. I'm not complaining. I ABSOLUTELY adore this job. But I guess my body is revolting. My as* is not used to being overused. So these days, everytime I stand up from my seat, I groan in pain and yell, "My coccyx hurts!".

Finally, two Sundays ago, I came across this kiosk at Galleria, which sells tailbone pillows. For some reason, I thought they were priced at Php1,000, so I walked away thinking, "No butt of mine is going to get splurged on with that kind of crazy amount. Ayoko siya i-spoil". But now that my butt has seen the possibilities, it's been crying out for some cushy comfort. Last week, it put its foot down and practically screamed for the darned pillow. Still, I held my ground. I hopped myself over to Daiso (the Japan home store) which sells everything at P88 and picked up a pillow wrapped in bamboo mat and one of those curved, net back support things that you usually use for the car.

I rushed back to work, excited to try out my new butt gear. Which failed miserably. I read on the net that I could experiment, so I grabbed a stack of newspapers and shoved it under my thigh, with the bamboo-wrapped pillow supporting my lower back. That helped alleviate the pain a little, but I felt so kawawa having to sit on newspaper the whole week that I finally relented and made a trip to Galle to buy the darned Mates Memory Foam. When I got there, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the pillow only costs Php 688 and came in pretty colors. I got the crimson, but they had it in black, navy blue, blue jeans and something else that I now forget. I got the crimson of course, but the blue jeans also had me thinking.

To make sure I don't waste my previous Daiso purchases, I still use the items to support my back. Needless to say, my pwet is very happy with its cushy. Yay! No more tailbone pain!

Here's another rave review: http://www.shopcrazy.com.ph/2011/10/product-love-mates-memory-foam-pillows/

Heavenly Bliss at Nuat Thai Tomas Morato

2012-02-13T09:31:00.000+08:00

Whenever I get amassage, I can never fall asleep because that is when my mind is most active.Last night, while getting my back kneaded, words were flowing through my head. I was that excited to blog about it. Before anything else, this was, hands down, the best massage experience I’veever had. Yes, almost even better than Neo Spa, which is the most “high-end”spa I’ve been to. Speaking of which, I really love the experience Neo Spa givesyou. I digress. Back to Nuat Thai.

Or, maybe I’vebeen getting the wrong kind of massageall along. I usually get the combo of Thai and Swedish, but today, I tried justthe Thai, head, back and shoulders. So let me start from the beginning.

L and I enteredthe Nuat Thai building near Congo Grille on Scout Limbaga corner Tomas Morato.

Hello Thai Buddha (?)

Even before weenter the door, I was greeted by the relaxing aroma of peppermint. The place isinfused with the scent. We waited a little, then was led through a pebbled pathto this area, where we got foot soaks.

Please excuse the quality. I was using my camera phone.
Path leading into the massage area on the first floor.

Foot soak to start the experience

Then we were led up the stairs to our massage room.

Second level reception

Hello again Mr. Buddha (?)

Second floor. Path leading to our room

Our room.

I love that, unlike other spa places,there is no common room. Everyone gets his/her own nook, lending privacy toevery client, regardless of the service he/she gets. But since L and I came intogether, we got to get massaged in a room with two beds. As I waited for themasseuse, I settled on the massage cushion, which was laid on the floor. Iespecially liked this differentiation from other spas, although they did havebed options too. As I closed my eyes and zoned out, the music enveloped me. Themusic was the kind of music you’d want at the spa - soothing and zen - insteadof the kind they have at my old neighborhood spa, which was instrumentals ofcheesy love songs I really hate (think Wind Beneath My Wings, The King and Queen of Hearts)or at one really bad spa, Love Radio. No I don’t go to sleazy spas, okay. Ijust like to go to affordable ones. Backto Nuat Thai. I loved the privacy at this spa. Well here, I could get both class and affordability.

The only thing lacking is thespecialized massage bed with the hole for the head. I got a crick in the neckuntil I decided to just keep my head straight down (as opposed to turned to theside) and propped my chin on the baby pillow they had so that I wouldn’tsuffocate.

My masseusestarted with my feet, so I reminded her that I was only going to have my HBS(head, back, shoulders) done. She says, “Opo Ma’m” and proceeds to massage myfeet, then my legs. I like that although you asked for HBS, they still pay someattention to other parts of your body to kind of warm up to the massage. Itstill felt good to have my lower extremities massaged. Then, as she hit my backarea, which has really been aching the whole week, I could practically die inbliss. One line came to mind, “The other spas I’ve been to were just practice.This was the real thing”. I wasted all my adult life getting combos when Ishoulda been getting Thai massages! The pressure point style was more my thingthan the stretching and pulling and caressing that you get from a Swedishmassage. I like knuckles being dug into my muscle and thumbs and fingersdisappearing into my skin. Ah, bliss! I could feel all the pain leave my back. Plusshe did this weird fish motion thing with her hands that simply sent me intospa heaven. I can’t exactly describe what it was she was doing because at thatpoint, I was drifting into unconsciousness. She was that good. And all for the price of P250, no oil. Withoil, you pay an extra P50. I’m usually big on scented oils, but this time, Ididn’t mind it so much. I got to keep my pajama set on (yes, long pants insteadof shorts) and the smell of peppermint was in the air, anyway. My friend got afull-body massage for the same price and she totally loved her experience, too.

After themassage, we were offered tea, which we sipped at reception. It was a nice touchas we were thirsty afterwards and the tea completed the whole experience. Theplace was also nicely decorated and totally gave a Thailand feel (not that I’veever been to Thailand).

Tea for us. :)

I’m glad to havefound this new spa place. This one’s a keeper!

Nuat Thai TomasMorato cor Scout Limbaga

(02) 4131446

When friendships need to die

2012-02-07T10:17:00.000+08:00

I am baffled by something. Friendship. In the past year, Ihave been in several tiffs with different friends. After some time, it gets tobe too emotionally exhausting to have to keep up. So I start detaching myself.Which means that you can count on one hand the people I consider friends forlife. Okay, maybe two hands.

Let me be completely candid here. I expect things out of friendships. It sounds so materialistic anduncharacteristic of a real friendship but it is the truth for me. Here’s what Ineed from you to be my friend for life:

Loyalty
Honesty and
Selflessness

In turn, I will lay down my life for you.

Proverbs 17:17 says “A friend loves at all times, and abrother is born for adversity”.

Mess with this friend and you're gonna go down. My bestie Ro.

I am fiercely loyal and protective as a friend. I will climbmountains and cross the ocean for you (sounds like a song, doesn’t it? I guessMonica knew what real friendship is all about, then). But there’s a condition.You must at least be even a fraction of that kind of friend to me, too.

It sounds shallow doesn’t it? But right now, my shallow mindcannot comprehend how someone can be friends with someone without asking forloyalty, honesty, dependability and trustworthiness in return. I mean come on.If a friend is all fun and games, but you can never turn to her/him when thegoing gets tough (because for sure, she can count on you), what’s the point? Sabi nga ni Joel Osteen, "You've got to make deposits into that relationship".

I can’t understand it, can you? I’d really like to know.Maybe you can open up a whole new perspective for me. For you, what are yourrequirements (if any) from a friend? If they don't meet those requirements, is it goodbye to them?

Book Sneeze Review: "Love You More" by Jennifer Grant

2012-02-02T00:02:00.004+08:00

I never want to have kids.I don’t for several reasons that deserve another entry in itself. It’s not thatI hate kids – I don’t. I actually like them very much and am very comfortablewith them as I’ve helped take care of my siblings when we were all younger. Ijust feel uncomfortable having kids of my own when there are so many unlovedchildren out there. It might be the developmental advocate in me, but I neverreally put much thought into why I didn’t desire to have biological childrenwhen left and right, women my age are worrying about their aging eggs.

Then, last December, in avisit to CRIBS, I was enlightened. While holding ababy boy in the orphanage, I felt a tug on my heartstrings and I knew that itwas God’s plan for me to foster children. And, as with God’s will, everythingjust kind of started to get pieced together. No, I am not a proud foster motherof a precious child – yet. But I did come across Book Sneeze (http://booksneeze.com/), which is a site thatwill “give bloggers books for free in exchange for an honest review”. One ofthe books that piqued my interest was “Love You More” by Jennifer Grant. In allhonestly, I chose this book because I thought it would talk about the plight ofpoor children in Guatemala (I’m a sucker for historical-cultural books thattouch on political issues). So when I first started to read “Love You More”, Ikind of felt like I was reading one of those self-help books like “What toExpect When You’re Expecting”. It did actually did sort of start out that way. Ialso found it a bit too preachy and something an older or more mature audiencewould appreciate. Right off the bat though, it jumped out at me how adept Grantwas at this kind of writing. She had an excellent knack for choosing words andit was clear that the author was an intelligent writer (she is, in fact, ajournalist).

As the book started off tobe a little too detail-oriented, I was only too eager to fast-forward to thescene where Grant and her husband get to take home their adopted daughter, Mia.This said, the presence of the minutest detail makes this a great guide foraspiring adoptive parents. It is peppered with tips on how to cope with thelong and bureaucratic (whew! Had a hard time spelling that without spell check.Sometimes, technology can behazardous to one’s intelligence) process. It illustrates the frustrations thatcome with the child’s adjustment period and quells the adoptive parents’apprehensions and fears that arise once the child finally arrives home. It’salso quite an eye opener, addressing a lot of common misconceptions about the adoptionexperience starting from the initial interest in adopting to the years thatfollow the child’s homecoming.

Once I got past the technicalities,I thoroughly enjoyed the book and the way that Grant so vividly illustrated herfirst few days, weeks, months and year with Mia. “Love You More” breaks downthe old-fashioned way of living life as an adoptive family, and how to live ina more progressive way of healthily raising a child that isn’t biologicallyyours. It is heartwarming, enlightening and is a sweet reminder of how God’slove manifests in the most surprising ways.

How I Tortured the People I Love

2012-01-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

I hate who I used to be. From about 2007 to 2011, mycharacter dipped a record-breaking low. I’m not sure how people could evenstand me. All around me, people still loved me, cared for me and looked out forme. Those people had far more maturity and wisdom than I, because they didn’tjudge or cast me aside. They continued to be my friends. They continued to loveme. I’ve been reading “Become A Better You” these past few months. It’s by JoelOsteen. It’s really been helpful in touching red alert areas in my life which I’vebeen struggling with.

Today, I read, “…It’s okay to be down and discouragedoccassionaly. Everybody has a right to have a bad day. But if you do that allthe time, that’s a problem. You’re not going to have good friendships if you’realways draining the emotional reserves of the people around you”, and “If you’realways talking about what’s wrong in your life, or how badly people orcircumstances are treating you, that’s an extremely selfish way to live”.

After reading this, I felt terribly ashamed of myself. I’vemade it about me for so long and people have been kind enough to put up with it. I see it sort of likePDA. Some people think that PDA does people no harm. But what they don’trealize is that they FORCE people to witness their display of affection even ifwe don’t want to witness it. To the PDAers, there’s no harm, but it may be an eyesore for those around them because affection, to a certainextent, is largely personal and private. Another example is noise pollution.Let’s say someone plays something as nice as classical music in the office, andplays it really loudly. Now for the most part, classical music is beneficialbecause it’s soothing and undeniably a form of art. BUT, what if other peopledon’t like that genre, or simply, can’t work hearing music or noise. So siclassical fan SUBJECTS those around him to music that isn’t…well..music to others' ears.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve selfishly burdened my friends to listen to my problems. I felt entitled to their timebecause they’re my friends and they’re supposed to care about me. BUT, I should’vethought of them too. My negativity was so heavy it was stifling. Who would want to put their loved ones through that? It must’ve beenfrustrating, even enraging to some, if not all, of my closest friends. And yet, they sucked it up and just let me get it out of my system. Which I shouldn't have. Venting can be therapeutic and all, but it is only healthy to very measured level.

With that in mind, I want to thank those who love me so muchthat they put up with my crap. And apologize deeply for constantly droppingdrama into your lives without even giving you a choice. I’m blessed that I havewise, compassionate, mature, and patient friends. Because you’ve been so kindto me, you’ve played a huge part in who I am now – happy, positive, lessselfish, blessed.

*Disclaimer: The photos below only signify SOME of my cherished friends. Some very dear friends aren't pictured below, but that doesn't make them any less valuable (charos showbiz kuno haha).

Addicted to the drug that killed Michael Jackson

2012-01-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

I’ve said this over amillion times. I love hospitals. I love the smell of disinfectant in the air,and the way their linen smells squeaky clean. Today, I had my first everprocedure. I needed to have an gastroscopy done to find out what’s wrong withmy stomach, which has been acidic the past month or two. I once had a friendwho suffered badly from ulcers, and I was kind of traumatized. So at the firstsign of discomfort, I hightailed it to the doctor’s clinic. My procedure wasscheduled at 9.30 am. I was asked to be there half an hour prior to myprocedure, but I wasn’t settled into the gurney until about 10.30am. My doctoris perennially late, and I was already a little cranky because the procedurerequired me to fast. I was hoping to get something in my tummy after an hour ortwo, but by 10am, I was still in the waiting room. He had just arrived, but Iwas fifth on his list. Buti nalang a gastroscopy only lasts about 5-10 minutes.While waiting, the anesthesiologist inserted an IV line, through which she willadminister Propofol, which happens to be the same anes that Michael Jacksonoverdosed on. So before I knew it, I was being ushered to endoscopy room. Iwas asked to lie down on a gurney, and as I was waiting, I looked around to seehow a procedure room looked like in Pinas. I’ve only ever seen those shown onGrey’s Anatomy, my favorite TV series EVER. It was a simple room that had an“old” quality to it. Knowing that The New Medical City was constructed in midor late 2000, I wondered who the designer was and if it was a deliberate choiceto make the place so seventies. I noticed how bright the lights were and howcold the room was. I noticed the clock directly in front of me, albeit slightlyoverhead, and wondered if they’ve ever had to use that to call time of death. Iwas, after all, in and endoscopy room and not in an operating the room. Then thetechs put on my heart monitor, then my ECG, and then my oxygen, which was coldand dried up my nose so I was hoping that my anes would put me under ASAP. Shecame to my side with a syringe, said “Inject ko na yung anesthesia ha”. Inodded, then, after five literal seconds, I started getting woozy. I loved it!I loved that the effect was so instant! The room started to get blurry before Icould even count to six! The attendants asked me to roll on to my side and Icould barely do it, I was so groggy! I managed to get onto my left side, wasconscious for about a second on my side and then I was out. I absolutely lovedit!

The next thing I knew, a male voice was waking me up, then telling me I wasin the recovery room, to sleep off the anesthesia. I tried, but my I guess mybody’s tolerance to sedatives is pretty high because I used to pop Benadryl AHlike there was no tomorrow, because after that, mababaw nalang tulog ko. The nurses were chatting a little noisily as well,so that kept me from going to sleep. Plus the lady on my right had so muchreklamo. The man on my left was snoring his head off. Haha. I said to the nurse“Ambabait namin kapag tulog ‘no? Pag gising, ang kukulit na”, cause I kept asking them if I could get up becauseI couldn’t sleep anymore. Overall, it was a good experience. There were notraces of the gastroscopy, I almost feel like it didn’t happen!

The nurses atMedical City were awesome, too. I don’t know why people still like to go tocrowded and old Makati Med. But yeah, TNMC is my most favorite hospital in thewhole world that when I got hospitalized two years ago, in my groggy state, Iasked the nurse to make sure to admit me into The Medical City. I said thiswhile in the gurney of St. Luke’s to a nurse employed there.

What about friends?

2012-01-19T17:27:00.000+08:00

At my church, we’re encouraged to do Prayer and Fasting tokind of jumpstart our New Year’s Resolutions. Last year, something epichappened during P&F. I was forced to deal with one of my worst traits ever.In hindsight, I can’t believe I burdened so many people with the kind of negaperson that I was. I got badly berated for that character trait, and reallyexperienced the wrath of that person. That led to a series of events thatbrought me here – to where I work now. And where I work now has really helpedme become a better person.

This P&F, I’ve been blessed to have the leadership oftwo amazing women. My immediate superioris actually from VCF also, so we fasted together, which also served as abonding experience. What was revealed to me this year is to strengthen myweaknesses. I’ve also been given a bit of clarity about perspective.

I’m learning to appreciate things a little bit more thisyear. I’m slower to anger and sadness because I’ve somehow been given thematurity to see things in a different, less childish perspective. One of thethings I’ve been struggling with the past year is the enormous loss offriendships I seem to have had. I had falling outs with friends, and Iseriously felt that I was going to lose them. I felt like I banished about ahandful of friends last year. But then, I’ve realized that that is how a childwould deal with differences between two people. Kapag hindi nag agree, hindi na bati. After many rants and posts onTwitter about “How do you know if a friend is for keeps”, I realize thatfriendships – relationships – are not black and white. There are seasons when afriend will get on your nerves, or vice versa. You will not see eye-to-eye. Youwill abhor a friend. You will have repeated arguments and squabbles and fallingout moments. It took me awhile, but I think I was finally able to distinguishthe difference between a friendship deserving of tossing and one that is worthkeeping. Don’t let the fights fool you into thinking that a friendship isn’t worthit. It’s great that you have differences. It’s great that there’s variety inyour barkada. I guess I’ve learned not to sweat the small stuff. Not to letstrife ruin relationships. True friends manage to get past the hardships.

Now if a friend breaks your trust or does somethingdeceitful…ah iba na iyon.

Wanna see a bangag dog?

2012-01-08T01:23:00.003+08:00

Today, I got a small, teeny glimpse of what it feels like to be a parent. I know that many won't consider taking care of dogs as being in the same league as having children. I would have to agree. There are so many more dimensions to rearing a child that are not present in caring for canines, but I like to think that to even to a small extent, I am a parent to my two boys, Max and Clyde.

Brave boy pre-ops

Clyde had his hernia surgery done today. He was born with this, and although it wasn't really necessary to have it sewn shut, we were advised to have it fixed before complications arise. Luckily enough, Clyde's condition was so mild that the only the tissue was sagging out of the hole in his tummy. His intestines were in tact. We took Max along for moral support and he even fasted with his little bro (not that he had a choice). Clyde first got his lab work done, just to make sure he's fit for surgery. Then, the doctor gave him something to make him throw up. To make sure there were no food pieces in his stomach. Doc M then gave him pampatulog. She was laughing because she put him on the floor and called out, "Clyde wait lang ha. I-injection-an lang kita". When she turned around, he was nowhere to be found. She also commented that Clyde must've been famished because when they shaved the area to be operated on, he started munching on the fur that started flying around.

I initially planned on just dropping him off. But while we were waiting for pre-ops, I felt guilty about leaving him in the cage, and, since the surgery was going to take less than an hour, we also decided to wait for him so that he'd be able to see us while wading through the anesthesia. When Doc M. carried him out, I felt like one of those mothers in hospital movies, like Grey's Anatomy (which I just finished watching, by the way). She was carrying him like a baby, and even offered him to me, just like a nurse would to a new mother. He was still pretty groggy from the drugs and kept jerking his head side to side, eyes glazed over and tongue sticking way out. Despite the circumstances, it was a funny sight.

Doc May cradling the newly operated on Clyde

Still high from the meds, I try to help him fight off the meds

Take advantage. He normally wouldn't let him kiss him on the mouth

Pinagtritripan na namin si Clyde

We stayed around to rouse him from the cloudiness of the medication, and left right before he was completely lucid so that he won't register seeing us leave. As I held him in my arms for that hour or so, I once again, felt this burst of overwhelming love for my dogs. I know some people will find it silly, or even be insulted, to compare dogs with babies, but I really felt a sense of completeness with M and C. They really do make life so much brighter. Can't wait to be with Clyde again. I miss him already. Had my VISA been approved, how would I have lasted a month away from my babies?

Here's a short video of Clyde at his most high. :)

US Visa: Denied!

2012-01-01T12:06:00.002+08:00

December 27. D-day. I have not tried to apply for aVISA these past 15 years because I never had the money, and partly because Iwas afraid of being rejected. 21 years ago, my mom bundled up her three kidsand took us to the US on a tourist visa. Long story, short, we overstayed. Sheworked there for a bit, then got cancer, then underwent treatment under her HMOfrom work (she worked at Kaiser Permanente). We ended up overstaying, for onereason or another, but the reason I knew is that she was getting treated forher cancer. I remember being called into court, then being told we had to goback to the Philippines or get black listed. I remember my mom relenting to gohome. It must have been a difficult time for her. She was in the late stages ofcancer (something I was oblivious to back then) and it must’ve been sostressful for her. For this, I have utmost respect for the strength she managedto draw for us kids. Ako nga, isang araw lang na hectic, gusto ko na magcollapse. So we went home, she didn’t tell us that the doctor had already givenher life a “taning”.

Fifteen years later, here I am trying to get avisa. I figure they won’t hold that overstaying thing against me because I wasa minor. My dad said that the consuls will deny me a visa because my momoverstayed. I think to myself “Hindi naman siguro ganun yung mga yun. DibaWestern sila? Don’t they have studies that show that what the parent does,hindi naman necessary na ganun din ang gagawin ng anak?”.

So on December 27, I ask our boy/driver Rey to takeme to the embassy. We leave at 4.30am, arrive at 5am, scout for a place for himto stay since cellphones are not allowed. I needed to know where to find him. Iwas not willing to take a taxi to and from the embassy given the rate of rapeand hold-ups these days. There’s a short line for tourist visas and I befriendthe two girls in front of me. I learned from http://jaderated.blogspot.com/2011/08/la-visa-kaloka-my-us-visa-adventures.html that you do not need to go to the embassy 1-2hours prior to your interview time as the Americans are on-the-dot. He wasright. They let us in at 6am for processing. My interview was at 6.30am. I showmy passport and US Visa application confirmation at the “booth” in front of theembassy. They put a sticker, give me a form then ask me to go to door 3. I goto door 3, proceed to have my bag checked, then instructions are repeated by astaff to sit down and wait for your number to be flashed on the LED screen. At6.30am, we start to get called. I approach the window and am surprised to see aCaucasian dude with a thick accent. Russian? Czech? Something like that. He wasvery friendly and chipper. He asked for my passport and the pink slip I had tofill out. The pink slip asked for information on your parents. He asked for myname and birthdate. Then he fingerprinted me. Gave me back my passport. Askedme to go wait for my number for the final interview. I sat back down and waitedanother 30-minutes. It was about 7am when the blinds were lifted from thewindows were the consuls were seated. My new friends and I were hoping to get amale consul (we heard they’re less ruthless). There was one young female consulthat we were all hoping not to get. My seatmate was called. She was called tothe male consul. Then my number flashed. I checked the window number and,tantanan! I get the female consul. She was friendly enough. I approach thewindow and say, “Hello” in my American accent. She says “Hello” back and smilesa little. I heard most consuls won’t even look at you. I think that this consulis a newbie because when the blinds were still drawn, I could see herconstantly talking to someone. It looked like someone was running her throughthe process.

Consul: What is the purpose of the VISA?

Me: Visit (sabi nila keep it short eh. Isang tanongisang sagot. Haha. I think my answer was too short. Buti mabait si consul.Siguro kung iba yun sinabe na sakin “Duh, I know it’s for a visit, that’s whyit’s called a visitor’s visa)

C: Have you ever been to the US?

M: Yes, I used to live there. From blah blah toblah blah.

C: What were you doing there?

M: Uhm, studying? My mom was working, but I’m notsure what kind of visa she was on. She’s dead now and I didn’t really get toask what visa she was on.

(At this point, she was kind enough to point outthat I was a minor then. Some consul, I guess her senior, was hovering,listening to our conversation)

C: Can I have your old VISA?

M: (I hand it to her). Here you go.

C: Who are you going to visit?

Me: My relatives. And I’m going to attend awedding.

C: Who’s wedding?

M: My best friend.

C: Why is your best friend in the US?

M: (confused). She lives there? She’s an Americancitizen.

C: When was the last time you saw her?

M: When I left the US in 1997.

C: How do you keep in touch?

M: When there was no internet, through post. Now,through Blackberry and Facebook.

C: Where are you going to live while you are in theUS?

M: My relatives.

C: How long have they been there?

M: I don’t know…like, forever? Maybe 20-30 years?They’re all American citizens.

C: Hold on a second. (Shuts the microphone thenconsults with her senior. I can see that the senior isn’t too keen on giving mea visa. She keeps gesturing to the computer in front of my consul, and to myold passport, which is in her hand. Junior consul seems to be explaining, “Butshe was a minor”. Senior consul says, “It doesn’t matter”. Or atleast that’swhat I lip-read.)

C: (turns on the mic). It says here that yoursalary is Php>>>. How are you going to pay for the trip?

__Wow. Parang naliitan sya sa sweldo ko. Haha

M: My mom left savings for me. (Stupid me. Iprobably shoulda said I saved it. But I’m not a good liar.)

C: Hold on just a second. (Shuts off mic. Consultswith senior consult who now has a smirk on her face and kind of laughs uponhearing that I’m gonna use my savings for the trip. Senior Consul seems to say,“She’s not a good candidate but it’s up to you”. Junior consul looks like shereally wants to give me a visa.)

At this point, I’m kind of uneasy na. I get thefeeling that this interview is not going well. But I try to look nonchalant andkind of bored and unfazed by the way the interview is going. She asks a fewmore questions, grabs a green sheet of paper, writes something then says, “Ihave some bad news for you. I’m sorry but you did not establish strong ties toyour country. You can try again as soon as you can show proof of strong ties”.

Me: (Smiles). Alright. Thanks anyway. Have a goodday.

It isn’t until later in the day that I realize howdisappointed I feel. I feel rejected, like I’m not good enough to go to theircountry. Like I’m second class. I’m in this funk the whole day. But then, Iguess it wasn’t a good time to go. I’ve been at my company for less than a yearand it would be so dyahe to ask for a leave of about 2-4 weeks before I turnedone. Plus, I really wasn’t financially ready. This way, I can save up somemore. Sayang lang yung application fee ng 6k. Sana pinambili ko nalang ngmaraming Zara clothes. Haha. So there. Most experiences I read kasi, approvedang visa nila. Here’s one na hindi.

This Christmas was love, love, love!

2012-01-01T12:00:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year everyone! Been wanting to post since Christmas, but something was wrong with my Internet. Blogger wouldn't let me sign in as a different user. Anyway, this has got to beone of the better Christmases I’ve had in a while. My brother, Poch, and Ireally got to bond this season.

We used to be estranged for some time, andbefore that, he and I were always bickering. So it’s great that we really gotto spend quality time together. He slept over while Dad went back to their homein Manila after a simple dinner with my uncle and my cousins (his kids). Weopened some presents, they drank, I was attacked by a severe case of allergies,then slept. The next day was the fun part. Poch and I went out to hunt for agrocery store that was open before and lo and behold! We hit the jackpot withEunilane on Kalayaan Avenue. I never thought grocery shopping could serve as abonding moment but it did. Then, we trekked home to bake some red velvetcupcakes and his specialty, chocolate mousse.

I have NOT baked in a long, long while.

Our ancient Kitchen Aid mixer conked out after the first few whisks. It's been resting for half a decade and I guess it kinda got gulat that it was being commissioned to work again after such a long hiatus.

Since Mom and Lola died, we've had simpler versions of Christmases, which I think, is how I like it best. From a house filled with 6 or so aunts and uncles, plus inlaws, plus 20+ cousins, to just a total of 7 of us, it was an adjustment, but fun nonetheless. For someone who doesn't want any kids, what I'm gonna miss most is a house bursting at the seams with relatives during the holidays. So I hope my sister and brother are planning on having truckloads of kids so that the holidays will still be festive reminiscent of my childhood (selfish much? haha). This is a classic time of the year when I honestly do love to give more than I receive. I love how the recipients' eyes light up if they like the gift we chose for the.

Then, my sissy's Christmas gift to me was a trip to La Union, my favorite trip beach of all time, so I was pretty happy myself. More of that in a different post.

Merry CRIBSmas!

2011-12-16T20:00:00.004+08:00

I've always said that I don't want to have kids. But in July, when my friend C. had a party at CRIBS, I realized that I might actually have a desire to foster children. I got this idea because my former boss also used to foster children. Then, when I visited CRIBS, I learned that they also need foster parents to prepare the babies for adoption. The last time I was there, I did not really get to spend time with the babies. I'd spent time with the tweens/teens and I got all teary eyed there too.

With Brother Bong, representing PascualLab

Today, I went to CRIBS with some colleagues to drop off some donations from our employees. What we did was ask for the top three wishes of the tweens/teens and we matched each child to an individual or a group within the office.

The gift isn't from me. It's from one of the kind donors from PascualLab.

Mang Gener

While waiting, we learned that Solenn Huesaff was there, sharing her blessings to the tweens/teens, so we hopped into the crawlers' section to check out the babies.

Brother Bong with his "ex-girlfriend" Solenn

As I entered, this little guy crawled towards me and asked to be carried. When I took him in my arms, I saw just how adorable this little boy is. He was fair-skinned, red-lipped, and a smiler. For someone who doesn't want kids, I couldn't, for the life of me, understand how anyone could abandon this child. The little boy, whose name is Carlo, loved to smile. I lifted him up above my head and he gurgled. I spun him around and danced with him and he beamed at me. As I cradled him in my arms and took a good look at him, I was surprised to feel this warmth spread throughout me. I guess it's what others might call the ticking of the biological clock. But, see, I still don't want one of my own. I wanted this little boy, whose mother just left him to fend for himself. I smelled his soft baby skin and kissed his pink, chubby cheeks, and I just didn't want to let go. I can't describe the feeling. I just felt like I wanted to do everything in my power to protect him. If I were financially stable right now, I probably would have scooped him up and filed for an adoption application.

That's when L. called my attention to the baby she was carrying. He had some sort of abnormality, in the way that you can tell from telltale signs on his facial expression. He kept crying because L. put him down and I guess he wanted to keep being held. I heard the babies there really need alot of human touch. I plan to go back there one day and just spend the afternoon holding and playing with the babies. If you have some free time, why don't you try it too. You don't have to donate anything. The best thing you can give is compassion.

To schedule a visit, call CRIBS at 6815921.

A Batangas I haven't seen before

2011-12-11T10:05:00.001+08:00

I love Batangas because it's the nearest decent beach place there is. But Friday and yesterday, I found another reason to love "The Destination for All Seasons". One is A's house, which totally reminded me of houses in Cerritos. The lush surroundings and the artfully designed home is total love. I now get why A is willing to brave the traffic to frequently travel to their Batangas rest house. And why he keeps offering for people to stay there. He wants to share the absolute beauty of the place.

WWF's Pao orients us

Another reason why we were in Batangas is to plant mangroves with WWF. Talking with Pao and Kim, we learned so much about the horror of what we do to our Earth. Now as we go along, pardon me because I'm not literate in environmentalism. The great thing about my job at Pascual is that I'm growing in so many ways, including learning to love the environment (which I never was a fan of. Simply because I had no interest and found everything too technical or difficult to understand.) Yesterday, we trekked to Brgy. Papaya in Nasugbu, Batangas to plant mangrove seedlings. We took a short boat ride, which, to me was relaxing, even if it was just a mere 100 meters' ride.

PascualLab employees going on a boat ride

With R.

There's something about being on a boat, surrounded by water and nature, that just refreshes the soul. We "docked" on an islet type of place where we were to plant our seedlings. I felt like we were on an isolated, abandoned island! Some drew the Pascual logo on the brand while waiting for the rest of the seedlings to arrive. We waded in calf-deep water and some even took a half-body dip. It was a short activity, lasting about two hours long, but it was a different experience. There was a lull in the activity as we waited for the rest of the seedlings to be transported but I guess it was a blessing in disguise because we used the time to listen to Pao's stories and ask him more questions. What we learned from him and Kim:

1. As we dug holes in the sand, we would come across product packages and even picked up a Starbucks cup! These items are not available in rural Brgy. Papaya (mostly fields around. No groceries, no establishments) and not consumed by the locals. Pao says that these are washed ashore all the way from Manila Bay. We think that what we do only affects us and the areas near to us, but it affects so much more! Learning this made me more conscious about how I conduct myself in my environment and how it might affect others.

2. Boracay water is toxic. Woe is me as Boracay is my absolute favorite place in the world! But since the Philippines, much less an island like Boracay, does not have an effective sewage filter system in place, everyone's island waste is dumped in the ocean. Imagine the volume of people in Boracay. Then their waste is just one ocean area. Kim says that the water has a high choleric toxicity level. Meaning the bacteria that carries cholera. (See, I always sound so stupid when talking about the environment. So many technical terms!)

3. Taking what I said in item 2, where we do not have an effective sewage filtration system, I was appalled to realize that all of the Philippines' waste just gets dumped into the ocean. That's alot of waste to burden our environment with!

4. There are small, yet impactful things we can do without having to spend any money. In fact, you can even save dough! In the office, keep your airconditioning at 24-25. Pao said, "Let me guess. Alot of you wear jackets in the office, right?" And we were like, "Yessss!". Which means, we're using alot of unnecessary power by having the temperature so low when we end up wearing jackets anyway. (If our department had it our way, we would not have aircon on at all, or just keep it at a higher temp. We're very lamigin.)

Planting mangroves

Overall, it was a fun learning experience. It did not feel like work at all and I love being a little bit more environment-savvy. :) WWF is holding an auction and one of the cool packages is a chance to swim with the butandings. Here's the clincher. While most tourists go butanding sightseeing, you get to experience it the WWF way, which means you get to tag the butandings.

Go Pascual!

A Love Letter to my favorite Gremlin

2011-12-07T20:39:00.001+08:00

Tonight, I'm a workie wart. That's someone who can't stop worrying about work. So... I think that to disconnect from work, the best thing to do is write another love letter. This time to my curly-haired rascal, Max.

Dear Max,

You were so unexpected. I remember your first Mommy, R., telling me that her little brother, your real owner, was allergic to you so they were sending you off to Baguio to live with your maternal grandmother. I said (half joking, half serious), "I'll take him". She takes a moment to reply, and then says, "Mom says okay!". And voila. The rest of my life has changed. I took you home in a cab, lugging you around in your heavy cage. You had pooped in the car ride on the way from Mommy R's house in far-flung South, so I had to first clean your cage before hailing a cab. I guess that was an indication of what kind of adventure we were going to have together - that you were going to do funnily naughty things at the most insane times. I went straight to the vet and had all of your hair shaven off.

For the nth time...I'm not a pug!

I had to admit, I was pretty appalled at your pug-ish appearance. Even Tita C. and Tito B. had this look of horror that they were unsuccessfully trying to mask. I remember you were not very used to human touch, I think, because when anyone tried to touch you, you would flinch. You were so jumpy. Or maybe you were unsettled in your new home. Now I can pin you down, wrestle with you, bite you in gigil-ness and squeeze you so hard because "you're so fluffy I could die!" and you won't even bat an eyelash.

Lez rock n' roll!

I have to admit, when you started showing your quirkiness, I started neglecting your Kuya Pogo. Pogo would beg for my attention but I only had eyes for you. I'd get mad at Pogo when he did something wrong but would rarely raise my voice when you became naughty. I played favorites.

Kuya Pogo on the left, Max on the right

But how could I not? By then, you had become the love of my life. When Dad (your Lolo) and I would have vicious fights, you would loyally take your stand by my foot and become uncharacteristically lambing. At my loneliest, you let my tears fall on your golden curls. I became so attached to you that I could not even sleepover my friend's house without bringing you. I loved the feeling of your weight on my lap while I drove. I could drive all the way to the farthest point of Pangasinan and you would be as still as a stuffed cuddly toy, warming my lap.

Max and Clyde squeeze onto my lap

But, it wasn't until I took you on your first beach trip that I discovered how deep your loyalty is to me. While Pogo and Clyde's doggie instincts were to swim towards shore, I would release you and you would paddle in whichever direction I was in. Even if that meant I was far, far away from shore. Whilst Pogo and Clyde would still continue to doggie paddle - you know, as a safety precaution - even after I've taken them into my arms, you would regain all calmness as soon as I scooped you up.

"Hey Clyde, what's under the bed?"

When I went through a terribly devastating break-up, you were my safe haven. Thank you Max, for bringing so much joy in my life. Thank you for making singa on my face every morning, for waiting outside the door, refusing to come into the room when I stay out late, for taking up so much space on the bed that you have more space than Tita C. Thank you for always pointing your butt towards my face whenever you felt the need to fart. Thank you for waiting until AFTER I take shower to poop. So that I can pick up your crap when I'm already spanking clean instead of when I'm still dugyot. You do soooo many crazy things that it's going to be so hard to one-up you.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

How can anyone resist this wacky face?!

Now please stop humping my leg.

Love, Mom.

A Love Letter

2011-12-06T21:43:00.004+08:00

Before and After. Does he even resemble his old self?

I often watch my bunso Clyde, in wonder and amazement. Just like Max, he came to me unexpectedly. I was starting to grow more and more guilty about leaving Max all by his lonesome and started considering getting him a companion. So one day, I browsed through the net for affordable Shih Tzus and came across Clyde's ad.

Can you spot which one is Clyde?

Of course, I scouted around with a friend, going to Cartimar and even setting my sights on a cute little Shih Tzu. I was debating whether to get him or Clyde, who was scrawny and nearing one year of life with the burden of an hernia. Clyde had several points going for him. One, I like getting dogs that are a bit older (as compared to the usual 3-month old pup). Second, I like underdogs (pardon the pun). Pogo, my first pup, didn't even remotely look like a Shih Tzu, but he turned out to be Mr. Boy Wonder. Max had big bulging eyes that looked like they were about to pop out and uncharacteristically curly hair, but he's the love of my life. Clyde, when I met him, looked like a drowned rat and had not one ounce of cuteness to him.

Excited to be in his new home

But, as I drove him to the nearest vet to check how acute his hernia was, he sat on my lap, made singa on my face (just like Max does) and settled in. It was like Max had whispered to him through the doggie grapevine, "If you want my Mom to adopt you, you should sneeze in her face. It'll remind her of me".

After the doctor's visit, I took him back to his home where he lived with his sister and a bunch of birds and left him there for about a week more so that I could think about it. But you see, I just felt that he had already climbed into my heart and carved out a spot there. Today, as I watch him lapping up water from his water dispenser, I shudder to think what would happen if I'd decided to go with cute little pup from Cartimar. I can't imagine not having a son who resembles a cow and spreads his arms like wings when lifted up high (he's afraid of heights. I guess he learned this wing-spreading from his birdie friends). I can't imagine not seeing his soulful face that pouts into the classic "puppy-dog" look that always makes you want to snuggle and protect him from all things bad.

Clyde as captain of the canoe

I love everything about him. From the way he runs quickly underneath the bed to seek refuge from me or Max, or the way he swallows with a gulp when he thinks he's in trouble. I can't get enough of the days when he's in a pa-cute mood and poses for me when I have my phone camera in hand. I believe Clyde is heaven sent. Just like my adorable not-so-baby-boy Max. When I look at him, I can't stand to think where he would be if he were not with me right now. Would he be happy? Would he be out tied in some garage, cowering in the corner to seek shelter from the rain? I can't stand to think it.

Playtime with Kuya Max

I thank God that he's here safe with me and his Kuya Max. I think God for creatures like Max and Clyde, who love unconditionally and are incapable of judgement. They truly are man's best friend.

Totally Kalat, but that's okay. It's hump day

2011-11-30T22:06:00.002+08:00

It has been too long. I'm not exactly in the right mood to write tonight, but if I keep waiting for that, I may never write again.

Something's been bothering me lately. A lot of negative vibes swarming around and it's literally keeping me weighed down. Ironically, I used to be a source of negativity not too long ago. I complained about everything and anything. I even got in trouble for it when one of my rants went public. Since starting my job here at *** (who am I kidding? One look at my Facebook profile and you'll see where I work), it's like I've turned over a new leaf. I feel like a completely different person. More hardworking, more positive, more appreciative. And I know that it's God who used my current place of work as an instrument to a brand new, better me! But like I said, lately, I've been in the company of negativity. I never knew that it could be this depleting. It used to be that I was the one shooting off negative vibes so I never knew how much poison I was releasing.

Being in this position now, makes me want to stay positive. To appreciate the things in life that should be appreciated. At Monday Morning Prayer two weeks ago at work, our NSM shared a reflection on perseverance. At the beginning of this week, I was trying to shake off negative vibes. My forehead was knotted into a frown, and I was trying to figure out how to get around this stumbling block, when I recalled Sir R's sharing. You see, I can be like a horse with blinders (my officemates already said I LOOK like a horse. Buti nalang I'm coboy like that). I rarely get the bigger perspective right away. This time, it hit me that things are not black and white. Things can't always be perfect. I don't know why, at 30, I still expect them to be and get shocked out of my shoes when things don't go so smoothly or when I run into kinks. But what you gotta do is face it head-on. Strive, push, forge ahead until you hurdle that obstacle.

It's not going to be easy. It may even be a struggle. But life is like that, as cliche as it may sound. This is a really kalat post, I know. I'm not even gonna try to fix it. But i'm ending in on another note, not exactly related to the one I was just talking about. I'm going to try and be positive. Now that I've experienced how draining it is to be around nega people, I don't want to continue spreading my poison.

Today I ate for me and half of another person. That's how good Pino food is

2011-10-08T21:45:00.003+08:00

It’s about time I banished the lazy bug and get at least one blog entry in. I’ve tried many things in the past few weeks that I really love, but nothing super enthusiastic about that it’d beaten the tamad syndrome and make me write. Today, I remember two things I’ve really grown addicted to and 2 wonderful things that I’ve discovered. I’ll talk about one in this post and then do the other 3 later on, if the lazy bug doesn’t bite. Also, I’ve been inspired by M, who has recently added a bunch of entries to her blog. Her writing style got me wanting to touch pen to paper again.

**Disclaimer - Since I’m not a camera owner and I don’t have a Bb 9780 to capture the beauty of the things I love, I’ll have to settle for grabbing images off the net.

Let’s talk about Pipino. I have really been craving Pipino (the restaurant) since last week. As a post-birthday celeb for C, we hit the road for a late lunch at Malingap street. Okay, I was a little bit confused because there’s Resto Pino Bar and there’s Pipino Vegetarian Food by Pino. Finally, today, I realize, that the place that I normally eat at, on the ground floor of Malingap Street in Teachers’ Village is Resto Pino Bar, which is one part of the Brgy. Bagnet food group. The vegetarian arm is called Pipino Vegetarian Food by Pino, which is located on the second floor.

Now that that is out of the way, let’s get down to business. Sissy and I ordered three entrees (I know. Shame on us.)

The one vegetarian dish we got, the Mushroom Salpicao (I can’t remember the exact name) is a favorite. My best friend once went on a South Beach diet and I totally devoured her tomato cup lunch. This version has brown rice sitting inside a raw red tomato, with a mandarin orange slice on top. Three tomatoes and 2-3 spoonfuls of salpicao-ed mushroom spell heaven. The gentle taste of sweet brown rice and fresh tomatoes, coupled with the salty sauciness of the mushrooms made for a delightful experience for my tastebuds.

Mushroom Salpicao

Photo courtesy of March 2011 issue of Appetite magazinehttp://pinopinopino.multiply.com/photos/photo/72/5

The Kare Kare Bagnet, I’ve tasted before with M and C and I loved it even more the second time around. The richness of the peanut butter sauce mixed with the crispiness of bagnet caused an explosion in my mouth. To keep the flavor from getting too overwhelming, a forkful of brown rice did the trick.

Kare Kareng Bagnet

Photo courtesy of http://pinopinopino.multiply.com/photos/photo/85/8

I’ve also tried the Gambas and Aligue Pasta with M and C before, but that didn’t stop me from ordering it again. Luckily, the Sissy’s eyes bulged with excitement when she saw the photo on the menu. (She seconded the motion for the Kare Kare Bagnet as well). Now, before trying this dish, I’ve come to have low expectations for any aligue-based concoctions in restaurants. Because aligue is a little pricey, most restaurants tend to scrimp on the paste. Not here. The pasta is thick and creamy and full-on aligue. Even the gambas bits were ample and not at all bitin.

Gambas and Aligue Pasta

Photo courtesy of http://pinopinopino.multiply.com/photos/album/37/Pino_Fun_Family_Food#photo=5

After three full entrees for only two people, Sissy declared her stomach’s surrender. I pouted inwardly and asked if she didn’t want to try the dessert. She relented to take-out, but changed her mind and decided to have a bite or two dine-in. It was halfway through the moist, melts-in-your-mouth Choco Tablea Cheesecake when she onced again waved the white flag but ordered a second set for take out. For real this time. I could practically see her eyes rolling to the back of her head in satisfaction.

Choco Tablea Cheesecake

Photo courtesy of http://pinopinopino.multiply.com/photos/photo/63/10

We left with our stomachs clapping and cheering in glee. I vow to return and taste all the dishes. Oh poor diet. Rejected once again.

Pipino Vegetarian by Pino

Resto Pino Bar

39 Malingap Street, Teachers Village

Quezon City, Philippines

Port 88 Shopping Craze!

2011-09-19T10:14:00.007+08:00

I need to catch up on my blogs. There’s so much I want to share. Last week, I planned to hit the Port 88 Bazaar in MegaTent for one reason: Posh Pocket Shoes. I’ve been pining for their kicks since I fitted my bbf’s purchase.

Unfortunately, it was not to be. The styles I want were not available in my size. And even when I hightailed it to the Posh Pocket Shoes booth in Port 88 as soon as I got there (albeit mildly getting distracted by Fino and Sanuk), they still didn’t have my size. But I’m still super thankful to PPS because if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have known about the bazaar, which completely blew my mind (and my savings).

I’m not big on bazaars because the last one I went to was devoid of good finds. So on Saturday, after beelining it to PPS and not finding anything, L and I started over and strategically combed the place. I loved that the Bazaar had a mix of small online business community and branded wares. First. Fino was there. I love Fino because I initially thought they were Italian, but discovered that they’re homegrown. Even in the malls, I’m able to come away with a few license or card holders as Christmas gifts. But the price cutback was huge at Port 88. A passport holder sold at about 500. Some wallets at 800. Then, there was Giordano At the mall, I felt that their clothes were to simple for the price they were sold at. So, when I found that their polos sell for P350, I bought a black and a white one. I’ve been looking for basic polos to wear with slacks at the office, or paired with shorts for a day with friends.

I was also loving “T” and “Charles and Keith”, with steps selling at 500 to 999, but didn’t find anything I liked. I loved that they were there nonetheless. Bagged two tickers for my dad and tito ben from Rudy Project at 1500 each. Kept going back to check out pretty sturdy-looking bags at Bags in the City Manila and bought two of their offerings. Then, L and I had to hightail it outta there to keep our 1pm hair appointment at Bench Fix in Galleria, but couldn’t help but go back on Sunday because the Khao Shong Espresso was haunting my dreams. L was itching to buy surf-inspired Sanuks.

That’s when we discovered Kangol hats for P500 each and Benetton overruns for 300. It came with a free shirt. Stupid me, I was so crazy-eyed over shopping that I forgot to take pictures.

Let me talk about the Khao Shong coffee.

I’ve been spending a lot on Starbucks lately because I’ve been needing a stronger caffeine fix. I feel that 3-in-1s have very low caffeine content and I can snooze right off even after a coupla cups, but this rare find at the Port 88 bazaar really does the trick! I initially tried Cappuccino, which I loved, but was won over by Espresso after the second cup. They’ll be gracing the supermarkets soon, so watch out for them. Imported into the country by Honest Ventures Corporation.

Lust List

2011-09-08T16:12:00.003+08:00

I'm a big admirer of other people's stuff. So I think I'll start a lust list. Even if I don't get to buy these things, being able to look at them and admire them will somehow satiate my unhealthy craving for material (but very beautiful) things.

Loving Isa Litton's outfit (and gams)

Fab kicks spotted at a symposium

Three parties in one day - my most celebrated birthday ever

2011-08-12T19:53:00.009+08:00

On my actual birthday, I was woken up by knocking on the door. Disoriented, I found thirty roses for thirty years from a special person.

Then, was late for work because of my styoopid allergies. As in 7 minutes late so that’s counted as half day deduction. Boo.

BUT, for lunch, I had a late lunch (and 2^nd lunch for others) with my officemates.

We spent the whole hour laughing and busting our gut. Thanks in part to our Jonut mascot, Rey. Here we are doubled over in laughter:

Family picture minus Mia, who we missed very much. She’s in a meeting with one of my many future husbands. J

(may cartoon character sa upper left corner)

My boss, Chiko! Who gave me this:

Suuuweet!

Then it was off to another celebration with friends very dear to me - Len and Cammi, my lifesaver!

Me and Cammi. I look like her mother.

Me and Len.

We ate at Ramen Bar. I've been wanting to try this place for a long time and so I'm disappointed to report that the ramen was not good. I know it's not a proper comparison, but I so prefer Pho Hoa.

Grease-balls. My soup

Len's soup, which was better. Seafood ramen.

Cammi's ramen. I don't know how it tastes like.

Cammi's gift for me was a birthday cake - my second birthday cake for the day.

This was from Mary Grace. Yumm!

After Cammi, left, Len and I treated ourselves to my favorite milk tea place - Happy Lemon!

As usual, for a roots person like me, it's Milk Tea with Pearls.

Then, pedicure! Because my toenails were atrocious! I forgot the name of this place but the scent of the place was so soothing. And Ate was a very good massager and pedicurer.

Then, to wrap up this awesome day, we ended it with some Saltik company:

I tell ya. This has been the most eventful, yet simplest birthday ever. I loved that something was going on every section of the day with people who are special to me.

Bad Breath Birthday

2011-08-11T18:14:00.004+08:00

(l-r) Daddy-o, Cara, me and Poch, who rarely ever smiles in photos.

I love bagoong. I love it so much that I can make it papak. So, it was just right that for my birthday dinner with the fambam, I'd pick Bagoong Club on Scout Lascano.

Now I've eaten here about four times before and I always love their Bagoong Sampler. Clockwise from one o'clock: regular bagoong (my favorite), aligue bagoong (my second favorite), pesto bagoong and gata bagoong. Of course, those are not their real names, but you get my drift. My favorite is the bagoong that comes as complimentary appetizers. And bottomless singkamas - or to please Acky, TURNIP! I think everytime I'm there they get lugi because of my singkamas consumption.

So we had kare-kare (Poch's choice), which was very malapot, you can barely see the ulam. It was good but too peanut-y for my tastebuds. The pusit was one of my favorites! It was kind of like pusit ensalada. I love ensalada so I really nom'ed this up.

My favorite of all time was the sinigang na pinalapot sa gabi (Cara's choice). This was so delicious that I just drank the soup. I didn't even touch the meat, I so wanted the flavor of the soup to be pure in my mouth. I've never loved sinigang as much as I loved this one, and that's huge, because I'm such a big sinigang fan that as long as the taste resembles sinigang, okay na sa akin. Bagoong Club's sinigang is just the right touch of sour with that twist of sweet that leaves you craving for more.

My favorite dessert of all time is also a Bagoong Club special. I didn't get a good photo, I was so eager to gobble it down. It's the pastillas de leche cheesecake. So rich and creamy that I felt like I was in heaven. It's such a best-seller that I had to reserve two orders when I made table reservations.

Sigh. How hard it is to diet when there's so much good food to go around.

Happy Arf-day To Me!

2011-08-10T17:34:00.003+08:00

Saturday, August 6, 2011 was spent with my boys, Max and Clyde. Simple day spent getting Clyde groomed and going around Tiendesitas.

The most laid-back of my 5-day birthday celebration. Hence, the very brief blog entry.

Making pa-cute at home so that I won't get him groomed. He likes being fluffy. Idol nya si Justin Bieber.

Getting groomed. Check-out his mohawk. I totally love this shop in Tiendesitas, the Purple Groom. Very friendly staff and the price is more affordable than others.

My bunso Clyde was sooooo exhausted that he just plopped down, regardless of spacing. Look how cute he is with his butt sticking up in the air.

Tired babies:

A Saltik Birthday

2011-08-08T12:18:00.007+08:00

Okay, I spoke to soon. After my birthday dinner with Ro, the next time kind of took a turn for the worst and resulted in me shedding buckets of tears.

That's alright. It righted itself soon after. I've been wanting to get my Taft friends to hang out with me on Katipunan because the memories I have of Katipunan need to be updated.

I kept teasing Eyjay and Mhie na nakaabang na ang mga bubugbog sakanila. Haha.

I know how much trouble these friends went to be with me on my birthday and let me do what I wanted. My place of celebration was far from where they were and they were stuck in the chaos of a rainy Friday night and a broken MRT. Yet, they still pushed on. That means a lot to me because one, one of them is a total brat and I kind of expected her to bail out last minute. But she didn't. She loves me that much. (Peace Mhie! haha) And I love her for that. And I love Jay for staying up with us during their inuman (they drank I didn't), even after a very hard day at work and a long, early day the following morning.

I loved that Cricket withstood her twisting tummyache and that Eyjay made lagare from Ortigas to QC to Ortigas just so that Phepper and TJ could join us. And of course, I'm totally grateful to Len for braving hunger, traffic and the rain (plus my temper tantrum). I've got the best friends ever! (Leading the pack is my best bud Ro).

Here's to the Saltik Crew, who all scored 99s on the videoke machine (Oh, except for Mhie, who scored a zero at one point).

Haha. I also loved all the videos they sent me! I'm still waiting for yours, Cricket. Can't wait for next week! It's gonna be a wild one (in a rated G way).

Goodbye sumpa sa birthday

2011-08-05T17:47:00.005+08:00

05 August 2011

When I think about the first day of my 5-day birthday celebration, the first thing that comes to mind is this:

This is what I loved most about my first birthday dinner. My best friend Ro treated me to a dinner at Sambokojin where my beach diet was totally annihilated. I haven't eaten at a buffet in a long time so I totally enjoyed the beef. Of course, I love raw fish so I gobbled down the sashimi and maki in an instant.

But what really got my vote were the:

1. Shrimps! Cooked to perfection.

2. Chap chae. Sweet and an instant umay-buster.

3. The friendly and helpful waiters. I felt like a princess!

I discovered something. I'm on a no-rice diet, but that's hard to follow when you go home and the viands are limited. So at Sambokojin, I took full advantage of the endless supply of "ulam" and did without the rice. And I realized that I liked food better without rice because you can totally savor the flavor of the "ulam". Rice tends to dilute the flavor. In some cases, though, that's a good thing.

So that's the first night of my birthday celebration. A thought on the topic of my birthday. It's the first time in a long time that I'm not dreading my birthday and actually made plans to celebrate it. I'm happy that my perspective on that has changed.

Tonight, dinner with the Saltiks. It's going to be a crazy one! Can't wait!

Anong masama sa malas?

2011-07-26T17:54:00.005+08:00

Disclaimer: This entry may cause some violent reactions.

24 July 2011

I like today's sermon. What I'm about to write is just a small piece of a bigger picture. A segment or "bullet point". A part of the message is about mixing two schools of thought. The image that appears on the white screen is:

WORLD + WORD

You know how some people say "Wala namang mawawala kapag..." or "Wala namang mangyayaring masama kapag sinunod ko..." in relation to following superstitions, chain letters, horoscopes, etc.

Well, you know, you DO lose something. It DOES have a negative effect. What happens when we rely on these earthly, manmade superstitions is that we don't put all of our faith in God.

Aminin mo. Hindi ba when you give in to these superstitions it's because "naninigurado" ka na hindi nga "mamamatay" ang loved one mo or hindi ka "mamalasin"? Bakit mo kailangan manigurado? Wala ka bang tiwala sa Diyos? When you follow superstitions, you're putting your faith on a letter, a piece of paper, a forwarded text. Whatever it is, you're putting your faith on something that is NOT God. And that can be very damaging. It damages your relationship with God, it damages your faith. Superstitions and your succumbance to it creates fear in your heart, and fear is never from the Lord. It creates lies in your head.

Maybe for some, following superstitions have been more of second nature, something in which not much thought has been put. So this is a little something you can think about and ponder on and see if you agree or disagree. Then let me know what you think.

I'm lovin'....

2011-07-08T09:54:00.003+08:00

It’s time to count our blessings!

Encountering a little something stressful so early in the morning so good to counter it with something positive.

I’m loving several things these days. One of which is (ahem, ahem, shameless plug) Immuvit. Okay, so the past few years, I’ve been feeling lethargic, no energy, always tired, even if I get enough hours sleep. I didn’t quite know why it was that way, figured that I’d probably just chalk it up to laziness. Then, when I started my new job and had to research about Immuvit, I discovered that when we hit the somatopause stage, which is the 30s and up, we start to really feel our age. Now, I guess I’ve had an early case of this, since I’ve been feeling tired since my mid 20’s, but all of a sudden, I realized that maybe I’m lethargic because of my age. So I thought I’d try Immuvit, which has the powerful ingredients of Siberian and Korean ginseng packed with CoQ10. Basically, it helps beat the signs of aging and helps you be able to cruise your hectic schedule and activity-filled day. Okay, so I try it, and lemme tell you, it is awesome! I don’t feel tired anymore, my body doesn’t feel so heavy and I’m more, well, ALIVE! Ask my officemates. I’ll even have bursts of hyperness throughout the day. I mean, I really sensed a change in my wellness. My friend, E., tried it before me and she actually was the extra push that made me try Immuvit. She told me that her back didn’t hurt as much and her nape wasn’t heavy. She felt lighter everyday and wasn’t so tired.

Next up, this awesome lip balm I found online. Now, I’m really really picky with lip balm. It’s one thing I can’t live without and the only brand that’s worked for me in the past is Chapstick. Then I discovered Carmex which was just heavenly. Then one day about two months ago, I got it into my head that I want something cinnamon-y, ala Altoids or Starbucks Cinnamon mints. I lov e Cinnamon and thought it’d be awesome to be able to smell the scent every hour of the day. It totally relaxes me. So I googled it and found Red Hots (as in the candy in the U.S.) in Cinnamon. As with flavored balms, there’s always a risk that you’ll get something that tastes like wax, but I took the chance anyway and am now waiting for my second tube as back up! (Note to everyone: if there’s something you absolutely love, make sure to get a back-up because it’ll most likely get discontinued unless it’s something as common as Chapstick). This lippie is so awesome because it stays on the whole day and keeps your lips completely moisturized. Some balms, like Nivea or Smackers, dries up right away and I find that it dries up my lip more than it moisturizes. Plus, it's got grains of Cinnamon which exfoliates your smackers. At the end of the day, your lips are so smooth! Red Hots Cinnamon is by Lotta Luv from New York

Staying fit was so easy when you were liable. When I was in college and still played basketball, I was accountable to my teammates and to my school to religiously attend practice. Now that there are no people to let down but myself, it’s been hard to keep getting up at 6 in the morning to run. Or to dress up to go to U.P for a jog. So I’m thankful that I discovered MTV’s Power Yoga and Pilates.

Now, I can get fit without having to get dressed, worry about manyaks whistling at me, or cars running me down. And I don’t have to feel guilty that I’m leaving my dogs behind and wasting time that I could spend with them. Now they just watch me and bark at me while I do Pilates or Yoga. Can’t wait to try “Insanity”, given to me by my friend V.R.

That’s it for new. New things in my life that I love. And of course, my new job. J Tell you more about that some other time.

How about you? What’s keeping you happy these days?

Why, God? Why?!

2011-07-05T21:48:00.003+08:00

I wanted to go to bed early tonight but, I read something I was compelled to write about:

Jeremiah 9:7 Thereofre this is what the Lord Almighty says: “See, I will refine and test them, for what else can I do because of the sin of my people?”

This pertains to “Egypt, Judah, Edom, Ammon, Moab and all who live in the desert in distant places”. Those who were “circumcised only in the flesh”.

People who are angry and are going through hardship often ask, “If your God is such a powerful God, then why does He let bad things happen?”

And you know what, I think, based on the Scripture I just read, it’s not that He lets bad things happen. It’s that we have free will and we are very hardheaded. If you read back a few verses prior to the aforementioned, God has been blessing His people over and over again, giving them second chances, because He is a God who likes to exercise kindness, justice and righteousness. But we humans are just so darned hardheaded and we keep on insisting on doing things our way. And you know, since we have free will and all, if we insist on going down a path that God has told us repeatedly to stay away from, then, we eventually head straight for disaster.

I can relate to this because I’ve made the same mistake in my career over and over again. God gave me about three huge opportunities and I kept making the same mistake. So he kept refining and testing me, until finally, I got it right. Today, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. In an ideal work environment, with the perfect load, and the room to grow and learn.

Let’s take something that maybe more people can relate to. Let’s talk about global warming and all the disasters that are happening because of it. I don’t believe that God brought on all these terrible disasters to wreak havoc and cause despair and anguish over those who were affected. But we’ve received more than a few warnings about how we need to treat our Earth. Many of us ignored the call to become better inhabitants of this planet, until we’ve disobeyed to a point of no return. We’ve damaged our planet so much that we’re finally (and lethally) feeling the effects. God didn’t want us to suffer. But we were so stubborn, selfish and stupid (for using our free will irresponsibly) that it’s come back to bite us in the a**.

So in a nutshell, I just felt compelled to write what I took away from Jeremiah 9 tonight. God doesn’t spite us, or punish us happily. We suffer at our own doing. We use our free will unwisely, and precisely because we have that – free will – we suffer the consequences. And let’s face it. If these bad things don’t ever happen, will we ever learn? We certainly won’t. After all, we only start to repent when we’ve suffered a debilitating blow.

Your thoughts?

How I'm going to start my family

2011-07-04T18:07:00.003+08:00

People who know me know that I don’t want to have kids. It’s not that I don’t like kids – I do. It’s just that my father’s side is known to be riddled with the depressive gene, and having that myself, I don’t want to pass it on to my kids. I don’t want my kids to have to live through what I have. I know, many of you will say, “at least give them a chance to have that choice”. But, let’s not go there. It’s too complicated a topic to get into right now. Let me just say what I need to say.

Yesterday, my good friend C belatedly celebrated her birthday at CRIBS Foundation. It was my first time there although I’ve heard about CRIBS before. So the program started with games from McDonald’s. I was just thinking to take some pictures when C tells me that we aren’t allowed to take any because the children were all abused. With my jaw hanging open at this bit of revelation, I continue to watch the kids participate in the games, huge grins on their faces, and to my horror, my eyes begin to water. The fact hits me. These kids suffered so much and yet, they brighten up the whole place and filled it with joy and laughter. It’s unbelievable how resilient these kids are. When hiphop music was played, the teenage girls just danced the afternoon away. They were really good too, and the PR person in me started thinking if I could somehow get them on Showtime. But then, I remembered that they aren’t allowed to be paraded in public due to safety reasons. I heard that a professional dancer comes to teach the girls. I said a silent prayer for whoever that blessed soul is. He/she definitely showed these kids happiness.

I then find my way to the infant nook and see all these adorable babies gurgling and cooing. There was even a newborn in there, and I longed to hold these innocent angels. I also wanted to curse the mothers for abandoning their gifts from God. And all of a sudden, a dream started to grow inside me. I want to be a foster parent. One day, I’m going to save up enough money so that I can start financing these kids. See, I don’t want to have kids of my own because I don’t think I can bear the heartache (and the headache) of raising kids forever. And with kids, you don’t stop raising them once they become adults. You’re parents to the grave. People always tell me that it’s unfair for me not to nurture a little human person. To deprive a child-that-is-not-yet, a chance to live. So, spending that day in Cribs, I found my solution. Why not give an existing child – one that is unloved and unwanted – the chance to have a better life? It’s perfect! I think I’ll be a better parent anyway concentrating for a short period of time (the normal time for kids to stay at fosters are about 2-3 years). That’s one thing to look forward to in the long-term.

In the meantime, I want to have my birthday party at Cribs. The teenage girls were granted more time to dance to music because they said they haven’t been able to do that in a long time. They’re only able to dance their hearts out when they have parties - and they haven’t had one in some time. So I want to bring them that joy on my birthday. And to have my friends experience the kind of warmth and love that envelops that place. And on Sundays, I want to go and cuddle the babies and give them some maternal loving. Come join me!

Don’t have the time to volunteer? That’s okay! Donate some money, or old clothes! Or, include them in your weekly/monthly grocery shopping.

For more info on how to donate or volunteer, click on http://www.cribsfoundation.org/

New Aluminum Roof for Josie and Dina!

2011-05-09T21:07:00.003+08:00

My heart is bursting with joy. Josie came down to tell me that her dad called, sobbing on the phone. They've received the money and is sooooo thankful. Makakatulog na daw sila. Josie's sister-in-law was also crying. With a newborn in the house, I can imagine how scared she was that the baby might get sick because exposed sya sa elements. Josie said that it was a good thing that the family was able to descend from the first floor agad, right before the nipa roof caved in. Some of their neighbors got hurt nung mabagsakan ng bubong.

Josie said that her dad said babawi nalang daw sya sa akin. Sabi ko, hindi na kailangan bumawi. To be honest, one of the major reasons why I love this family is because they love Clyde and Max so much. That and they're the kind of people we help at Habitat. Those who work hard so that they can have a better future. Hindi yung asa nalang ng asa sa iba. And unlike other helpers, when Josie and Dina take the day or the week or two weeks off, like Dina is doing now, they come back when they say they will. Sanay kasi ako na ibang help, two to three days late ang uwi na wala man lang pasabi. They keep you guessing, ba. Anyway, I digress. So part of the reason I like helping them out is because they know how to help themselves. They have great values, work hard, and are determined to have a better life. In a country where the impoverished keep spitting out kids like there's no tomorrow, Dina once told me that having Andre is enough because she wants her kid/s to have a good life. If she has too many or they don't practice family planning, they will suffer the same plight as she and her siblings do now.

So, Josie tells me on her way out the door, "Sa wakas. Makakatulog na din ako ng mahimbing ngayon gabi". Like Dina, they were wrought with worry about their family. Nipa is scarce to find now since the bagyo ruined the supply, so Democrito's going to buy yero for their house. I'm happy because this will give them sturdier shelter. After years of having leaves over their heads, they're finally going to have something stronger. Their kamote crop was ruined too, but aside from that, they are safe.

I know this entry sounds like I'm bragging about the good work that I did. I guess I'm just really proud that even if I'm short on cash, I was still able to help people I love. That, and I really want to encourage others to show acts of kindness to the people around them, especially to our less fortunate brothers and sisters. I guess with this entry, I just wanted to show an example of how a little goes a long way. Many of us, many of my peers and friends on Facebook are not uber rich, but compared to these people, we are so blessed. The little things we don't value, like old shirts or shoes, 100 pesos, 200 pesos, mean so much to them. Let's try to put things into perspective so that we can give what we can to those in need. Minsan, the things we take for granted, can make their entire world.

I love our household help, do you love yours?

2011-05-09T17:20:00.004+08:00

(photos taken by me for Habitat for Humanity Philippines)

I used to work for Habitat for Humanity Philippines, and I knew how it was like for the beneficiaries to live an impoverished life and have compassionate people give you a hand up, since I was in charge of interviewing them for success stories.

This past weekend, Typhoon Bebeng hit our country, moreso in the Visayas region. I was gone all day, spending time with friends, so it wasn’t till nighttime that I found out the bad news. Our household help, Josie, casually told me that her grandfather died during the storm. The wind blew him over and knocked him out. He hit his head on something hard and died. Then, she proceeded to share that her family’s house in Samar was ravaged by the typhoon. Their roof was blown away and the whole family, including her sister-in-law, who just gave birth recently, had to endure the torrential rain and gusting wind with only a tarpaulin on one section of the house for shelter from the elements.

A few months ago, Josie and Dina (our other help, who is Josie’s big sister) had their siblings and parents stay with us. Her mother had to undergo an operation in PGH. I was in the middle of shooting a video and holding pictorials for our celebrity ambassadors then, and needed extra hands, so I took Dina and her dad, Democrito, with me. They got to meet Igan and Kuya Kim. The smiles on their faces were priceless. In fact, I learned later on that the photo with Kuya Kim helped mend a rift between Democrito and his brother. So safe to say, even if I don’t know Josie and Dina’s parents well, they’re close to my heart. Dina has a little boy named Andre who is being brought up very well. He opens the gate for me with a firm salute, even if he’s just three. He runs to the front door so that he gets there before I do and opens it for me like a gentleman. Demboy (Josie and Dina’s brother) also lives with us and cuddles Clyde and Max when they’re afraid of the storm. He bought my cousin Niskee’s dog, Jenny, a pink Hello Kitty for Christmas and left a note that said “Merry Christmas Jinny. Love, Tito Demboy”. Needless to say, these people have grown to be a part of my family.

Dina's son, Andre

I’m currently on vacation, so I don’t have much funds, but I couldn’t stand knowing that Dina and Josie, who have given up Christmas, their birthdays, and basically their entire lives, to be at our beck and call, could not give aid to their families. Josie told me she’d have to save up several months to help her family put up a new roof. When I asked her how much it would cost, she said P2,000. I was surprised that it would take her a few months to save an amount that you or I would normally spend on clothes, bags, perfume, shoes or a beach trip. So I asked some people if I could borrow money and was able to come up with the cash. The relief on their faces was priceless. Dina, who is somewhere out in the ocean with her husband Rey (who also works for us), her son Andre and Rey’s sister Michelle (who used to work for us) said that she was so restless yesterday. On top of being stranded in the middle of nowhere on the way to Leyte, she was worried about her family.

I felt sooooo happy to be able to help them. The moment I heard about their plight, I started having flashbacks of the people I interviewed before, when I was with Habitat. How the people in Bicol, Kalinga, Manila, Pangasinan and other typhoon-stricken areas were so frightened and helpless. With just a couple of thousand bucks, what I would normally spend on a weekend having fun, I was able to help a family significantly. This is the part I miss most about Habitat. I miss being able to actively help families who are victims of disaster. By reaching out to Josie and Dina, I felt that I was able to do something good for a change. I think Habitat has active programs in Disaster Response now. I encourage you to check out their website: www.habitat.org.ph or visit their Facebook site and find out how you can help people in our country. A country that seems to be a favorite “stop-over” for typhoons. Believe me, it’s a wonderful, wonderful feeling to be able to help. And while you’re at it, ask your house help regarding their family’s situation in the province. Maybe there’s something you can do for them, too.

2011-04-26T19:30:00.004+08:00

I'm having a heart attack. Almost literally. My Internet is so fast that it's real-time! By this I mean, when I click on a link, the page appears immediately! I'm so elated that I don't know which page I want to click on first! We've had slow-as-dial-up Internet for as long as I remember, even though we're on PLDT DSL. We pay monthly fees for nothing. Buti pa PLDT, kumikita ng walang effort. The rest of us have to kayod, kayod, kayod for our daily wages. It's gotten so bad that I've started listing pages I've wanted to view in my head and then going over to an Internet shop just to see them. To test the speed, I opened www.chuvaness.com, and it opened in 5 seconds! Usually, it'll take about 10 minutes to get the page to load. PLUS, the photos on her page usually don't come out at all. This time, I was able to view it right away! Which was great because the BB contest finalists came out. And not so great because I'm not one of them. :(

So anyway, let's speed test this mudrapadre and see how fast this baby is. (SmartBro)

I know for many, this is slow, but that's how non-existent our Internet is that this is heaven compared. I can't SpeedTest PLDTDSL because as usual, there's no Internet.

PLDT DSL, close up shop! SmartBro, you rock! Yes, I know they're from the same mother company. And now that Smart has partly acquired Sun, which has the best broadband EVER, maybe it's time for PLDT DSL to retire.

My Happy Pill: Circa 1996

2011-04-07T23:37:00.010+08:00

Once in awhile, when life is particularly difficult, I think of a time in my life when the world was so beautiful. In 1996, I was a sophomore at Cerritos High School in Cerritos, California. I was a runner in the Cerritos Cross Country team, and life was just so colorful. I was in the perfect place. I was in a school I loved and fit in, friends who were real and still are friends to this day, a tight-knit group I belonged to (my Cross Country team), and a sport I was so passionate about. I had a loving mom, an adorable brother, a dog I was crazy about. (Sorry to say my sister wasn’t really a big player in my life then, but that’s okay because I love her dearly now – enough to make up for all those years of sibling rivalry).

I was giddy, in love, and simply loved life. Ironically, this was also the year that my mom was terminally ill. But despite that, I still found ways to find beauty in life. In all of my 29 years, this year would still continue to carry me through all the rough patches. Back then, life was simple. We didn’t have much money, I had a strict mother, so I couldn’t go out much, but my sport, my friends, and a boy that I loved and at the same time, was my best friend.

Every day, I looked forward to my classes (school was fun in the U.S. Here, it was really blah), followed by rigorous training. We’d run miles and miles after school and the feeling of exhilaration after a good, long, run is simply indescribable. I got to spend time with my closest running buddy Liz and all our other teammates. I loved every single moment of that period of my life, even down to waiting for Coach Dave to come out and whip us into shape. After practice, I’d go home, do some homework, usually talk to Aruni, Liz, Jason, Jennifer or Brandon. Sometimes Allison, sometimes Marie. I’d spend the rest of the evening writing notes to those I just mentioned. Brandon would rarely write back (haha). If he did, it’d be after endless bugging. I’d sleep with the radio on and wake up excited to go to school to see the people I love.

Today, life isn’t as simple. And it definitely isn’t as beautiful. But I still feel very blessed that even if things go awry most of the time, there is that one time in my life that I keep sacred – in a special, secured box in my memory that I can pull out every once in a while and dig through. Then I’m reminded that if I had a blast once, I can have it again. Even if life keeps throwing me lemons, and Aruni, Liz, Jason, Brandon et al may be thousands of miles away, I still feel blessed. Because here and now, I still have those people, but now, I also have God, Ro, Max, Clyde, Mhie, Jay, Len, Donna, my antipatika but lovely sister, my makulit but loving Dad, my stubborn yet still lovable brother and the many other people in my life who remind me that I am loved and that life can still be beautiful.

Tell me, what makes your life amazing?

Who Would've Thought? Sprung on J.Biebs! Thought I'd die first before this happened.

2011-03-24T20:37:00.006+08:00

I had to wait for the right time to blog about this because I really need time to internalize and all. This is one of my last weeknights off. Last Sunday, I was given the chance to watch this:

Courtesy of Wave 89.1

Now, remember the song, "Baby"? Totally annoyed the freck out of me. I hated that Bieber kid. Didn't want anything to do with him. Hated hearing the song too. My Bieber wrath kept anyone from my old workplace from so much as humming "Baby". Then, he came out with "Someone to Love". Here's the thing with me and songs. I'll like...nay, LOVE! a song, but never be able to get the lyrics right, nor keep the title or the artist in mind. So I went and loved this song, then realized that it's a Bieber tune. So, I think, "Okay, so one song is good. He's still so emo with that god-awful hair, such an Aaron and Nick Carter (who I absolutely hate), he's such a plastic - something manufactured and packaged to a tee that you start to resent him. Kind of like a male Barbie doll". You think that everything about him is strategically crafted that it's sickening. But then, my sister plays "You Smile" round-the-clock at home, and I fall in love with it. I'm like, "I guess he's not so bad". Then, my sis starts tweeting about him and how she can't believe that she's becoming a "Belieber". And I inwardly laugh at her dorkiness. Then, I get those two VIP passes and my sis totally freaks out and little by little, I start to take interest.

Come movie day, opening credits start rolling, I look to my right and see tears streaming down my tough-a*s, suplada, sungit, taray, *itchy, heartless sister's face. As in, the girl whom my friends are afraid of. Friends who are atleast 3 years older than her. Crying. Over the Bieb. So I just watch along and then find myself pulling out my hanky. I'm crying too! As in, an almost-30 year old woman, sniffling, blubbering, over the Bieb. I'm that touched by Justin Bieber. He's so endearing, charming, heartwarming. He's the right amount of handsome, kindhearted, and pilyo (he loves roughhousing and pulling pranks. He's actually like a little, better looking Ashton Kutcher). I've also never italicized so many words in one entire entry, in my entire life. That's how much emotion I have for this Bieber kid. Soon, I find myself Googling and YouTubing videos of JB. (I'm also told a fellow former JB-hater bought tickets to his May Manila concert the day after she watched NSN3D. The movie is that powerful). So if it's a marketing ploy that they released this movie here at this time, two months prior to the concert, even if NSN3D has long aired in other countries, then I've gotta give it to them. They know exactly what they're doing. This is exactly what they need to do to pump up ticket sales for the concert.

Just look at those big, round, brown eyes

Okay, so here goes. A dozen reasons why I love Bieber. It might charm you, too:

1. His hair is not some emo-marketing ploy. He's had that bowl cut since who-knows-when. All the image guys did was shape it. Once you know that it's not deliberate and kind of something he grew up with, it's less annoying.

2. His new songs were probably written to gain a following (same ingredients to annoy many), but hear him sing "Ironic" by Alanis Morissette, "You Got It Bad" by Usher, and "So Sick" by Ne-Yo and you'll be a Belieber.

3. The kid has perfect pitch. For someone who has never had training. Some people, even on AI, you'll hear them sing and they can sing, albeit off-tune. JB just hits it right on the note.

4. His mom follows him wherever he goes, but never tries to snatch some limelight (unlike LiLo's or Britney's mom). She's always guiding Justin to be a better man.

5. On Oprah, he said that he ever told his mom, "You can't ground me, I'm Justin Bieber", she would slap him right on the face. Grounded. That's what he is.

6. His grandfather watches his concerts in a pair of shorts. So adorable.

7. Their house is still a humble little thing.

8. He still loves Spider Man.

9. His best friend, Ryan, travels with him ALL.THE.TIME. No fake hometown friends here. He's got the real thing.

10. So grounded and down-to-earth. Wait, did I already say that?

11. He's great with the little kids. He immediately goes up to them and hugs them.

12. He's got natural charm. You have to if you're gonna sing to Usher, stop in the middle of the song and tease, "Are you gonna sing with me or what?"

Just try, try, try something new and you'll find yourself falling in love with this kind-hearted, God-fearing sweetheart. Even tough guys are converted. Unless....you're....afraid?!?

So aside from Justin Bieber, what am I loving today? M&M's peanut butter! A worthy substitute to my all-time fave, Reese's Pieces. And because I'm gluttonous, I ate not one.....

But two!

No wonder I'm nearing the 160-pound mark. All that jogging I did earlier? Wiped out!

Which brings to mind...another thing I love? Running! But that's for another entry.

Me lemming for this:

The case, not the BB. Although I wouldn't mind a new BB Bold, if someone were to give it to me. We need to have more Blackberry Case options here.

What are you loving today?

Hate Late! Love Food!

2011-03-20T17:11:00.006+08:00

Today, I got to eat my favorite food. It's like it's my birthday instead of my baby bro's. We had spaghetti, my Lola's special recipe fried chicken, and pizza. To our surprise, we found alimasag on the table, too!

I was buying the pizza so I got to choose. My favorite pizza brand ever, prior to discovering S&R's, is Pizza Hut. I lalalalalove their stuffed crust wonders. So, for BB's (baby bro) early beeday celeb, I decided to go with the glorious multiple-cheese cheesy volcano. After I ordered, I felt somewhat regretful. Maybe I should've order from Yellow Cab. Would've fed alot more people. My family and I are gluttonous. We can eat like three to four slices apiece, even the girls. But with the size of Pizza Hut's pizza's, we'd have to limit ourselves to two each. Bah, I thought. Winner naman ang pizza nila. So imagine my joy when I discovered three boxes on the dining table! The order came three measly minutes late so they said we were privvy to a free box. Imagine that! I love this kind of service. McDonald's is CONSTANTLY late. Like an hour after they promised delivery, the rider still has not left the branch. And do you see any kind of consolation? Nope. Not even a bag of soggy fries. So this is great. I love Pizza Hut!

Now the cake. Since I'm in charge of buying BB's cake, I get to choose which store to get it from. And you know what, it's really better with a Red Ribbon. More often than not, I cross paths with Goldilocks. I learned a trick from my friend May-Ann, when you come across dry cake. Mash it like mashed potato or baby food so that the icing moistens the cake. Otherwise, I'd be hacking and coughing on those dry bits. Red Ribbon cakes are so moist and creamy and soft that even their choco bars can pass as bits of cake. This Chocolate Fudge Cake just slid down our throats with ease. Yummmm!

That's Baby Bro right there. Happy 21st Birthday Poch!

I think Alimango is waaay over rated. What I really love is alimasag. I think the difference is that the alimango is fresh water and the alimasag is salt-water. It's meatier and juicier. This is what we had today, too. A bit out of place in the midst of all the carbs, but hey, who's complaining?

What I'm not loving: difficulty to connect any other device to Blackberry using bluetooth. What gives?

Today, I love Krispy Kreme

2011-03-16T11:40:00.005+08:00

Ever since I started up blogging again, I’ve been racking my brain for ways to make my blog more useful to the“public”, rather than just be a place for me to pour my “sama ng loob”. While driving, I realized that it was right in front of my face all along! See, I love sharing what happens to me in my daily life. I love to talk about my dogs. I love to talk about trivial things. When I first started blogging, people told me I need to stick to one thing to blog about. But, I find that sooo boring. I’m passionate about a lot of things. I can’t just dedicate a blog to one thing.

Like my dogs. I love my dogs, Max and Clyde. I love sharing anecdotes about them. Like yesterday, our help, Dina, shared with me that our boy, Dimboy picked up Max, carried him to the living room and just cuddled him whilst staring out the floor-to-ceiling window facing our front yard. All of a sudden, Dimboy felt something warm on his shorts. Turns out Max peed on him. But those who know Max knows he does not pee on people. Even during a four hour drive to the beach, Max does not pee on the upholstery. So I found it hilarious that he peed on Dimboy. If you don’t know Max yet, let me tell you that he’s a naughty one. Sometimes, just for the heck of it, he’ll pretend to be angry at Dimboy just because.

Clyde (left), lounging around. Max with his new shoes.

So, anyway, like I said, I like to talk about random things. I’ll text my friends in what my sister calls the “Kris Alert”. When something happens, I’ll text the same message to, at the very least, five people. When I was in grade school, back when cellphones and beepers were non-existent, I’d write everything I wanted to tell my mom about my day and give the piece of paper to her at the end of the day. I know. I’m weird.

So anyway, on to my KrisMis for today. I have this new-found fondness for Krispy Kreme, ever since I met their super nice, super helpful Corporate Communications Manager, I’ve grown to love the brand even more. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them even before Bobby, but the Krispy Kreme/Max’s Restaurant has been so passionate about helping the same families that help Habitat, I can’t help but amp up the love. On my way to a radio guesting on Magic 89.9 today, I was thinking what I could give them and I thought, “KRISPY KREME donuts for breakfast!” While I was there, grabbed myself a cup of coffee. Noticed that there was this thingamagig that covers the hole on the lid of the coffee cup. The same one that Starbucks plugs with a Post-It tab. I love this invention! It’s a stirrer that has a stopper so that you don’t spill the drink on yourself while walking or driving.

Awesome! This is what I love today. Krispy Kreme, Original Glazed, and the coffee cup stirrer/stopper plug. What are you loving today?

Goodbye Drama Queen

2011-03-15T17:25:00.003+08:00

Today, I did something that wasn't so wise. I, 1) cleaned out my desk, 2) SMSed people about my resignation and my new number, 3)started turn-over. Now everyone who remotely knows me that I am a very emotional person. I've been working on being objective and keeping my emotions at bay and while I was full-force into sweeping away my past to get ready for my future, my leechy separation anxiety slowly started creeping in as I was moving along. The past year, I've had to learn how to let go the hard way. It's a struggle I've been wanting to face and overcome for years. I noticed that the past few days, the past is trying to pull me back. It's taking all that I can to resist it.

I was talking to some colleagues, asking them if they were sad when they had to leave their respective jobs. They said no, even if they enjoyed immensely. I need to stop looking at things with an emotional heart, and replace it with a sensible mind. It's time to look at things a different way... to start thinking more and feeling less. This is a year for that.

Blues blues are Sunday’s hues

2011-02-06T16:58:00.005+08:00

I don’t know what it is about Sundays that always get me down. I think a lot of people may have this little ailment called “Sunday Blues”. Maybe it’s the coming work week or perhaps the unusual quiet that the day brings. I woke up this afternoon without a soul in the house and the eerie quiet unsettled me. I suppose I should start doing something differently on Sundays, like taking the dogs out for a walk, or going to the mall with my sister. Thing is, now that I have work every Sunday morning, I feel so darned tired.

This makes me thing about Sundays as a child. Back in the day, people worked Mondays to Fridays, sometimes Saturdays, but never on Sundays. Now, most of the workforce has to sacrifice their Sundays to get the job done. I wonder, in a few years, will people be working on Christmas too? Oops, I think we've already reached that point.

So I got to thinking... where would I not be sad on Sundays? If I can think of one place, maybe I will devote my life to moving there.

I was talking to an acquaintance the other day about Batanes and how rustic things are there. I think that would be a bit too provincial for me and I'd probably be driven much farther down the road of depression. This made my thoughts fly to Cagayan de Oro, the only province I ever called my own, even if it's really not. I was reminded of leisurely Sundays at the farm.

Although I love the atmosphere of Magic Farms, I think the quiet would eventually drive me insane after a few weeks there. Then... THEN I think of the beach. And not just any beach. Boracay how it was about five years ago. I think, if I got the chance to work there, I think I would be blissfully happy. The beach has always been my sanctuary, but there's something about the calm blue water and the powder-fine white sand of Boracay that just makes me feel so complete.

Where would you want to spend yourSundays?

Palimos po kasi tamad ako

2011-02-03T11:38:00.007+08:00

It's crazy that the only reason that I'm blogging now is because a colleague is using my laptop for photoshop. With everything I have to do on my computer, I've ambushed hers so I can squeeze in some blogging. I was on the MRT today and experienced something totally worth blogging about. Or atleast I think so.
I got off the Boni MRT and spontaneously took a side trip to the Waffle Dog place to get something in my tummy. A stocky guy about my height was standing beside the customer in front of me. At first, I thought he was also a customer, but when I took a closer look, he had his hand held out, he was pouting and mumbling something about loose change to the customer in front of me. I realized that this healthy guy, who could pass for a customer himself (albeit poorly dressed), was begging for money. When it was my turn, he tapped my arm and asked me to buy him a waffle dog. Oh, the gall! This able-bodied man in his mid-twenties was pouting his way to breakfast.

Photo courtesy of http://statetheatrenj.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/wafflesmall2.jpg

So, me and my big mouth said, "Maghanap ka kaya ng trabaho. Ang lakas lakas mo, kayang kaya mo mag trabaho".
Loser boy: "Hanapan niyo po ako ng trabaho"

Me: "Maghanap ka ng sarili mong trabaho. Ang dami dami jan pwede pasukan"

Loser boy: "Wala po ako papeles. Hanapan niyo ako ng trabaho"

Me: "Hindi mo kailangan ng papeles. Magbenta ka ng kendi, ng yosi, ng mani. Kahit ano. Mag barker ka. Tumayo ka sa kanto at lahat ng magp-park sigawan mo ng 'Ge! Ge! Ge! Op!' sabay hampas sa sasakyan".

My point was, do anything (basta hindi illegal, although all that I mentioned above is probably not legal but not completely illegal either) you can to earn a few pesos, just don't beg. There are so many things this healthy guy could've done to get P18 for a waffle dog.

Now, it's common knowledge that I work for a non-profit, with the sole purpose of helping the needy. But, what many don't know is that the best way to help the poor is to give them a "hand UP" not a "hand out". I've seen many of our beneficiaries rise from poverty because we gave them the lift they needed. You would be surprised how much the impoverished Filipino is capable of soaring over mountains. They just need the right start, the guidance and the vehicle to get there.

Going back to Loser Boy. There I was, not feeling too great about going to work. I've been so exhausted the past two weeks and yet I drag myself to work because there are things in life that we just have to do, whether we like it or not. And here is this guy, most likely physically stronger than I am, asking me to give him my hard-earned loose change while he stands there and does nothing and chooses not to work just because.

The point here is that if we really want to help other people, we must help them help themselves. We don't improve their situation by tolerating medicancy. So when you see people like this out on the streets, try to gauge when to be generous and when your generosity is actually doing them more harm than bad.

Crazed

2011-02-02T12:38:00.003+08:00

I am typing this on my lunch break because it's the only time I have these days to blog. I have so many thoughts flying into my mind, some even written down on paper so that all I have to do is type it up, but still, no luck. I was already on Wordpress.com when I realized that I couldn't put adsense into the interface. So I am switching back to my old blog. Too bad, I really did like Wordpress.

Work has been really crazy so there's a lot of learnings and a lot to share. Now, if only I could get time to post. So many things I want to write about. Movies I've seen, like "Love and Other Drugs", which some people found too soft porn, while I found it quite endearing. Modus Operandus (what is the plural of operandi?), Grey's Anatomy, Chuck and Blair, my newfound love of the boondocks, the wonderful weather, love, and well... other variations of "drugs". Like my Flaming Hot Cheetos fixation, Reese's pieces, Kinder Bueno and coffee. I'll get to all that. I hope. In the meantime, try to check back every once in awhile and see if there's anything new. Hopefully I'll have something for you regularly.

Bye, bye birdies!

2006-12-13T20:33:00.000+08:00

I've made my move! As much as I'll miss being a "Blogger", I've signed up to be an LJer. Okay, that sounded really loser-ish.

Visit my new blog: http://kriselisajoanne.livejournal.com

I'm moving!

2006-12-10T13:36:00.000+08:00

I made the mistake of moving to beta blogger, and unfortunately, the action is irreverisble. Problem is, accessing this site is much more difficult than the regular blogspot site. Since I keep in touch with my friends through blog, I want to make my move as convenient for you as it is for me. I already set up an account with vox - borabliss.vox.com. But only members can comment. Check it out and see if it's accesible to you. If not, I'd appreciate suggestions on where you want to see my blog (livejournal, regular blogspot, etc.)

My highs.

2006-12-09T01:46:00.000+08:00

It is a clear indication that your English is deteriorating when 1) you have trouble finding the right word to describe the quality of your English and 2) you say "kasi" in the middle of a sentence while talking to a foreigner. Which is why I've decided to take on more writing assingments and to speak straight English in order to perfect the language I grew up with. Today, I interviewed the president of the Girl Scouts of the Philippines. I think I've found a new mentor in her. Not only is she well-versed, kind and empowered, she also has that motherly touch to her. Melissa mentioned earlier today that she thinks that Madame President was named one of Marie Claire's Women of the Year. I wouldn't be surprised if she were. She's also the President of the Soroptimist Internation of the Americas, an organization whcih advocates women's rights. Their scope is so largely extensive that I think I've found the women's organization I want to beling to. Since the focus of the article is on the GSP, a great revelation came to me. With that in mind, let me urge everyone to get their little sisters to join the club. The GSP is such a formidable force in shaping today's young girls into future leaders that a person with so many issues such as myself vehemently wishes for the clock to turn back to my childhood days so that I could have remained active in the GSP. I would've turned out to be a more confident, self-reliant and truly fearless woman today. (Of course, now I'm learning how to be one with God's help).

Build the proper foundation and you will get an indestructible monument. The GSP takes its members and turns them into well-rounded young ladies. So now, God has opened doors for me. I feel that I am truly embarking on my journey into the NPO/NGO world.

Prior to that meeting, I dropped by Summit to borrow a tape recorder from Frances. Hours later, I stood at the top of the elevator of my favorite hangout, waiting for a friend when a wave of nostalgia overcame me. I realized how much I miss Summit. It truly is a wonderful place to work. The members of the Summit fmily are so secure about themselves as individuals that there is harldy any crab mentality going on. Everyone supports each one's endeavors and applauds their success. Everytime I visit Summit, I receive warm greetings. It is ultimately the most positive environment anyone could ever ask for. I can say that I am truly blessed to have been given the chance to first experience the working world in such a supportive environment.

And as another clear indication of my deteriorating writing skills, I will improperly end this blog with this sentence. I won't even bother to carefully bridge the previous paragraph to a proper conclusion.

Sinning

2006-12-06T00:47:00.000+08:00

I want to be on a beach so badly.

What action does to a 3-month old bum

2006-12-05T23:16:00.000+08:00

I am so excited. I finally have something to write about! I’ve had writer’s block for quite some time and it was only recently that I realized why. Simply because I had nothing to write about! Now, I’m bursting to post my first entry to have any sense in a long time. (That poorly constructed sentence is proof that I haven't picked up a pen - or in this case, touched a keyboard - in awhile) But before anything else, check out tomorrow’s (Wednesday, December 6, 2006) issue of 2bu and read the feature on holiday goodies! Zee was kind enough to feature our yummy empanadas, egg tarts and dog clothes (I forwarded more details about this to those who are in my phone book). Ooh, exciting!

Photo and editing by: Cara Gonzalez

I’ve been worrying about work lately, though I know I shouldn’t be. I have to trust Him. I made the decision with the heart to follow His way. But, I still get attacked by the butterflies every once in awhile. It’s taking so long for H to get back to me but I know I have to be patient. As if response to my anxiety, I got called in to two interviews mid last week but I could only make it to the part time job interview. It sounded perfect: work from home, work during your free time, writing articles. But it seemed much harder than I thought. The first part of the test was pretty easy. Confusing, but easy. The second part required us to write an article. Easy enough, some of my former co-workers might say. Especially since I came from a publishing company. But, the instructions commanded me to use 5 particular key words and to use it 10-12x in the whole article. Minimum of 800 words. Easy enough, you might say, yet again. But then you have to use all 5 words in one sentence. Can’t use just three or just two or just four. All five. In one sentence. Then use it 10-12 times within the whole article. Pretty soon, you run out of things to say. You try to figure out how to do just that without sounding repetitive. The girl beside me pointed out how hard the test was because all our lives, we’ve been taught not to use the same word in the same paragraph, much less in one sentence, in every sentence. Suffice to say I walked out of there not expecting a call back.

The other company didn’t grant me my request to re-schedule an appointment. Too bad.

Then, today, I got a call from a former employer. He was kind enough to give me a part-time job back in college, when I really needed the funds to help put my thesis together. He was a real blessing. And he remains to be one. Today, he offered more part-time work. Plus, a window of opportunity which will allow me to try something new and broaden my network of contacts. I am going to join a dodgeball team! Yes, dodgeball like the movie. This is such a big deal for me because I am so antisocial. I like my comfort zone, thank you very much! But I know that I need to start stepping out of that because well, I’m starting to live like a recluse. I love sports but I can’t seem to get enough stamina to rejoin basketball. So something new and exciting might just do the trick. I don’t know anyone from this dodgeball team and practice and games are held in a city I much despise (Makati, ugh!) but hey, live! Right? So there. Whew. I’m still trying to catch my breath – everything is happening so fast. But, you know what, instead of feeling too anxious (yeah, the feeling is still there) there’s a healthy mix of excitement thrown in. I hope it’ll last long enough to get me through tomorrow. Doesn’t seem like a big deal right? It’s just that I’ve been bumming for so long that commitment and activity are now foreign words to me. What a complete turn-a-round from being the workaholic that I was. I remember wishing that humans didn’t need to pee nor eat because it took such a huge chunk of time away from work. Wow. Gee. Now that I think about it, I must’ve been scary to work with back then.

So I’ve been putting off learning how to use Photoshop because every time I try, I can’t seem to get any progress. Must. Try. Harder. It doesn’t help any that this computer is ancient and takes 40 seconds to open a folder or a document (I counted).

Went to SM North Edsa to visit the newly erected “The Block” earlier. I now remember what I want for Christmas:

1. Nine West Zebra print peep toe shoes
2. Top Shop basic tees with dainty cap sleeves.
3. Mini SD memory card (512mb or 1gb)
4. See through polka dotted top from Folded and Hung
5. Better writing skills (haha, I just read L’s blog – actually, skimmed through it – and I absolutely admire her writing style. I also admire Cara’s and Ro’s and Mica’s writing style. I’m quite unhappy with mine, and I know I shouldn’t feel that way because God made me who I am and to be unhappy with that would be criticizing God’s work. But I still really do admire the way other people write. Sometimes I write so babaw.)

6. Lots of books to read

Life is good, God is good.

Which leads me to my next thought. Christianity. Things are so much more different now. I don't resort to taking things into my own hands anymore. I used to be such a control freak that I was determined to get my way, no matter what. And I recently learned that my way is never the best way. There is somebody up there who has laid everything out on the table. It is done. I was thinking, I'd probably be a huge mess right now if I didn't have Him at the center of my life. All this waiting, all the options, the non-options - it would've all just driven me to the brink and crazy. But I'm happier than ever. Spending time with my siblings, loving my friends, enjoying the luxury that is free time, and most of all, embracing my faith. I never would've had the time and the will to do this had I not left my former job. Even if things aren't exactly where I want them to be, I know that I will be in the place where He wants me to be and that's more than I could ever want or need.

Christmas is just around the bend. If last year and the year before that were depressing, dark years, this year sure made up for it. Here's to life!

Postscript: That cute little canine, by the way, is our beloved Max. He's the light of our lives right now and will remain to be for the years to come.

Peeve: Doesn't it slightly bug you when your relative's friends are so rude that they can't seem to utter a proper greeting when they ask to speak with your relative? She never fails to forget her manners.

Kris: Hello?

Caller: Pwede kay ***

Other variations: "Si ***?" "Anjan ba si ***?" or worse, she just utters the name, like so: "***?"

Another peeve: What about when you ride the jeep and there are only two passengers: yourself and another person. You're both sitting near the entrance of the jeep, you've already scooted your butt all the way to the driver to pay your fare and back when she reaches for you and hands her fare, "Bayad po". I mean, seriously. I would never be so rude as to make utos a complete stranger to go and do something as inconvenient as that. But I do anyway. Because I just try to think about what Jesus would do.

We're not perfect. We have day to day struggles. We have frustrations too. And I, of all people, still get stuck on the legalism of it all. But hey, I'm trying. And I think that's what's important. Soon, there will come a time when I won't mind at all if a passenger asks me to go and fetch her her change. But, I might just address that caller and introduce to her (very politely, of course) proper phone etiquette. Sounds fair? Sounds fair to me.

Christmas is just around the bend!

2006-11-21T22:44:00.000+08:00

Because I am currently jobless, I have nothing to write about these days. Because I have nothing to write about and being jobless equals no dough, I am going to put down my Christmas Wish List. Then, hopefully, I'll find something to write about.

1. Top Shop cap sleeved basic tees
(I can't believe I'm drawing a blank after listing down number 1. What is happening to the world?!?)
2. After much thought, I'm still drawing a blank. Ahh... new books to add to my very very small collection
3. A foot spa
4. New shoes will always be on the list
5. The perfect job

Except for number 5, that list was WEAK!!! My brain has completely turned into mush! The only thing that makes life exciting right now is Max, the doggy I inherited from Ro. He's special. He makes our hearts melt. That and Grey's Anatomy but I'm done with season two now.

What else, what else. Good gosh. I have nothing to write about because my life has been so blah lately. I better end this. Hay.

Home Sweet Home

2006-10-06T10:12:00.000+08:00

It’s been approximately 9 years and 8 months since I left and yet, I still get a fresh pang of nostalgia when I hear a certain song or see items from that time. My heart tightens just a little and breathing gets to be difficult. I’ve tried to maintain contact with them all these years but you get caught up in your world here that sometimes, you forget. Liz Goings came home this year. During one of my busier times so I wasn’t able to take her around or spend much time with her. It was so strange having her in front of me though. It’s been 9 years and 8 months since I’ve seen anyone from Cerritos, with my cousins as the exception. I almost feel like I’ll never see my hometown again. Yet, I know I’m meant to, sometime in the future. I rarely get flashbacks now, though I still find myself staring into space, traveling back to Cerritos-land sometimes.

Play New Edition’s “Still In Love” or All-4-One’s “These Arms” and I’m back in my room at 12323 Cantrece Place. If I’m listening to either song, I’m most probably on the phone with B., or L., or J., painting my nails or ironing my hair straight. Back then, I loved going to school. I was dark as anything from running miles under the sun. I lived right behind my school so it was just a 5-minute walk. Wednesdays were late start days and Aruni would sometimes go to my house so that we could walk to school together. It was the happiest time in my life. Running up hills, forging lasting friendships, getting farted on by D. Spending hours on the phone, walking on carpeted floors, going to Target and the mall with mom. Eating Chick-Fil-A and those wonderful orange popsicles.

It’s been so long that now, it seems like it was all just a hazy dream. But then I dig into my huge plastic container full of Cerritos memorabilia and then I’ve got proof that it all existed. I’ll be holding my breath till the day I get on a flight to Cerritos to revisit the place that holds the best time of my life.

That's the Cerritos Public Library where I used to spend hours researching and also where I met my second boyfriend, Daniel. The next photo is of Cerritos Towne Center, where we used to hang out. It's similar to the Promenade the Seventh Heaven kids go to. Then there's the track and cross country team, which I used to belong, the gym I used to spend study period in. Study period because I was excused from P.E. since I was an athlete. That's Jason, I think. My former teammate who now coaches the track and cross-country team at CHS.

What did we do to Meralco to deserve this?

2006-10-04T07:51:00.000+08:00

Because I live in a third world country, I did not panic. In fact, I took it like an everyday occurence. It would've been a different story if I lived in the U.S of A all my life.

Six whole days without power didn't quite drive me crazy. It might've helped that I could rush over to my friend's house to charge my cellphone battery. It's not that I can't live without a cellphone, but it is a pretty essential tool to communicating. The second day without power, my sister, L. and I went to Katipunan to try and get our batteries powered up. Unfortunately, every coffee shop in Katipunan was full, every socket occupied and the restaurants charged P50 per hour. That would've done if I had a single celly to re-charge. I had 5. Two were mine and the rest were my siblings' and cousin's.

Other than that, it was quite refreshing to be in darkness. Everything was so peaceful. Except when nighttime fell. Then it became too quiet. And quite warm. See, the day before the power gave out, some intruder trespassed on our property to steal our water pump. I was doing the laundry out in the garage when the dogs started going berserk. I looked to my right and saw this scrawny, filthy guy in an orange shirt struggling to open our pedestrian's gate. He was carrying a sack of what looked like scraps of metal. I didn't realize right away that he was a magnanakaw because we usually have maintenance men or mechanics over. It wasn't until our help started yelling that I realized the gravity of the situation. So, from that day on, we've been a little tight on security and we've been vigilant for prospective magnanakaws.

It is only during a blackout that my family gets to bond nowadays. Nic, Gerry, Kim, Les and I went to Mister Kebab to get some chow the first night of the brownout. Prior to that, we were lounging around waiting for the storm to pass, unaware of the destruction that Milenyo was wreaking on the rest of the country. See, you could say our house is sort of protected by a fortress of trees. There are so many, so close together that they protect each other from falling over. We were oblivious to the warzone that was the rest of the city. It was only when we drove out to Mister Kebab that we witnessed how badly the storm hit. Electric posts had fallen over and the big rubber tree we had mistaken for a Balete tree at the end of our street tipped over, taking down our power line. Billboards had fallen and the Tomas Morato and Timog area stayed in darkness for approximately 5 to 6 days. We had no electricity to get the TV or even the radio going so we had NO IDEA how bad it was out there. We were completely alienated from the world that first day of darkness.

Today, the power came back on at around 5AM so I am up and about, cleaning the room and doing the laundry. And worrying about work, though I know I shouldn't be. If you guys know any international NGOs out there I can apply at, please do let me know. Yes, I know, some people will say help your country before you help the world, but international NGOs do help our country (World Vision, UNICEF, etc.).

So, I'm off to doing chores.

2006-09-26T14:58:00.000+08:00

After almost a month of unemployment, I’ve found that I am just getting used to being a bum. I always thought I’d be bored out of mind by now. Surprisingly, I’m enjoying roaming our empty house, trying to figure out what to do next. I split my time doing the laundry, a task I find extremely therapeutic, reading books (lo and behold I’m now on my second title, whereas I barely had time to say my daily prayers pre-unemployment days), looking up words in the dictionary in an attempt to expand my vocabulary, praying, reading my bible leisurely (I used to rush through the pages due to lack of time), and yes, watching TV. Ah, this is the life. I know it’s not going to last long, so I’m savoring it. Pretty soon it’ll be back to work. Ro and I are really excited about something and I’m praying to God that this is what He has in mind for me.

So, I’ve been more bright-eyed than I’ve been for weeks now. It’s such a breath of fresh air to be able to just kick back and do things at a slower pace than what you’re used to. Take, for example, the Gigantic Fantastic project we started. We were snapping away for HOURS, unmindful of the time. There was nowhere to rush to, nothing urgent to be attended to and you know what? It is such a huge relief. Going back to that bit about roaming around my house, I haven’t done that since the summer after second year college. That was the last “unbusy” time of my life. When you had the time to take in the quietness of the house, breathe in the damp smell rain brings in and just stare at the remoteness of it all. I still can’t believe I’m here, in this house, with nothing to do. I can’t get enough of it.

This time last year, I saw the world through different eyes. Depressed, lonely, broken eyes. Also, this time last year, we were in Boracay with the old Media Relations team. It was the last time things would be the same. Mica, coincidentally, is in Boracay now. With much excitement, I rang her up. I’ve always found awe in things like that. Not ringing her up, silly, but me being in one part of the country, and her, being in the paradise I love most. On the exact same day, minute, second. We’re breathing in the same air, standing on the same soil, surrounded by the same skies. And yet, we’re miles apart. I liken it a bit to morphing, if you will. Through that phone call, maybe hearing the waves if I listen hard enough, if I close my eyes I can almost feel the sand beneath my feet, the wind blowing through my hair, the salt water reaching out to touch me. Ah, bliss. And Mica is in Bliss Land. Now if only she had 3G so that I can get more of the Bora feel. Ah, how desperate of me. Bora does that to me. It makes me yearn for it 24 hours, 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year.

Gigantic Fantastic

2006-09-24T01:38:00.000+08:00

Supersized! We have a new hobby. It started one night while hangin out with the doggies. Just a way to make the evening livelier. Tonight, we were so bored that we had a field day and expanded the idea into a new project Cara dubbed "Gigantic Fantastic". (Photoshop not used here. Just real live junk we had lying around in the room)

One venti Cara-mel Frapp to go!

"So hungry I could eat my ate!"

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe. This beats the wooden shoe in Marikina
Hidden Mickey?

Gone with the wind

Ethnic love

Channel Surfing

Baby Craig celebrated his first birthday today! What a sweetie! I just might consider motherhood if my baby turns out to be as cute as him!

Three-week old bum

2006-09-19T17:06:00.000+08:00

It's been exactly three weeks since my last working day. Why am I counting anyway? I've been dreaming about my career almost everyday since I stopped working. Must life be this complicated. Will I ever wake up and find everything sunny again? It seems that I've grown accustomed (and quite comfortable, bordering on dependent) to gloom. Maybe it has something to do with what Mica said about happiness equating to just the same amount of sadness. I want to wake up and have the urge to shout "It's a GLORIOUS day!" To step out, turn my face to the sun and enjoy the warmth. But, I can't. Everytime I try and do so, this dreaded feeling starts nagging at me. Reminding me about my woes. Even the small ones become magnified.

This Sunday to Tuesday morning, I stayed with Ro in Laguna. And for a moment, I forgot about my worries. We spent the whole weekend watching the second season of Grey's Anatomy, snuggled up in her cold room. She also treated me to a mega relaxing massage. I fell asleep right away.

I find myself staring into space more often. I sit in my room and just ponder about my life. Where it's headed. What I really want to do. Ahh.. quarter-life crisis. I'm hoping for some good news. I hope to find myself an NGO soon. Something to push over some recent developments. I'm so happy that for once, they were fair to them. Because they weren't fair to me. I don't want to get into it here. I just need to get over it.

Here's a mouthful

2006-09-13T14:45:00.001+08:00

I know so many people who claim that they are exactly in the place they want to be right now. I know I only need to be patient and I will get there also. Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right decision. Leaving Summit was such a huge move. But, I know I would not be sure if I were in the right place if I didn’t. I’d be heading up yes, but there would come a point where I would ask, “Where to now?” The complicated part is that I loved working at Summit. So it was so easy to just be. But, let’s say, I reached the top, which is to be a PR manager or director, then what? And that is due to the fact that I never really aimed to be in PR. I just fell into it. And, might I reiterate, I loved the job. But it just wasn’t what I planned to be. Because I am a planner, that sort of rocked things. I didn’t know where to go from there. I guess it’s sort of like running and basketball. If this country gave any importance to female athletes and opened a professional basketball league and at the same time, there was a venue to become a professional runner, basketball would be part-time. Something I’d do on the side. And running would be my bread and butter.

Take Frances, for example. She has set her life on being a writer, an editor. She was fantastic at Media Relations, but her heart was in editorial. She had every opportunity to climb up in rank in the MRD, but her heart led her to being an editor.

So now, with that WV gone (and I now completely understand why it was taken from me. The Lord has shown me and has pulled me out of…well, I can’t say it but those who are close to me know… ), I do not know where to go. Money is running low (ang lakas rin kasi ng loob ko gumastos ng gumastos eh) and I have no idea which NGO to go to, or even which job to apply for. HR? PR? Ahh…the quintessential quarter-life crisis. I’m quite envious of people who entered college knowing what they wanted to do. My sister is taking up fine arts and I know this is what she’s passionate about. Mama Jo loooooooooveees cooking and that’s probably what she’ll be doing the rest of her life. And I already talked about Frances.

I, on the other hand, want to be a Psychiatrist, an NGO officer, a writer. Hay, naku. Nakakainis talaga.

On to brighter things. I was an honorary Media Relations member yesterday at the Bachelor Bash. It went well. Very organized. Good job Liz, Grid, Mica and Melissa. Hmm… it did seem though that sometimes, you’re only as good as the job you hold. To some people anyway. Most of the press people were still very friendly towards me, although I had nothing to offer them since I am no longer with Summit. One in particular made it very clear that since I (per se) am no longer in the position to feed scoops, content and info to her, I was as good as useless.

Ro made a very good point about this. That we never know what people deal with everyday. And this may be the reason why they act the way they do towards us. That it may not be personal and that I should learn not to take offense. But you know what? I did. But because Ro is a very good mentor and she always makes sense, I will work on overcoming being overly sensitive.

Next. Insecurities. They really do kill. I am a person with sooo many issues. It’s sickening.

Happy thoughts. My Globe application was approved! On the application form, it asked for the cellular numbers I preferred. I tried ringing all just now and discovered that they’ve all been taken. Boo. I really wanted 0917-800KRIS (As Mica suggested) or 0917-8008881 (My birthday). Oh well.

I should stop rambling. And get on with life.

Oh yeah. I really really really miss the PR team. No more people to make manyak. Boo.

Word of the moment. Tite. Tite tite tite tite tite. Before this is misconstrued, Len is like my twin sister. We’re the same height, have the same build and Ate EunESS says we even act alike. So, I wanted to call her Twin. But, I already call Cris Twin. So I thought I’d call us the Twin Towers. TT. Get it? Teetee. But we like playing with words so now it’s Tite.

Hamkam? Karamkam. Hamkam karamkam. Plech Fft. Pechibedebebooboo.

Oh gwash. I really need to be more productive.

2006-09-13T14:45:00.000+08:00

I, on the other hand, want to be a Psychiatrist, an NGO officer, a writer. Hay, naku. Nakakainis talaga.

Next. Insecurities. They really do kill. I am a person with sooo many issues. It’s sickening.

I should stop rambling. And get on with life.

Oh yeah. I really really really miss the PR team. No more people to make manyak. Boo.

Hamkam? Karamkam. Hamkam karamkam. Plech Fft. Pechibedebebooboo.

Oh gwash. I really need to be more productive.

Living by the seaside

2006-09-11T10:18:00.000+08:00

"Na2pad dn ang pangarap natn 2 live by d beach. Amoy dagat na kc d2 sa kwarto. Hehe." - Cara

I am sitting on my bed, surveying the damage the floodwater has done to our room. Considering, we haven't lost much, aside from the bottom drawers, a matress, a Stunk & White book and the most valuable loss - possible damage to my late mom's Kitchen-Aid. Already, I feel a sense of emptiness, like there was an invasion. The room reeks of a damp dungeon and who knows what unimaginable being is laying dead in the nooks and crannies of our room. Magnify this feeling a thousandfold and you might get a glimpse of what flood victims have to endure. Homes, valuable life possesions, every single known belonging that symbolizes a part of one's life just snatched away when you aren't looking. Luckily, Cara, the only person home that night, had the time to react and salvage what she could. But what about those whose homes were submerged in the blink of an eye. What great mourning for such loss. And here I am, irked to the bone because I now have to clean up and do damage control.

I was looking for Globelines requirements which I put on a MS Word Document when I came across something I researched before PST. This was supposed to be my position at World Vision. Please help me pray that I find the right NGO for me. I really liked this specialization too.

Social Marketing
Social marketing is the planning and implementation of programs designed to bring about social change using concepts from commercial marketing. Among the important marketing concepts are:

The ultimate objective of marketing is to influence action;
Action is undertaken whenever target audiences believe that the benefits they receive will be greater than the costs they incur;
Programs to influence action will be more effective if they are based on an understanding of the target audience's own perceptions of the proposed exchange;
Target audiences are seldom uniform in their perceptions and/or likely responses to marketing efforts and so should be partitioned into segments;
Marketing efforts must incorporate all of the "4 Ps," i.e.:
Create an enticing "Product" (i.e., the package of benefits associated with the desired action);
Minimize the "Price" the target audience believes it must pay in the exchange;
Make the exchange and its opportunities available in "Places" that reach the audience and fit its lifestyles;
Promote the exchange opportunity with creativity and through channels and tactics that maximize desired responses;
Recommended behaviors always have competition which must be understood and addressed;
The marketplace is constantly changing and so program effects must be regularly monitored and management must be prepared to rapidly alter strategies and tactics.

Erratum: in my previous entry, i said that the mouse trashed wildly. I meant thrashed.

Bum=Me

2006-08-31T20:24:00.000+08:00

The sensation of being jobless is quite strange. For the first time since 2002, I am not doing anything at all. I'm still letting it all sink in, which is why I'm not out job hunting yet. I was on my way home from Shangrila Mall (lunch with Liz, Ingrid, Mica, Melissa and Cris followed by some solo strolling around the mall) and took the MRT when I realized that for once in 4 years, I'm not jumping around trying to do multiple things at once. I'm not catching up on sleep on whatever mode of transportation I'm on, not catching up on bible readings, or reading magazine bibles. I wasn't texting the press - basta, all the things I usually do while on the move to save time for when I'm in the office and have to attend to something else. Here are more signs that I'm officially unemployed:

1. I'm not rummaging around my bag to make sure my two phones haven't been snatched. I returned my office phone, so know I'm just checking on one phone unit.
2. I'm back to commuting. Jeeps, buses, MRT, you name it. But no expensive cabs for me.
3. I am actually doing pretty well at restraining myself from buying anything unnecessary. Even a Ki-ka bar.
4. I'm drooling for Mister Kebab but it stops there. I can't go out on a whim and grab special cielos to eat on my meager savings. Okay, exag but I'm so scared I'll run out of money!!!
5. I slept in the afternoon.
6. I am actually able to catch dinner at home.
7. I'm already bored to death.

I miss the small things though. Lounging around the house, not having to multi-task to get things done. I can understand how stay-at-home mothers might like not having to work. It's nice to focus on household duties without having to sweat over work deadlines, preparing for pow-wows and doing damage control.

I took a nap and ended up dreaming about World Vision again. And my being unemployed. And with an overflowing bladder. So I walked to the bathroom half asleep and discovered that someone forgot to flush the toilet after doing number 2. So just to make it vivid for you, the toilet resembled a murky, mini-lake. I reached over to flush the toilet when I noticed the shit trashing around wildly. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing things. Shit moving? Then I saw two beady eyes looking helplessy at me, pleading for my rescue. And I realized that THAT was no moving shit, but a hamster-sized rat swimming in feces! He was fighting the whirlpool-like current of the toilet flush and since our flushing power is very weak, he didn't go down at all. We eventually got him out of there and thoroughly disinfected the bowl, but still. That was a weird moment. All the more when I realized that I actually found the whole scene cute for a moment there. Or I found the rat cute. Kasi naman he was soaking wet so naka slick back yung hair niya. Para siyang naka brush up.

Weird first day unemployed.

Au revoir Summit

2006-08-30T23:20:00.000+08:00

My first job. Summit Media. It seemed so long ago when I first started working here. With the powerhouse team that was comprised of Treena, Frances, Ro and the new addition - me. I am now sitting at my desk for the very last time. The last time I'll ever touch these keyboards, sit on this chair, swipe in for and out of work. It hasn't sunken in yet. My disappointment over the loss of World Vision came even before I feel any sadness over the loss of Summit, but I know I will feel it once I'm finally gone. This.Was.My.Life. For two years, 5 months and 15 days, this was what my life revolved around. And soon, I'll be working with strangers, at a completely new place. And I feel...blank. It's not because I don't care about Summit or that I don't love the people I work with (in 34 minutes, the correct tense would be "used to work with"). It's just that, it's quite difficult to fathom that I will no longer be a Summiteer. I discovered so many things about myself in this place. I unearthed so many surprises about myself. Kris, the loner and anti-socialite, became a full-blown PR person. One who uninhibitingly (is there such a word?) chatted up every press person left and right and developed new (and hopefully lasting) friendships with them. Amazing.

Flashback: Melissa and I were standing outside Toto Labrador's studio more than a year ago when she shared with me how amazed she was that I could chat up the MTV crew just like that. She also divulged how worried she was at how well she'd fare at that, seeing as that she didn't know how to 'PR' herself. And I remember telling her that it wasn't always easy for me. And sometimes, I still struggle with that. Now, I see how fantastic she is at her job. And it reminded me of me. How I never thought I could do this, but did.

I will miss this place so much, I know I will. How many times have I sat at my desk, typing away all my troubles and into my blog? How many times have I walked around this mall with Ro as an attempt to detoxify ourselves? How many times have I taken a TV crew through the office to interview and editor? How many late nights have I spent slaving over a deadline? How many offices do you know of that doesn't practice crab mentality AT ALL? How many offices can you find that houses officemates who will support you in all your endeavors? Who will root for you when you get promoted and not try to keep success away from you?

Things have changed so much in the span of 2 years, 5 months and 15 days. This Summit is not the same Summit I initially fell in love with, but as time progresses, I continue to fall in love with it for all its transformations.

How do I feel aside from missing the place and the people? I absolutely don't know. I'll let you know when I figure it out. I just hope I don't do it while lying helpessly at home, pining over what I let go.

Here's to a new life. Good bye Summit.

You will always...be.

My twin sister

2006-08-29T22:07:00.000+08:00

Decisions are not my strengths

2006-08-25T21:40:00.000+08:00

I possibly made one of the biggest decisions of my life today. And I'm not feeling too grand about it, even if I did receive Word. I'm supposed to be writing PRs today but I'm feeling quite depressed. I feel a little lost. And angry at myself. Defiant. How come my heart keeps telling me that I should be there? This is the first time I've declined a job offer I liked. Do you know how hard that is? I feel stupid and lost. I feel so so lost. The first time I stepped into that office, I got a gleeful feeling. Like I belonged. I instantly felt like that was where I should be. I was ready to face everything that came my way. But He spoke to me and told me no. I feel like a little kid, begging for the latest "in" toy, and having my mom pulling me out of the store. Six days from the formal job offer and I back out. I browsed through the website just to torture myself... remind myself of what I was missing out on. Ever since that fateful day in my Womyn's Studies class, I have dreamed of the day when I would get to work for an NGO. I got offered a job earlier this year at an international NGO but I knew from day one that that wasn't the place for me. This one, however, really reeled me in. But, apparently, it's not the NGO for me either. And I'm just so upset that I've been trying to swallow my sobs the whole day. Why does it feel so wrong? I want to be angry at someone, anyone - but I know there's no one to blame but me. And right now, the lowest thing in my life is my faith. But, I guess I don't deserve much blessings either. I'm not exactly your perfect Christian. Long way to go for me. One thing is clear. Right now, I am angry at Him. I just want to be honest.

Floating towards nowhere

2006-08-16T13:53:00.000+08:00

It's angst time again! Have you ever experienced hanging in mid-air? Not knowing whether to go up or down? Or ever been on an endless road, driving and driving, not knowing where you're going to yet you know you're going somewhere significant?

Self-centered. Since when have I become this? Was I always like this? Definitely, I only noticed recently. Well, a few months back. I don't want it to be all about me anymore. But, I don't know how to reverse that.

State of confusion. State of not knowing what is to be. That is me. Is this what they call going through a quarter-life crisis?

Nothing is worse than not knowing... having no direction... not anything. Not knowing how to feel, where to go, what to do, what to be. Nothing is worse than floating.

My days with them are numbered and it saddens me deeply.

The Shoe-paholic strikes again!

2006-08-11T16:50:00.000+08:00

The shoe demon has attacked once again. I was feeling pretty good about containing my shopping urges. We were at Bayo Glorietta yesterday for the Seventeen Favorite Model Search event and I was dangerously coveting a black bag which costs roughly P1600. I had it slung over my shoulder and I was so ready to take it to the counter when my rational side came over me and made me put the bag back on the rack. I went to the bathroom and came back sans the desire for the bag. Yay!

The event ended on a good note except for the vehicle mishap, which left us four PR girls roaming the halls of Glorietta, torturing Mica and her beaten feet. So there we were, making a ruckus in the middle of the Quad when I turn and catch a glimpse of a huge “SALE!” sign hanging in the window of Nine West. I freak out. But, Mica is too tired to walk all that way. Thanks goodness. Or so I think.

So, I slept at a friends house and had to borrow a whole outfit from her sister. But I couldn’t find shoes to match. Clad in my borrowed outfit and a very displaced pair of Havaianas, I made my way to work, determined to buy a pair of gold banig slippers which only costs P180. I even teased myself a little and checked VNC and Wade (which was having a sale), knowing that I wasn’t interested in purchasing anything over P180.

Until I reached 50th Avenue and I realized that the stores which carried the banig slippers were still closed. Panicking, I made a mad dash for the escalators and found myself at Nine West Galleria. Drooling over shelves of discounted pairs of shoes. All bug-eyed and dizzy from the rush. I had the saleslady take out several pairs in my size until I finally settled on a pair of lush, green peep-toed sandals.

I knew I was drowning in guilt when I crept back into the office, leaving the Nine West shopping bag in one corner so that no one would notice my purchase (I was already wearing the shoes). And then I sat in a daze at my desk, realizing what I had just done. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, I know, but the whole thing just happened so fast and the feeling was unfortunately, all too familiar. Right then and there, I wanted to hop in a cab, speed over to the neares Shopaholics Anonymous Center (but it doesn't exist), confess my purchase and once again resolve to stay away from those evil accesories called shoes. But there’s no such thing. So now I just have to live in guilt, wondering if I’ll ever be able to curb this shoe shopping obsession.

This is my calling...

2006-08-09T17:00:00.000+08:00

Boo yeah!

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	66%
Type 2	Helpfulness	34%
Type 3	Image Focus	66%
Type 4	Hypersensitivity	78%
Type 5	Detachment	54%
Type 6	Anxiety	82%
Type 7	Adventurousness	58%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	58%
Type 9	Calmness	10%

Your main type is 6
Your variant is self pres

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

2 years earlier

2006-08-07T12:52:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling chipper today. The first time in months that I practically skipped out of the house, happy thoughts bubbling. That is why the first thing I did when I got to work was log on to my blogspot account. To document this rare feeling of happiness. The world looks brighter and more colorful today. For once, I don't feel like holding back on being happy (usually I do so because I'm afraid that there's an equal reason to be sad or depressed). Today, I'm throwing caution to the winds. I read once that it's winds. But is it wind?

I'm a happy duck. I'm a huppy dack.

But I'm not me without a little bit of angst. Don't you hate it when you get unwanted comments about how you look? The occasional compliment from an officemate, a sibling, a friend is of course very much appreciated, but a "Sexy mo miss" (sabay catcall) always, always, always offends me. I immediately feel demoralized. And today, when some perv called my attention, it took me all of 2 seconds to try and contain my hatred before I let loose on expletives. Yeah, wag patulan, but I'm so sorry. I love to make patol. I don't like letting people get away with things.

Back to happy thoughts. Or rather, random thoughts. Yesterday, I went back in time and watched a WNCAA game. I swear, I am getting old. Lately, my memory seems to be slipping. Forgetting names, forgetting things people already told me, mixing people up, stuff like that. I embarrassed myself quite a few times yesterday, confidently saying hi to people who weren't who I thought they were. And not recognizing people who would say hi to me. Looking sheepishly and wide-eyed as I hurriedly tried to recall where and when I met that person. I think it must be the wear-your-hair-long trend that did me in. These blues really look different with long hair.

It was also the first time I've been back in that area since I graduated. It gave me a funny feeling. A strange dose of nostalgia, which I didn't expect.

As Captain Barbosa would say..

2006-08-06T09:58:00.000+08:00

So. How does one acquire a sunny disposition these days? Are there classes for it? I think I need to enroll in a "How to Stay Positive" class.

In the middle of going through a life insurance policy, my mind started to wander and I am struck by a scene from Pirate of the Caribbean. Keira Knightley bravely faces Captain Barbosa as he succinctly describes his insatiable thirst for everything and anything. And I realize that I know how that darned pirate feels. My thirst is insatiable - I am never content. Always looking for more. Digging wherever I can for that one piece that would latch all the scattered pieces of me together. Do you know how desolate it feels to be empty? I can't pinpoint when it all started. That one incident which triggered a series of unfortunate events. You run after every semblance of happiness only to discover that it is fleeting. You're cranky, moody and a full-time hater. And you envy those who are carefree, free-spirited and void of the weight of the heaviest problems. You wonder how you can get to that patch of spiritual and emotional well-being instead of drowning in negativity and insane thoughts. You miss the simplicities of life. You miss wanting to take on every challenge and miss the drive that youth brings. All of a sudden, you're afraid of everything. You can count on one hand the number of moments you're gleefully, blissfully ecstatic and worry-free. You miss being giddy and absolutely childish.

So dear sister, I envy your being blissfully happy. Cherish the moment.

In three weeks, I will have all the time to read and pray and rest. It's a scary thought, following your dreams. What if you discover your dreams don't want to be followed? It's also very difficult turning down an opportunity to be a successful leader (one of my fears is to lead). I almost want to run back and burn my resignation letter. But, I know that my little NGO-wannabee self will be nagging me, asking me to explore the route I've set my life to travel.

Here's to an adventure! Must-read: The Time Traveller's Wife. You literally won't be able to put it down. Next book on the list: The Prophet. Also a book you can't put down.

Mindanao Mingling

2006-07-24T11:12:00.001+08:00

When I read P.’s blog entry a few months ago about the impoverished children she and some friends support, I couldn’t really get how it can be so satisfying for her. I just couldn’t relate. I mean, I knew it’s good for the soul to be able to help the needy and in the past, I’ve given a token or two, a few coins, the usual – but I could not make the feeling last. And that scared the living hell out of me because my one goal in life is to work for an NGO with the cause being the needy (or women's rights).

Last July 14, I took my much needed leave. I didn’t get to physically rest right away though, because the next few days were a series of late nights, early mornings and toxic days. My first weekend on leave was reserved for Victory Weekend, a rather spiritually enlightening experience. The past week and a half was filled with so much firsts and fulfilling experiences (including travelling alone to an place I've never been to and facing my fear of the unknown). At VW, one of my biggest wishes was delivered. I was finally able to receive the Holy Spirit. It was such an amazing experience, especially since the first time I tried to receive it, I was forced into it by well-meaning family members. Back then I just came home from the U.S., completely unaware of my religion and barely practicing Catholicism. I went to this clique-ish seminar where everyone knew everybody and sort of had to fake my way into receiving the Spirit. By the time R. convinced me to go to VW, my one wish was to authentically receive the Holy Spirit. And when I did, boy was it an experience. It was unbelievable! And because it was such a personal and private matter between me and God, I don’t feel right sharing it in detail online for the world to see. The Lord must’ve been really serious about making an impact on me because it turned out that this was just an introduction for the week to come.

The week of the 17th, I flew to Mindanao for an immersion. I wanted to know more about the plight of the needy so when opportunity knocked, I practically broke down the door to welcome it. There were a lot of bible reflections which really helped me realize things. One of the facilitators even wondered why I was so reserved during my weeklong stay there when I was so bubbly when we first met. I was just taking everything in. The realizations came so hard and fast that I was literally dumbfounded. I was struggling to cope with it all on top of the exhaustion I was feeling. I was also feeling quite anxious about the host family I was to stay with. I did not know how bad the conditions were going to be and the anticipation was wearing me out further. Finally, doomsday came, and the day I dreaded turned into the start of a lifetime relationship with a family I fell in love with. Until this day (okay, OA, dalawang araw pa lang naman ang nakalipas since I last saw them, but still) I still remain so moved by that family’s generosity. They opened their home to me and accepted me like a real family member. What I treasured the most was their ability to appreciate what they had, however little. I look at my life and see how much I have materially, put it against the contentment they have simply from loving what they have and not hating what they don’t have, and I immediately feel ashamed. I am so used to being in an environment filled with so much hate, tension and conflict that it was really detoxifying to be in their world. No screaming, no finger-pointing on whose turn it is to do the chores, no grumpiness whatsoever. They were not in material abundance but spiritually, they were overflowing with blessings. Nanay was so jolly, palatawa or palangiti, taking on her ilaw ng tahanan role to a tee. Luckily, both Tatay and Nanay were bringing home the bacon. Tatay with their ancestral fishpond and Nanay with her food catering business. Well, actually, it was more of iniihaw na bananacue (I forget what it’s called in bisaya), isaw and hotdog and selling chichiriya and bananas (would you believe a grocery bag of bananas cost only Php 15?!) but it helped them pay for everyday expenses. They had four grown sons and not once did I hear any squabbling – a huge adjustment to the bickering we do at home. Someone asked me the next day who was richer economically, and it took me such a long time to answer because the first thing that came into mind was that first, they probably had less debts. Second, they had a home to call their own while my siblings and I just live with my uncle. Third, they had more food to eat than we ever did here at home. We usually don’t have enough to eat at home, which is why my siblings are so heavily dependent on the preserved food I buy from the grocery, but with my foster family, there was always abundant food. I ended up answering that we were richer economically, but it was such a hard question to answer because parang hindi sila nauubusan ng blessings. I think it’s the way they live life. They were so content with what they have.

Yesterday, I was in Greenhills with a friend and I found myself uttering the few words of Bisaya I learned, like “pila” which means how much, “dine”, “dile” and “naa”. It was so funny because some of the tinderas weren’t even Bisaya. I was still getting used to being in Manila. Then it hit me that I was being unusually nice to the tinderas. See, I’m very unforgiving when it comes to these people since I expect them to know their business (and they usually don't). To know if they have a certain piece of clothing in a medium, or to be masipag in assisting a customer. But then yesterday, I found myself treating them like friends. Turned out my friend noticed the same thing, but didn’t want to say anything for fear of embarrassing me. It occurred to me that these were the same people I could’ve lived with in Mindanao. Nanay, Tatay or any of their sons could’ve been the recipient of the wrath of customers like me, and all of a sudden, I was compelled to become more patient with them, just like you’d be extra patient with your friends or relatives. I suddenly saw the world from their eyes. In the two days I spent with my foster family, I was literally immersed in their world, seeing things the way they saw it and living life the way they did. I adapted my life so that it would be more like theirs. Except taking a shower by the water pump in the middle of the purok. I really couldn’t bring myself to do that. I was already getting a lot of attention as a visitor from Manila. I don’t think I could stand having the purok’s residents watch as I take a shower (even if I had clothes on) in the middle of the square. Lalo na, I take such long showers nowadays. So I kinda had to ask for special treatment and took a shower in their bathroom.

But boy, did I take home a truckload of joy. Who would’ve thought that in those five days, I would gain eight wonderful friends? I am not a person who easily opens my life to new friendships. I’m rather quite wary of the people I meet. And there’s usually conflict when I have to live with people for more than a couple of days. But with this group of people, there was no malice, no irritability, no issues, no rumors, most importantly, no bashing. No one openly complained about someone else’s quirky or not-so-quirky traits. Things were just handled differently. So peacefully. Parang walang nagtanim ng sama ng loob, ng galit, ng inis or impatience or anything like that. If ever a person offended somebody, the recipient of the offense just took it in stride. These people are so amazing. I would gladly hie off and take a month-long trip to the beach (or somewhere) with them and not worry about whether or not we would get along for such a lengthy time.

And because I have to leave a few lasting words, all I can say is that the world is suddenly so much bigger now. I have so much compassion about my foster family (and the other foster families I met during the thank you program) and the residents of the purok I lived in. I work in an industry and for a company peppered with so many intelligent people. But during those five days, I witnessed a different kind of intelligence and that just took my breath away.

Realization

2006-06-27T19:42:00.000+08:00

What good is it all if you can't enjoy life?

It was quite a refreshing scene, walking home at 5 in the afternoon. I felt like I was back in school. I yearn for more afternoons like today.

Sniff

2006-05-24T18:43:00.002+08:00

Everybody, even the most experienced people in this industry, believe in me. How I wish I had the confidence to equal their support.

Wala lang. I bumped into the queen mother of all editors and she told me that I can do this and that they believe in me.

That really made my day.

Thanks M.

Sniff

2006-05-24T18:43:00.001+08:00

2006-05-05T18:43:00.000+08:00

It's been too long since I've written an entry here. The past month has been cray-zay! And so many changes have happened - boy has this been one of the most emotional month I've experienced in awhile. I've been feeling surges of hopelessness, desperation, depression, and low self worth one moment and exhiliration, excitement and giddiness the next. What is up?!?

Someone made me realize how hard I can be on myself and, in turn, on other people. I couldn't help but agree. I'm hard on my colleagues, my siblings, my dad, my friends... And I wonder, how did I get to be this way? Sure as hell, I'm not a perfectionist.

Two days ago, I was able to get my hands on a copy of the May issue of Good Housekeeping magazine. They added a twist to their staffbox especially for Mother's Day. Instead of my name under the Media Relations Group, it read, "Merribee Gonzalez's daughter". And beside that was a photo of me with my mom in L.A. To my surprise, my eyes watered up and I've been missing my mom since. I hardly think of her. I try not to. It was easier to be reminded of her when I was younger. I liked looking at photos of her. For some reason, growing up does something strange to you. Because now, I can't think of her or look at a photo of her without wanting to break down.

New things going on in our department! Meet the new Media Relations Group:

Sigh

2006-03-31T12:28:00.000+08:00

The shoe-paholic in me strikes again.

2006-03-17T18:54:00.000+08:00

My shoe fetish is starting to become unhealthy. Galleria is holding a 3-day sale and I promised myself I wouldn't go around to avoid temptation. Good thing I'm swamped with work because I only had time to sneak out and get lunch before wrestling getting down to business. But, I kind of fell into a trance on the way out of the office and some forceful magnet lured me towards Schu. My eyes zeroed in on a pair of metallic brown flats and then the pink pumps I've been eyeing for months. Then a pair of bronze shoes caught my attention. Thinking that I might find something better at VNC, I hopped on the escalator that would take me to the thrid floor and suddenly, I found myself trying to keep my stride in check - I didn't want to look like some desperate shoe-fanatic in case my legs break out into a run. VNC, as at every sale, slashed 50% off some of their stuff. Rushing back to Schu, I passed Naf Naf's display window and a beautiful, multi-colored pair of pumps caught my eye - and my breath. Fleetingly, a thought crossed my mind: when you start to gasp inwardly at the sight of shoes, you're in trouble. I ended up buying the flats from Schu, but the guilt that ripped through my heart was scary! I literally felt like such a bad person for yet again, purchasing something impulsively.

I'm such a shoe-paholic that I window shop even in the office. My favorite shoe fashion icons being Preview's Joanna Francisco and Pauline Juan. It's a good thing Pauline doesn't notice, but I love passing by her cubicle just to catch a glimpse of what fabulous pair of shoes her feet are donning. I love her printed pumps, all from Hotwind, I think. Today, I almost embarrassed myself again when I walked by her station and gasped at her feet. "Beautiful Shoes!" I yelped.

There's something about the way a shoe is designed that is so artistic. The slant of the heel, the curve of the toe, the way your feet instantly look gazillion times better. Accessories for the feet. I adore a good pair of shoes so much that sometimes, I feel like my pupils are starting to shape themselves into a pair of shoes.

And, boy, has my has my writing deteriorated. This definitely isn't the best way to take into account my love of shoes.

2006-03-16T09:17:00.000+08:00

There are many changes going on in my life right now. Changes that are similar to the ones I went through last year. I think this is a test to see if I learned my lessons. I noticed that I've acquired the nasty habit of dreaming about my problems. Blech. Can't even escape them when asleep.

I think it's time for some major soul-searching. Learn how not to take things personally, stand my ground and to start handling disappointments in a better way. I have my own set of beliefs as to how things should be and I don't want to let go of that. But, at the same time, I want to be open to other people's ideas as well.

Or maybe I'm just too idealistic. Set my standards so high even I can't meet them. Where did I get that from anyway?

I'm just learning how complicated life is. It's not as simple as it used to be in college, when you could choc it all up to immaturity. Now, there are so many factors to consider. So many things that get affected with one decision or one action.

I'm feeling a bit lost. But, what's new right? I know I'll find my place in time. I always do. I just have to stick to what I believe in and not let anyone take me away from that.

I realized how unhappy I've been the past few months. I see people I used to hang out with when my life was "normal" pa and I realized how much I miss them.

2006-02-15T13:37:00.001+08:00

There's something about photos of foreign places (especially ones with the winter season) that make my heart flutter.

What's up doc?

2006-02-14T14:41:00.000+08:00

Searching for that perfect doctor is like looking for the elusive one true love. In all of my 24 years, I have not yet met a doctor that has struck me with his professional capabilities. Which explains why I've never stuck with one doctor ever. I keep moving and switching, in hopes of finding one that I can truly trust. I hate it when you go in for a consultation and they're NEVER sure of what's wrong with you. Or atleast, they never seem sure. They speak in slooooww, monotonous tones, as if inventing their words as they go along. Is this something they teach in med school?

Or...maybe we've put so much faith in these doctors that we forget that they are human too. All this came into perspective while sprawled on a dentist's chair yesterday morning to have my popping jaw checked. Ever since I had my wisdom teeth extracted, my jaw has been popping every time I chew. It wasn't really bothersome until my jaw started to lock in mid-chew when it'd get too stressed out. I wasn't quite satisfied with my dentist's remedy. She wanted me to apply a hot compress every time it'd act up. Then, without so much as telling me what she was doing, she started cleaning my teeth. Quite a surprise as I was only expecting a consultation. Oh well. I was just about due for a cleaning anyway. So, sitting there, quite disappointed that my search for that elusive perfect doctor has yet to end, I realized that maybe... we expect too much out of these doctors. Or maybe, the problem is that now, the field of medicine has too many specializations, unlike say, 20 years ago when aspiring doctors had to go through 10 years of studies because they had to know the human body inside out. Go to one doctor and he could tell what was wrong with your eyes, your nose, your heart, your liver, your lungs (and so on). Now, go to a GP complaining of vertigo and he'll endorse you to a doctor specializing in stomach sicknesses. Then, if he can't find a solution, he'll tell you to go to a neurologist...or whatever. Medicine is too branched out. But, who am I to judge right?

I can feel it... this is going to be another...INTERESTING year. Better interesting than horrid. :)

More batangas photos

2006-02-01T18:36:00.000+08:00

Calado-Quito Nuptials

2006-01-27T17:00:00.000+08:00

One of us is married! I can hardly believe it.

Green night (okay, i'm really bad at titles, i know i know)

2006-01-19T17:22:00.000+08:00

Yes, Niskee and I are obsessed with her dad's new N70. This was taken during my Lola's first death anniversary dinner. The N70 has a built in flash!

2006-01-19T17:13:00.000+08:00

Just when I was FINALLY in the mood to write something, my computer hangs and the IE window closes in mid-compose. Just great. I was in a good mood when I started the entry but I'm not THAT much in bliss to rewrite it. So let this speak for itself.

Batangas with Miriam friends (l-r): Hanna, me, Mama Jo (Manay), Pao (Homie), Gina (Gee-nuh), Suzy and the ever-so-sweet Bea. Chi (GRO) took the picture. Photo courtesy of Gina.

?

2006-01-19T15:48:00.000+08:00

Though I have nothing specific to write about, I feel like I just need to get my hands on the keyboard and type away, in hopes that words will flow. I can't describe the state I'm in lately. I simply don't know. Before, I was devastated, confused, torn to bits. Now, I'm feeling... I don't know what I'm feeling. I think I've experience all possible emotions in the past five months, it's impossible to feel more. Things change so rapidly. Two weeks ago, before Mons and I started fasting, I was lost and confused. I'm not saying I've got everything figured out now, I just don't feel as misplaced as before. Maybe you could say I'm in a state of limbo (how do you use this word properly anyway?). Just floating around in midair, not touching one place long enough to feel anything or to figure anything out. Been having nightmares again, but have been able to sleep through it. Last night was the worst. I was jolted awake to find my sister gone. Panicked at the thought that I might be alone in my room again until I realized that Kriket was still perched on the pullout bed, reading. Only then was I able to regulate my breathing. I really don't want to feel that again. Let sleep be my sanctuary. Hopefully, all this will fade soon until it's completely gone and I never feel anything like this again.

Hmm...

2005-12-23T18:34:00.000+08:00

It's been quite a year. A year full of turbulence. It's the day before Christmas Eve and the next time I'll be setting foot in this office, it'll be a New Year, and hopefully, a better one. Was just flipping through my 2005 notebook, reminiscing (with alot of cringing) and getting ready to put it away, whilst my new handy dandy notebook sits on one corner of my desk, awaiting my ~~abuse~~ use.

If you've clicked on my previous posts, you'd have seen that I struggled quite a bit this year. A death in the family, personal problems, difficulty adjusting to new responsibilites at work, a traumatic breakup. One after the other, right after one issue is resolved, another surfaces. Sometimes, two issues or more will arise to rock my world. The difficult breakup, the most recent (and hopefully the last) of all troubles really knocked alot of sense into me.

Was chatting with M., taking in the strangely comforting chilly air, when I shared with her how I think I stopped enjoying life. The simple things in life that make life worthwhile amidst all the troubles: tea with a friend, watching a movie by myself, mini road trips with a cousin, out of town vacations with friends. These things, I haven't done in awhile. I've always been a homebody, but these past four months, I'm actually learning to enjoy other people's company. It's amazing how your world gets bigger when you become single again.

To be continued...

January 2006

Christmas was surprisingly better than I expected. Met new cousins (okay, they're really not new. Just haven't met them before) and hung out with ones I've known all my life. The next day, I set out on a beach trip with Mama Jo and company. It's the first time I went on an out of trip with people I don't really know (Chi-Chi, Mama Jo and Pao were the only ones I really really knew) and it was quite refreshing. A new experience for me. I rode on a banana boat and went snorkelling for the first time. And, I learned to play poker!!! The one and only card game I know.. unless you count solitaire and monkey monkey. It was also the first time I went to bed not knowing who'd be sleeping beside me. I took a peek around dawn out of curiousity. For some reason, I find this interesting. Strange, I know, but that's how calculated I am. I don't do things without knowing exactly what's going to happen and the Batangas trip was full of surprises. I found out just how small the world is. Mons ended up staying a few resorts down (I figured she'd be staying on some other beach) and I bumped into an ex during lunch. Then, upon getting off the boat, I saw Cammille and company on the beach. Perfect timing as they were just checking out places to stay.

I've changed so much in the past five months that sometimes, I surprise myself. I feel like I live in two different worlds. There are times when I slip back into the dark one and everything instantly becomes a blur, in my attempt to soften the roughness of things. Then there's my new world, full of hope and possible happiness. I slip in and out of both just as easily as anything so I sometimes start to feel manic-depressive and sleep becomes a sanctuary.

I'm still hopeful that the New Year will bring new things and newfound hope and happiness. I'm slowly starting to heal (veeeery slowly, but at least I'm starting to na talaga).

So.... here's to 2006!

Ker-plunk

2005-12-14T19:16:00.000+08:00

I can feel myself starting to fall off the wagon. Like the horse suddenly stopped dead in mid prance in a threat to push me off. Only, I was able to grab on to the side of the wagon just in time - my feet dangling dangerously close to the floor. Damn Friendster. Damn dream. Damn small world. I'd love to live in the U.S. again so that once you've lost touch with someone, the chances of bumping into that person (or anyone he or she is remotely related to) are very, very slim.

Painting the town red..with anger?

2005-12-14T09:28:00.000+08:00

I was on my way out the door yesterday morning when the phone rang. I usually don't answer the landline since the calls are never for me anyway, but since I was right there, I just picked it up and turned out that this one was for me. My Tita Elsa (one of Mom's many best friends) was in town and wanted to meet up for dinner.

It was nice to be able to talk about Mom again. Tita had with her, her Japanese husband, Sam. He was stricken with lung cancer and is now in remission. They've been married since forever and yet, Cara said she'd sneak glances at him and catch him gazing adoringly at Tita Elsa. That is the kind of love I wish to experience one day. Correction. Experience again. I did feel that with ***, I truly and honestly did. But, I let life's lemons get to me and last night, my mind starting churning like crazy again.

Backtrack. Tita shoved a plastic bag full of pasalubongs for us and at first, we didn't really pay attention to it (c'mon. it's really not cool to start rummaging in the pasalubong bag like a starving dog while the giver is there right in front of you), but Tita herself pulled the bag to her and started taking out its contents. She has a knack for buying gifts. She gave Cara the most wonderful fine arts set (I call it this because I have no idea what it's officially called) ever. Then, she gave Poch an MP3 player (gee, that's what I get for always planning ahead and getting things done early. I'd already bought him one for Christmas, but hey..we're not complaining). And I got a Coach wallet. Perfect, as Ive been making tiaga with my old coin purse since I cleaned out my stuff and hurled the wallet I was using into the trash. So we ended up being pretty happy that night.

Until, it was time to go home and get a cab.

Now, let me take this time to say that I really really hate Makati. I'm sorry, Makati-lovers. I don't appreciate the place. Especially when it's raining and you're stuck in the rain, waiting for a cab. It's a nightmare for commuters like me. I have this thing with being stuck out in the middle of the night. I panic. When I see the sea of people waiting to nab a cab (hey, what's with the rhymes?), I just start to panic. And I get irritated and I curse and I grit my teeth and pull at my hair. And it didn't help that the last time I was stuck in Makati in this situation, I was with ***. So the night was a clear reminder of what I had, but don't have anymore. When we finally did get a cab that wasn't trying to extort huge sums of money from us, I sat in silence and started to really feel bad about myself. This temper problem has really got to go. I mean, people left and right have upped and left me because of it. Then, I started to feel sad. Because I remembered Just Like Heaven and how, when asked about his late wife, Mark Ruffalo's character fondly recalled all of his wife's negative traits. Meaning, the things that irritated him were the same things made him love her so much. He loved her imperfections. I wish *** could love me and my imperfections so much that things didn't have to turn out this way. But, I've already made peace with this issue - it's just too private to post here.

Then, I turned to Cara and asked her if there ever was a time that I mellowed out. By that time, I was imagining better ways I could've managed the situation. I could've gamely challenged my siblings to walk to EDSA or some other destination while waiting to get a cab. Or I imagined we could've taken it all in stride and made fun of ourselves while flagging down a cab. Or simply just enjoying the rarity of the moment - me and my siblings hanging out in Makati on a weekday. Just like that one September night. I could've just reveled in ***'* presence. We could've just enjoyed hanging out. Sat on the green patch of grass in front of Glorietta and waited until everyone else had gone home and we'd have no competition for cabs. I just wish I was more of a free spirit. Wish I could just enjoy life to its fullest. Anyway, I digress. Cara said, yes, for awhile. When *** and I first got together. But, eventually, I went back to how I was. I guess you really can't change other people unless they want to change for good. Even if the change was unintentionally. Old habits die hard. It wasn't ***'* goal to change me as it wasn't my goal to change her. But we did change for awhile, except that I guess we didn't want it badly enough for ourselves because we morphed back into how we were before we met each other. Okay. Enough. I didn't mean to reminisce.

I think that should be a New Year's resolution. Live life and enjoy life. Oh, that is so going to be difficult because it is so not me, but hey, no harm in trying right?

Other issues to come later. If I don't forget. Basta.

Bad ate

2005-12-09T20:24:00.000+08:00

Let this be my final wake up call. I've had many and I hope this will do it. I was midway through my day when I realized that I forgot to give my brother his daily allowance. Sometimes, when I put money in his wallet when he's fast asleep, I see that he has a couple of extra bucks to spare. Today, however, he didn't. Of all the days I forget to give him allowance, it had to be today. Being completely aware of the male species' bottomless pit, he must've starved with the P50 (minus transpo fare) in his pocket. I was too absorbed in my sorrow to remember my responsibilities towards him.

It's time to stop thinking about myself and of others for a change. To stop being so stubborn and hard-headed. Not the easiest thing to do because I've been this way for a long time. Been criticized and left behind for it too.

Yes, change is difficult. And for someone who doesn't take change very well, it's almost impossible. But, I did it once and I can do it again. Last night, while staring at the rain and the brightly lit yard of my home, feeling abandoned yet again, I realized that being abandoned never used to be an issue with me. Why? Because I depended on only myself for everything. Well, mostly. I kept things to myself, solved my problems on my own (when I say my, me and I, it automatically means me and God - for the benefit of people like R. reading this. That's already a given. I'm sure you know that.) I have to get myself back in that state again.

Because my movie companion had to rush off and be somewhere else (no offense taken don't worry, my dear friend), I was left to finish watching "In Her Shoes" by myself. I think it was the first movie I've watched alone. I've been meaning to watch by myself for the longest time but never got around to it. And what turned out to be a fairly slow-paced movie suddenly got my tears flowing.

Question of the day: Why do some people force themselves on people who aren't sure if they want that person?

Love can make people do things they never thought they'd be capable of doing... and with that said, I choose to keep the rest of my little insight to myself. It's too personal to be announced on the world wide web.

(Yeah, like the rest of my life isn't and it's already on here. :) )

Postscript:

Speaking of changes... I'm still quite surprised by the events of this past year. So many changes have happened and I've been buried in my depression to really let it sink in. So sometimes, when I'm just sitting around, unguarded, I'll go through my usual routines and realize that there's a missing step. And before I can brush the thought aside, I let myself feel how different things are. The room we stay in, the arrangements in the house, what I've lost, and the emotions that all go with it. I cannot cannot believe it still. Because I have no choice, I let those changes happen in my life. But I don't pay attention to it. I kind of just let it sneak in. Now, as I sit in front of my computer on a Friday night, I vaguely remember how life used to be for me. And how I know things will never, ever be the same and how it'll take awhile before I can enjoy the simple things in life again.

One more thing. I think I've been in denial about a lot of things that have happened in my life. My mom and grandmother dying, family and financial problems, etc. I usually realize that I'm in denial later on. When I'm all okay and healed. But, while dealing with this whole heart problem, I think the denial potion is wearing off a little too soon. Because I know I'm in denial even before I've started to heal. Kind of like anesthesia wearing off in the middle of surgery. I guess this is good. Because I'm able to face this much pain and hurt without having to be manhid about it. I'm not covering it up with something else. I'm just wallowing in it. And hopefully, this will help me become a better person. But man, the dreams are impossible to deal with. Amazingly painful. See, I dream of good things. So when I wake up, I feel like the dream is real life and real life is a nightmare. Know what I mean?

All I want for Christmas...

2005-12-02T17:38:00.001+08:00

1. Only God can give me this
2. ~~Bronze BCBG shoes~~
3. Hotwind Round toed pumps in purple or any cute pumps
4. ~~Gucci Envy Me~~
5. Full, flowing printed skirts (calf length)
6. A trendy, high-collared jacket or sweater
7. Sophisticated, long-sleeved tops
8. Pique shirts in different colors (Preview's version of a polo shirt)
9. ~~A mod, thick belt~~ thanks A. and C.!
10. ~~A new spacious bag~~ again, thanks A. It's beeyootiful!
11. Bronze, gold and silver ballet shoes in size 9.

If God gives me number 1, I don't need the rest. :) Labo, I know. Meaning I'll trade in everything for number 1.

The battle between the mind and the heart

2005-11-24T18:59:00.000+08:00

My heart is engaged in the hugest battle with my mind. It's acting like a rebellious child who craves to irritate his mother. I'm constantly pulling my thoughts from things that I shouldn't be thinking about. Trying in vain to immerse myself in my work just so that these unwanted thoughts stop popping into my head. It's really quite frustrating (and repetitive) because I'm overanalyzing everything already. These are the same thoughts that have been plaguing my mind from day one. And it's not like I'm discovering anything new. All I'm getting from overanalzying things is this tug-o-war between my mind and heart. My heart seems to like the beating it's getting. My mind doesn't. So every day, my heart reminds me of all the good times... the happiness... while my mind reminds me of why I'm better off alone. But my heart is too stubborn. So I have to consciously tell my heart every minute or so that it needs to give in to my mind's wishes. But it never works. It's quite tiring, really.

This is why I would really love to get my hands on that posioned apple Sleeping Beauty bit into, or the needle Princess Aurora pricked her finger with. So that I can rest in slumber for all the rest of my days. Now, I'm not saying I'm suicidal. It's not like that. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. Simple as that. And not like it's possible. So that my mind and heart don't have to struggle so much with each other. Sure, I still dream when I sleep but it's not so bad as the agony of being conscious and aware of the situation I'm in.

My heart won't let my mind accept alot of the things I should be accepting. It's still in denial of the obvious. Maybe because I expected too much out of The Past. Maybe because I don't want to hurt anybody. But deep down, I know the truth and sometimes, it even threatens to wade through the thickness of my emotions to slap me in the face.

You know what, sometimes I just wish it would. Because then I know that it wouldn't hurt so much.

FHM Girls Next Door Party

2005-11-15T19:18:00.000+08:00

Kwento kwento lang

2005-11-10T08:49:00.000+08:00

Let's talk about something happy (or atleast different from the usual rant) for a change. It's Ro's birthday today so it really is cause for a celebration.

Mama Jo and Cris came over yesterday and we all got another tat together. I missed Mama Jo alot and it was good spending time with Cris..just getting to know her. I loved that I could hang out with them and not have to have *** in common. I told them that it is my goal to be able to hang out with them one day without ***'* name being brought up.

I love my new tat! Thank you Joji! For sketching it for me. And J-Ann, for providing the peg. :)

Took the Seventeen Favorite Model Search finalists on a guesting today. I miss being that young. Just getting into the groove of things, transition from laid back high school into the seriousness of college. Being perplexed about the opposite sex and still hoping that one day, they'll eventually be able to understand boys. Wait until they reach the stage when they just give up realize that there is no understanding boys.

Saw someone last night. I think it's starting to become awfully obvious that I'm into YOU (for those who are updated with my life, this is a different YOU from the YOU I was talking about in previous entries). I barely spoke a peep and I couldn't even look at YOU to save my life. Uh-oh. Clear indication that this is starting to become more than a little crush. I thought Baller Boy was lamang (well, okay, he still is) until M. told me something about YOU. A conversation she overheard about YOU. And it's so perfect. My kinda guy. Hmmm...turning over a new leaf 'ey? But, there's still ****, but that's just a "cras". Oh...oooookaaaay...this is sounding too much like a giggly high school girl's diary.

I was just thinking about how comfortable I've become talking to some of the editors here at Summit and I'm rather pleased with myself. I'm such an anti-social girl that I can barely barely even force myself to engage in small talk with people. And here I am. PR Associate for Summit Media. I'm still not good at small talk, but I've gone a loooong way since my loner days.

Trust issues. I've reached that stage when my list of people I can't trust is getting longer. They're mostly so-called friends. All of sudden, I'm doubting people's motives, actions, intentions. I haven't felt this in the longest time. I actually feel like I'm back in second year college - one of the most turbulent periods of my life.

I dreamt of Brandon the other night. I dreamt he had forgiven me and wanted to start corresponding again. It was such a relief to have felt that forgiveness. Unfortunately it was just a dream. I was so disappointed when I woke up. Someday, I hope he'll be able to really forgive me. As I hope I'll be able to forgive ***.

FHM Party tonight. That means more photos to upload. :)

Shout out to Ro! Happy happy birthday to you best friend! Mwah! Hugs!

Happy thoughts

2005-10-24T00:52:00.000+08:00

Amazing weekend. To others, it may have been just a regular weekend but seeing as I haven't had a peaceful one in a looong time, this tops it all. Finally got my groove back. In terms of basketball, I mean. Slowly, but surely, it's all coming back. Too bad there's only one game left. Hung out with my former teammates. I actually ate this weekend. My tummy's no longer caved in. Yipee! Settled some more issues. I think being happy is starting to become possible. Yay! :)

Ramblings of a lost girl

2005-10-10T20:45:00.000+08:00

Looks like this blog is once again aptly named. Manic City alive once again. I know I'm running out of time. More and more friends are getting sick and tired of my ranting and pretty soon, I know I'm going to be left to fend for myself. It's surprising how I crave for human company these days. I need someone to text me and talk to me on a regular basis where once, I couldn't even find the time to text you. Hmmm...something definitely weird going on there. I know God has a purpose and a reason for all of this. But I'm not sure how much longer I can deal. I'm a mess. A complete mess. My own thoughts are driving me crazy. One day, I condition myself to be happy again, with declarations of a wonderful future ahead. Thank goodness for R. My constant relationship counselor. I know she must be sick of hearing all this, but she plows on, making sure my quickly deteriorating sanity stays intact. I've never noticed before how many people care for me and I'm grateful that they've all made their presence felt now. You guys know who you are (Sounds like some homegirl -- "Ey ya'll wassup, shout outs to all my homies out there, ya'll know who ya'll are..."). Thank you. I'm far from being okay, but I'd be far much worse without you guys. You must be wondering, "Gee, could she be in an even more worse state than the one she's in now?".

I'm tired of thinking, tired of feeling, tired of becoming best friends with inanimate objects (the bench in front of my house, the monoblock chair in the garage, the hump in my driveway, yosi, the benches in the Galleria yosi area, my cellphone - which isn't even mine, by the way. I'm tired of seesaw-ing from okay to not okay to I don't give a damn and then back to I'm friggin' wasted and running the whole vicious cycle.

I grasp at every little thing that might make me happy but happiness is always fleeting. Like today, for example, I'm having an okay day. Excited at the thought that there are several things to come. But, that sadness keeps tugging at me. I'm tired of looking like a maniac, laughing happily one moment then sulking the next. But, I have to keep moving. I have to let whatever I feel out. I know deep down inside, there's an empty space waiting to be filled. I can't wait until that space becomes a pocket, until eventually, it won't be there at all. In time, I know. All in due time. One freakin' day at a time.

Down in the dumps

2005-10-04T18:05:00.000+08:00

I have alot of unsettled issues. One of my biggest problems is being too attached. And not being able to forgive myself. I've done alot of things that I've regretted, handled alot of situations the wrong way, to name a few. I wonder how I'm going to be able to deal with these issues. Was going through my earlier entries and relived some of the horrible things I went through earlier this year. Everything is such a blur already.

There is one thing I keep doing wrong. I keep doing things I eventually regret and it seems like I never learn from my mistakes. And I'm killing myself scolding myself for my shortcomings. There's one that's not too late to correct and I hope I do it in time, but with the state I'm in, I hope I'll be able to intercept it before it gets any worse -- I need to be a better sister to my sibling. I need to be there for them. One of the problems I'm having trouble dealing with is my brother. I know how lonely he is and how difficult life is for him and yet, I can't seem to be there to help him because I'm so darn buried in my own problems. I wasn't cut out to be a mother, but God served me the responsibilities of one. Don't get me wrong. I love my sibling and I'd do anything for them but I feel that they're being shortchanged because they're getting a half-baked person for a guardian.

I still have to learn alot of things and I don't know how to guide them when I, myself, am not whole yet. I love my sister and my brother to death. I wish I could be there for them like a real mother would.

Dreamt of my mom yesterday. I think she is seriously worried about me and is making paramdam. I wish she were here right now to make everything right. Aren't mothers amazing? They have the ability to make everything okay. Especially my mom, the superwoman.

The most important thing for me to learn now is acceptance. To accept the things that are being thrown my way. That's the only way to stay sane, I swear it is, but it's also a difficult process to perfect.

There's so much sadness in my heart, these days. I just want to feel truly and completely happy. Six years ago, when I was last put through hell, I told myself that the happiness I'm about to experience will make up for all the pain. That the happiness will make up for everything bad that happened. And I did. Three happy years it was for me (well, okay, not three WHOLE happy years, but happy, they were). So why does it have to be so depressing now?

I know, I know, because life is a cycle. But, pwede sana hindi sunod-sunod? Hindi pa nga ako nakaka-recover dun sa isa, eto, meron nanaman!

2005-10-03T19:09:00.000+08:00

Ever After by Bonnie BaileyHed Kandi: Beach House 0404
Three years ago my journey began
Chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
Just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
Just knowing with conviction from the start
The moment your eyes made an introduction
I felt my second violent breath of life
Flawless to the point of being godly
Yet I fell hard for your imperfections

And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you

Nothing compares to the good times
Feels like we’re floating when the rest have to climb
You made me believe in love and not the perfect kind
A real messy beautiful twisted sunshine
Emotions volcanic eruptions
We both still care so we’re still alive
Tunnel vision, determination
I want you I want to make it right

And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you

You are my twisted sunshine
You are my twisted sunshine

And now we’re slightly weathered, we’re slightly worn
Our hands grip together eye to eye through the storm yet
I still believe in ever after with you, yeah
Coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
And there ain’t no current in this river we can’t ride
I still believe in ever after with you

KrisMis!

So much hate on V-day

My Pwet Pillow

Heavenly Bliss at Nuat Thai Tomas Morato

When friendships need to die

Book Sneeze Review: "Love You More" by Jennifer Grant

How I Tortured the People I Love

Addicted to the drug that killed Michael Jackson

What about friends?

Wanna see a bangag dog?

US Visa: Denied!

This Christmas was love, love, love!

Merry CRIBSmas!

A Batangas I haven't seen before

A Love Letter to my favorite Gremlin

A Love Letter

Totally Kalat, but that's okay. It's hump day

Today I ate for me and half of another person. That's how good Pino food is

Port 88 Shopping Craze!

Lust List

Three parties in one day - my most celebrated birthday ever

Bad Breath Birthday

Happy Arf-day To Me!

A Saltik Birthday

Goodbye sumpa sa birthday

Anong masama sa malas?

I'm lovin'....

Why, God? Why?!

How I'm going to start my family

New Aluminum Roof for Josie and Dina!

I love our household help, do you love yours?

My Happy Pill: Circa 1996

Who Would've Thought? Sprung on J.Biebs! Thought I'd die first before this happened.

Hate Late! Love Food!

Today, I love Krispy Kreme

Goodbye Drama Queen

Blues blues are Sunday’s hues

Palimos po kasi tamad ako

Crazed

Bye, bye birdies!

I'm moving!

My highs.

Sinning

What action does to a 3-month old bum

Christmas is just around the bend!

Home Sweet Home

What did we do to Meralco to deserve this?

Gigantic Fantastic

Three-week old bum

Here's a mouthful

Living by the seaside

Bum=Me

Au revoir Summit

My twin sister

Decisions are not my strengths

Floating towards nowhere

The Shoe-paholic strikes again!

This is my calling...

2 years earlier

As Captain Barbosa would say..

Mindanao Mingling

Realization

Sniff

Sniff

*Sigh*

The shoe-paholic in me strikes again.

What's up doc?

More batangas photos

Calado-Quito Nuptials

Green night (okay, i'm really bad at titles, i know i know)

?

Hmm...

Ker-plunk

Painting the town red..with anger?

Bad ate

All I want for Christmas...

The battle between the mind and the heart

FHM Girls Next Door Party

Kwento kwento lang

Happy thoughts

Sigh